I love my teeth. I need my teeth.
Every 6 months, I go to the dentist. My dentist’s name is Fred. He has an enormous belly and wears a white coat, so he resembles a giant pillow. I rest my head against his soft stomach while he peers into my mouth, pokes around, and says “You have a sensationally healthy mouth.” This takes roughly 45 seconds and $75 and then I am free to go. Every 6 months, the exchange is identical. Well, it was until this week.
On Monday, I went to see Fred for my regular check up. As I nestled my head against his tummy, he peered into my mouth for longer than usual. Then he scraped the side of one of my teeth. A mild, yet definite ache spread throughout my jaw. Fred scraped another tooth and it hurt too. He stood up and loomed over me.
“What the fuck is going on here?” he asked.
“Nothing, I swear, it was one time!”I cried uncertainly.
“Your gums are receding, girl.” Fred said.
Anytime somebody calls me “girl”, I know I am either in trouble or they are hitting on me. This was the former.
“That’s impossible,” I replied, “I’m only twenty-three. I have perfect teeth. I take real good care of them too. Look at them, they’re beautiful.”
“Look again,” Fred answered, and peeled my bottom lip away from my jaw. Sure enough, the gums on either side of my mouth were slowly wearing away, exposing the roots of my teeth, which were beginning to turn a distinct shade of dark yellow.
“What the hell is that?” I asked and Fred replied, “Decay.”
Decay? Decay was what happened to corpses buried inside coffins in the ground. It involved maggots and bad smells and smug relatives. And now it was happening inside my mouth.
“What do I do?” I asked Fred. I didn’t want to ask too many questions, because for some reason I believed that the less I knew, the less serious the entire situation.
“Put this cream on your gums at night,” he said, handing me a small tube labeled $25, “And go see a goddamn specialist.”
After I paid and left the surgery, I sat in my car and cried for twenty minutes. I hadn’t realised how much of my self esteem was tied to my teeth up until then. At that moment, my entire personality seemed to hinge on the quality of my pearly whites. If I lost a single molar, I would lose my sense of humour, or compassion, or balance.
I calmed down eventually, drove home and made banana muffins. I rubbed the cream on my gums every fifteen minutes. I googled “causes of gum recession” and was confused that none of the typical reasons applied to me. As soon as my brother got home from work, I made him look inside my mouth and inspect the decay on my exposed teeth.
“That’s gross,” he observed, “And weird. Your teeth look fine everywhere else.”
“I know!” I agreed, “They’re perfectly nice looking on the outside, but underneath they are rotten and ugly and slowly dying.”
“Kind of like the rest of you,” he replied.
11 Responses to “I love my teeth. I need my teeth.”
Ha! Welcome to my world. Although, I’ve actually got the reverse problem. My gums have actually been known to grow over and break down my shitty chalk teeth.
Hell, my teeth are so crap I literally lost one of my molars to a peanut butter crumpet in year 9. I WAS 15! That tooth only had 10 years on it, and was cracked in half (through the crown!) by an overly roasted lump of peanut.
And there’s the moral to this story – eating nuts results in busted teeth. No, wait… Ummm, brush regularly?
In high school my dentist discovered I was missing my adult right canine.. I simply did not have one to push down onto the child tooth. It looked fine, but they recommended I have orthodontic work now because it would be harder later, at an older age, if it were to fall out.
After having the right canine removed, all my right side teeth pushed along one place by two years of braces, and a serious amount of carving to make them look like the teeth they replaced..
I have misaligned teeth. They were fine before.
Fuck you dentist.
I think you just wanted your 10% from the orthodontist for giving him some business..
@Fletch – between you and me, we would have normal gums. Oh and if it makes you feel any better, in Possible Side Effects, Augusten Burroughs breaks a tooth on a tater tot.
@Zac – Sue! You could be rich and buy a whole new body!
@Neek – Heh… Actually that does make me feel a little better. Thanks!
I have a confession to make: I have not been to the dentist in 4 years. Maybe 5. It’s gotten to the point where I am afraid to go to the dentist because I know that I am going to have to get a mouth transplant.
Jayphen!! Just go. NOW. The longer you wait, the more thousands of dollars it will cost you.
I’m sure Fred squared you on the details anyway, but my dentist Dad reckons it couldn’t possibly be too advanced at your age, so you should be fine as long as you focus on preventing it from getting worse! Do you use a soft toothbrush? How’s your technique? Do you drink Coke daily? Because Coke is the absolute worst thing of all time ever, apparently. How many of your weekly meals are spicy or acidic food? India digs gum recession. Just passing it on man, in case it helps – but if it doesn’t, just remember you’ll be beautiful until the day you die regardless. Feel better xo
@Helen – this relieves me. Is coke zero as bad as normal coke? I loathe Indian. And I use a normal toothbrush, but tenderly. Maybe I will get a kiddie one… Is your dad really a dentist? Get on Twitter already so we can have witty banter.
When I was about 8, me mum and my brother and sister were walking to Dairy Bell after school. I was walking on the curb, slipped, smashed my face on the ground and snapped off my two front teeth. They were jagged so I was bleeding and my face was all scartched up. I started screaming and mum told me we’d quickly get the others an icecream then go home to the dentist.
Dairy Bell in Cheltenham has a massive mirror all along the wall so I was forced to stare at my bloody, toothless face while they ate icecream. I was sobbing as they slowly ate their icecreams.. It was torture.
I now have fake teeth that always chip off and I dream of getting porcelain veneers…
I also had to wear braces for years and years and after they came off the teeth started moving back so I still have to wear retainers to bed every night. I’m 22. I was meant to stop wearing them at 17. It’s bullshit.
@Meg – that’s so horrible!! If you fuck up your teeth, you need medical attention asap. I can’t believe your mum prioritised your brother & sister’s need for ice cream above your obvious injuries??
[...] at those wizzies!” Fred said, fingering my gums. “We need to take those babies out [...]
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