So this is Christmas

Around this time every year, my mother sits at her computer for a day and types up her annual Family Newsletter. This usually opens with a witty anecdote about how domestically inept she is, describes something stupid my dad has done, bitches about the fact that my brother still lives at home, and then reveals everything embarrassing I’ve done during the year. Mum then prints out 400 copies and mails it to all her friends, family, neighbours, co-workers, bible study group, TAFE classmates, hairdressers, therapists and accountants. It’s up to me to avoid all those people for the following 12 months.

Past newsletters have included the following:

• Annik has stopped going to church in order to pursue a life of sin (2001)
• Annik lost her virginity (2002)
• Annik went drinking instead of studying for any of her HSC exams (2004)
• Annik got alcohol poisoning (2004)
• Annik has been dumped by the same boy three times (2005)
• Annik has begun experimenting with drugs (2006)
• Annik failed her uni degree (2006)
• Annik has gained a stack of weight (2006)

…and so on.

I wonder what little gems Ma will choose to include this year? She has quite a selection to choose from:

• Annik has quit no less than five jobs throughout 2008
• Annik got her nose pierced and refused to remove the ring despite various infections
• Annik lied to an entire South African community in order to exempt herself from completing a volunteer work assignment and gain compassionate priority for an international flight
• Annik had a seizure and wet her pants in front of a thousand odd people at the Hordern Pavillion
• Annik can’t remember her own birthday because she was so intoxicated she spent 3+ hours straight sitting on the same couch in front of a fan