Fucked-up things I did as a child:

April 3rd, 2009

  • put my cat underneath an upside-down washing basket and placed phone books on top.
  • climbed over the backyard fence and squirted tomato sauce on the neighbour’s washing.
  • head-butted another kid on my first day of Play Group and told him to “shut the hell up” when he started crying.
  • stole money from my dad’s bottom drawer nearly every day to buy Zooper Doopers and carob buds from the canteen.
  • put fairy wings on my younger cousin and told her she was a fly, then sprayed her with Mortein.
  • wrote my mum hate-mail.
  • lured a friend who was terrified of dogs into the back paddock and then let the dogs out of their enclosure and listened to her scream.
  • lured same friend into the shed and told her I was going to bludgeon her to death with a hammer, then admitted I was just kidding after she started crying.
  • picked pieces of cat poo out of the kitty litter tray and put them in the neighbour’s letter box.
  • asked my mum what a condom was in front of her bible study group, then asked “DOES THAT MEAN YOU CAN HAVE SEX AND YOU WON’T GET PREGNANT?”
  • cheated on the 1997 Maths Olympiad and accepted a trophy at an all-student assembly and had my picture in the paper for it.
  • stuck a highlighter up my brother’s cat’s bum to “check his temperature.”
  • cut pictures of diseased penises out of my dad’s medical journals and pasted them in my kindergarten homework book while learning about the letter P.
recollections - 10 Comments »

10 Responses to “Fucked-up things I did as a child:”

first

Comment by Julian Cole on April 3rd, 2009

What a delightful child you were!

Comment by Julian Cole on April 3rd, 2009

I once told my cousin that a murderer would hunt her down if she ate an unripe macadamia nut from our tree. She had just eaten one, she cried.

Comment by Penny on April 3rd, 2009

@Julian – you know it.

@Penny – kids are stoopid. Messing with them is one of life’s simple pleasures.

Comment by Annik on April 3rd, 2009

That’s it? Lucky you never worked out how to use use the power drill and blowtorch.
That’s where my childhood really started getting fucked up. ;)

Comment by Nic Hodges on April 4th, 2009

Amazing. Glorious. I saw people trap a cat underneath a washing basket like that once, only instead of phone books they blew pot smoke in its face until it got all peaked then watched it walk into walls. If kids can be cruel, then teenagers can be Glen Close.

Comment by Helen on April 4th, 2009

Wow, I thought I was a bit of a bad kid. The worst I have ever done is go with my fat cousin to the part, broke about a million bricks from a deserted construction site, then when we got chased I let him get caught because he was so slow and just went home and waited. He spent 4 hours cleaning up. Oops.

Comment by Mitch on April 6th, 2009

@Nic – yes, it’s fortunate I didn’t lean towards pyromania the way my brother did… He still doesn’t have eyebrows.

@Helen – last time I was in Brisbane, a guy told me that he had a budgie named “Yellow Mellow” in his bedroom, but he smoked so much weed in there one night that the budgie was dead in the morning.

@Mitch – your story pains me, as I was similarly fat and a slow runner as a child. I guess it’s part of learning though…you should only do naughty things if you are skinny enough to run away.

Comment by Annik on April 6th, 2009

Haha – that was Josh huh: @Helen – last time I was in Brisbane, a guy told me that he had a budgie named “Yellow Mellow” in his bedroom, but he smoked so much weed in there one night that the budgie was dead in the morning.

Gold. Classic dude. He’ll be at Blues btw.

PS – you’re a total bad arse lol.

xxx

Comment by Niki on April 6th, 2009

@Niki – I loved Josh. “Can I borrow your car PLEASE?”

Comment by Annik on April 8th, 2009

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