Don't forget, you're ugly
I was reading my friend Helen’s Live Journal when I came across the following paragraphs:
We grabbed a beer and headed for the front bar. I accidentally caught the eye of someone sitting next to the door… As I walked past he ducked his head and gave this long, breathy snort, before bursting into laughter and going, ‘FAT chance.’
What I never understand about these situations is that your attacker doesn’t ever tell you anything you don’t already KNOW. Unattractive people are more than aware of their unattractiveness, always. We carry it with us daily, and the weight of it makes us grunt. Every time we look in the mirror – hello, horror. Every time we get caught unawares on camera – god forbid, put that red-herring-cross-Appaloosa face away. So yeah, we know about it. Why the need to verbally reinforce? Who is born with such cruelty in their genes?
I’ve never actually met Helen, but I can tell from my Facebook stalking that she is one of those beautifully quirky, colourful, witty, clever people you rarely come across. To imagine somebody pissing on her birthday cake over something so stupid as how she looks really hacks me off. And it breaks my heart a little too, because I know that no matter how brazen and confident you are, a dumb passing comment from some random douchebag can reduce the toughest of us to a self-loathing mess.
For me, it’s less about my face and more about the size of my arse. As an adult, I’ve weighed 70kg and I’ve weighed 45kg at different points in time (I’m 5’6″.) I wasn’t particularly well in either of those situations, but I’ve never gotten more (positive) attention in my life than when I resembled a broomstick. Hell, even at 60kg, I was rarely given a second glance. I was referred to as “the fat one.” Guys would approach my friends in bars and say, “Hey, gorgeous,” then turn to me and say, “Hey not-so-gorgeous.” And when I had the guts to wear a singlet that said “UGLY” one night, a girl pointed me out to her friends and shouted “Yeah, she is ugly!” All of these incidents were unprovoked, unless you count the shape of my body or the arrangement of my facial features as an invitation for rebuke. Apparently, I was so hideous on those occasions that complete strangers felt the need to comment. And not in private either – they commented right to my ugly face.
Despite all this, I think I’ve managed to come out the other side with a pretty healthy self esteem. I’m no supermodel, but I’m not bad looking either. As long as I stay below a size 10 (the upper limit of the “acceptable weight range” of most guys I date) I think I look reasonable. If I tell this to people though, there is guffawing and rolling of eyes. Girls are not supposed to think they’re pretty. We are supposed to be insecure to the point of obsession. Pout in front of the mirror and squeeze at the fat on our arms and bellies. Shove our fingers down our throats and lose sleep over the wrinkles around our eyes. When somebody compliments you on your appearance, deny it! Don’t say thank you or actually agree with them. Good god, the scandal.
Sometimes little pokes and prods have the desired effect. An overweight person might use their unflattering nicknames to fuel their fire at the gym. Another person wearing tights as pants might need to catch a few disapproving glances before they figure out what they’re doing wrong. But simply telling somebody they’re ugly isn’t exactly constructive. What reaction do these people expect? “Oh really? Shit, thanks for letting me know. I’ll get a new face asap.”
So are people randomly insulting girls in order to make sure we don’t get too sure of ourselves? Modesty is becoming in a woman, so make sure she damn well knows she’s not hot enough? Or is it the old “I make fun of the other kids to make myself feel better” syndrome? Cutting down everyone around you to make yourself taller?
Is consumerism to blame? Entire industries are built on our insecurities: weight loss products, cosmetics, plastic surgery, fake tanning, etc. Every day, the TV and magazines tell us that we’re ugly and overweight, so what’s wrong with telling each other the same thing? Have we been desensitised to our own cruelties?
Personally, I blame fairy tales. The good guys were always hot, and the bad guys were butt ugly. Snow White was a babe, while Rumpelstiltskin was a hideous dwarf. From the day we’re born, there’s a very strong reinforcement that people who look nice are usually nice, and people who look dodgy are usually dodgy. In some cases, this is true, but not always.
Maybe when we tell our kids not to discriminate against people who are black or homosexual or female, we should also tell them not to discriminate against those who have been dealt a dose of acne or a bad nose.
And maybe next time you see someone who you think could use some improvement, you should shut the fuck up.
17 Responses to “Don't forget, you're ugly”
Ku-f*cking-dos! Right on. Well said. I don’t think I’ve read anything that I liked better than this piece right here.
And you’re right – Helen’s a babe, I’ve seen her so I know.
People are just jerks.
And you know what – you’re a babe too. With a svelte figure, beautiful hair and awesome big eyes.
So the world can go get fucked, because I’d do both of you.
Spot on !!!!!
Growing up in the eastern suburbs of Sydney, the ‘ideal’ that blokes thought was attractive to women was the ‘bronzed aussie’ look.
Being tall, dark haired, slim and of mixed ethnicity, I am the opposite of that ideal. As a teenager… my childhood was filled with passing insults about my external appearance. Usually focussing on my race or weight.
These days, I just say to them “Oh, your a ***ist?… how’s that working out for you?”
I come off in person as being very sure of myself, so people have told me that they felt the need to take me down a few pegs.
Little do they know that while I’m laughing off whatever they say, I actually go home and stare at myself in the mirror wondering how right they are.
@Niki – aw shucks.. thanks bud
@Noj – in a country that’s getting too fat, it’s ironic that you were criticised for being too slim. Good comeback to those arseholes.
@Felicia – ah I see. Good way to save face, I guess. I think a lot of people probably do the same thing..
This might be missing the point of the post a little, but I’ve gotta say, if that’s you on the ‘About’ page, you’ve got nothing to worry about. You are VERY attractive.
Well so much for remaining anon! Silly little gravatars giving things away.
I’m almost too bashful to comment.
…nah, come on. No one’s that bashful. Great piece though, Annik. If I send you a stamped self-addressed envelope and a photo of myself doing the upside down peace sign in the bathroom wearing my favourite purple blouse, autograph?
This was a great read and so very true; too many people jump to the quickest conclusion and for many that’s an attack. Felicia, I can definitely relate to what you’re saying, though I came to embrace and almost entice it by wearing loud or obnoxious clothing intentionally.
And for the record everyone, I could hardly talk to Neek the first few times I met her seven years ago. She was hot back then too.
Beauty is skin deep, ugly is on the inside
“As long as I stay below a size 10 (the upper limit of the “acceptable weight range” of most guys I date)”
I’m not really the biggest fan of the guys you date. Who the hell has that sort of rule?
i love you
My OH once told me that a real man won’t judge a girl because of her size … So I have to agree with Nick up there in not being a big fan of some of the arseholes that you’ve dated, Neek!
Look @ this year’s Biggest Loser – Sam’s OH was quite an attractive guy – and he saw her for who she was, not her clothing size. It was just sad that she couldn’t love herself until she got to a certain size ..
I’m not sure where I’m going with this – I did have a point, but I lost it somewhere along the way.
GREAT post xo
With a world built on consumerism, its never gonna say you’ve got everything you need. You’ve gotta fight to convince yourself of that.
As for Neek – Hots. She’s got them
@Josh – haha I’ve been caught by gravatar before, but I was trying to comment anonymously on a post that I had also written anonymously, so it was much worse. Yeah that’s me on the About page. Thanks for the compliment.
@Helen – only if you wear a blonde wig and your eyes say “Sex me up.”
@Tom – if you’re trying to invite douchebaggery, I recommend wearing a shirt that says “ugly” or similar. Has it really been seven years? Jebus.
@Zac – very true, although I think you can have both too.
@Nick – I think most people have at least a vague limit on the size of others, in regards to what they find sexually attractive… but I do find it bemusing when people actually quantify it like that (and specify sizes.) It’s like on dating websites, how you can specify the exact height of your preferred partner. Are these people serious? Would they reject their soulmate over half an inch? (haha) apparently so!
@Cat – you know who inspired some of this? Wurtzel in More, Now, Again. I love the part where she talks about body image and she says “I am the only woman I know who thinks she’s gorgeous. I love my body. So what?” Cause I read that and thought ‘omg how wanky…but AWESOME.’
@Kahlee – your point is there.
I think that men are, by nature, so sexually driven that a lot of them do judge.. And I guess how you define a “real man” is another matter entirely (and another post) but I do agree with you.
@Andy – a lot of self-help books will tell say you have everything you need! (Except, of course, the book.) You shush! xxx
ahahahah “real man” !! *cough*
Do it!
Great post Annik. Nuff said.
You know there are quite a few fairy tales where thoughtless lads and lasses get their comeuppunce for not being nice to an old hag, cranky old man, beast, cat etc. Then a true and good person comes along and treats them nicely and hey presto the beast/hag/cat turns into a gorgeous person!! I’m not sure if this is totally a good thing or not, but there are at least SOME fairy tales that do recommend good manners to all, regardless of appearance…
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