People who catch Hillsbus are cunts
All aboard!
Not only was I unfortunate enough to be born with scoliosis and eyes which look in different directions when I am over-relaxed, but I also belong to a set of parents who insist on living in the Hills.
For those unfamiliar with Sydney, the Hills is an entirely stagnant and insular area north-west of the city where people are born, educated, employed and married all on the same block. People who live in the Hills go to school, church, soccer practice, work, the pub, and the movies all with the same group of friends they have had since pre-school, and they will continue to do so until they all rot beside their colostomy bags at the Anglican Retirement Village on Old Northern Road. If you suggest a visit to a city club or a day trip up the coast, Hills residents will smile and shake their head at you as if you are retarded. “Why would we trek all the way over there when we have everything we need right here?!” In this way, the Hills is exactly like America, but thinner.
The only way to get out of the Hills is to go to uni so you can secure a high-paying job and afford to move somewhere less conservative and tainted by Christians. But if you failed uni, like me, then you have to catch Hillsbus everywhere.
Hillsbus is the only way to get from the Hills to the city without paying $40 in tolls or trawling through three different forms of public transport. It is a privately owned company, which means they have a total monopoly on the norwest city-workers’ commute and can bump up their prices at will. The result is 60,000 passengers who fork over $50 each week for the privilege of spending 2 hours every day standing on a crowded, stuffy, perpetually late piece-of-shit vomit yellow bus. It is inevitable, like the tides – anyone who catches Hillsbus is a cunt.
“Umm Neek,” I can hear you say, “You catch Hillsbus. Does that make you a cunt too?”
Well yes, it does, to be honest. I live my life in a cranky state of constant exhaustion because my commute is so fucking long and tedious, I have considered simply sleeping on a yoga mat under my desk at work and giving myself sponge baths using the office water cooler. I also catch approximately six colds every winter because Hillsbus is so crowded that you will perform fellatio, on average, every three weeks simply by sitting in the aisle seat. I hate everyone on Hillsbus and all the filthy diseases they carry and sneeze on me. I never give up my seat for pregnant people or old women because the ride is so long and expensive that on the rare occasions you can get a seat, you hold onto that fucker like it’s going out of fashion. If someone wants to carry another human inside them for 9 months or commute long distances once they’re past the age of sixty then that’s their business, not mine. You should have thought about how you were going to work that into your life without counting on the generosity and kindness of strangers because really, the average person is fairly shit.
The Evidence
Last week, I was waiting at the Hillsbus bus stop after a few post-work beverages, when I became aware of some crazy bitch screaming up the road. Naturally, I turned to look, but my alcohol-riddled brain was too slow to look away before I had accidentally made eye contact with this raging meth head. I turned away anyway, hoping she would let it go, but ten seconds later I was grabbed around the head and dragged 3 metres by my hair. At this point, my brain cut out and I could not feel any pain or really register what was going on. I assume this is the same protective mental mechanism that shields me during sermons, conferences, and twenty minutes into any family dinner. Also, I was too smashed to know quite what was happening. However, I was aware of being slammed up against a wall and thrown to the ground, while being screamed at and called a cunt, a bitch, a whore, whatever else. I wasn’t sure what to do, so I assumed the fetal position and tried to cover my head. My friend Julia was on the scene fast, and yelled obscene threats until the ice junkie retreated, then she helped me to my feet.
“Are you okay?” Julia said.
“I don’t know.”
“Do you want to sit down?”
“No.”
“Do you want some water?”
“No.”
“Do you want a cigarette?”
“Give me three.”
As we stood back in the bus line, because there seemed little else to do, I became aware that every other person waiting in the queue – all thirty or so of them – had simply watched me get bashed by an ice addict and decided that being a witness was the best civic duty they could provide in this particular situation. One lady (who was not a cunt) phoned the police to let them know what had happened, but everybody else just stood there guarding their place in line and staring at me. I knew they wanted tears. They wanted hysterics. They wanted blood. Instead, I held my cigarette at a jaunty angle and immediately pulled out my iPhone to tweet about the experience. I tossed my hair and LOLed. “Can you believe that just happened?” I asked Julia, who had not blinked or exhaled since the junkie first approached us. As soon as I know somebody wants something from me, I do everything within my power to prevent them from getting it, simply because I can, and I am selfish at heart. So these Hillsbus cunts could have their bus seat, but they wouldn’t get a show out of me.
When I got home, I took three valium and had a bath. Then I stood in front of the television and told my mother I had been attacked by a meth addict at the bus stop.
“That’s awful!” she said, putting down her crossword puzzle book. “Was anyone there?”
“Yeah, but nobody did anything. They didn’t even ask if I was okay. Those arseholes just stood in line watching. Like it was fucking street theatre.”
“Well I probably would have done the same,” Mum said, picking up her book again. “You don’t want to mess with an ice junkie. Besides, you’d never risk losing your place in the Hillsbus line. Those bastards will sidle up like you were never even there.”
The above image was brought to you by the genius man that is @bobearth and my power to persuade people to photoshop genitals into ordinary pictures.
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44 Responses to “People who catch Hillsbus are cunts”
Brilliant.
You’ve outdone yourself!
@Kahlee – it came from the heart.
They have Ice Junkies in the Hills? You might as well move to Redfern and save yourself the bus trip.
Awesome piece! And I will definitely never move to the hills of given half a Chance – that whole thing where everyone stood and watched is a scientifically documented phenomena – called the observer effect I think – basically because there were many people everyone assumes that someone else will do something – and nobody does anything. Sucks if
you are the person getting beat on
You should write a book. I’d buy it.
That’s a brilliant piece of writing, and conjures a good mental picture of the events. I love the illustration. Genius.
I didn’t read what you wrote, as soon as i read hillsbus, i felt an inner rage that only 5 years of daily commuting on the hillsbus can do to you. There were days i could stab everybody on that bus with a pencil in the ovaries…
Oh wow.. yea good piece
what a hole
@DDsD – noooo the bus stop was in the city. There are junkies in the hills, but I think their preferred substance is heroin rather than meth.
@Ben – oh the Hills aren’t really THAT bad. They’re just bad if you’re 23 and want to meet new people and venture outside of your 5km radius. The observer effect you describe makes a lot of sense… I guess I am just the opposite, cause when I see an emergency I’m all “YES, my time to shine!” and I get in there asap.
@Dirk – ha. Gavin Heaton has been telling me to write a book forever. I just don’t think I have the ability to carry a story for that long… But I do plan to write my memoirs, once something interesting happens in my life.
@zodiac – thank you! I love the illustration too, it’s my favourite part. I <3 @bobearth.
@Andy – of course, you feel my pain deeply, my child. But isn’t your new commute basically just as hellacious as the old one? *scratches head*
@Jimmy – pretty much, yes.
I am glad you weren’t killed or seriously maimed! etc.
I loved this piece and I love the illustration and I am glad something so good came out of such a shit experience – one for the memoirs?
Always interesting to read about other suburbs, especially dodgy ones. The Hills sounds a bit like where I grew up. We had one big yellow bus to the city too! I’ve had my hair stroked by a drooling weirdo and watched a man drink Bundy rum for the entire 1 hr trip. Good times!
fuck me, this is one of my favourites. i have ruptured some internal organs from trying (unsuccessfully) to hold in laughter at work. thanks a lot.
PS when your book is published, I will be the first to tee up an exclusive interview with your mother.
@Kathleen – maybe not the memoirs because it wasn’t exactly a life-defining moment, but it can certainly go in the book of short stories (assuming Hillsbus don’t sue my arse before I get there.)
@ellie – the hair strokers and drunk people usually catch the train around these parts, so buses are generally safe. Just uncomfortable and hideously expensive.
@sonja – let the laughter out! hehe I think I will have to publish the book under a pseudonym and never tell the mother about it… But if I do, you can certainly do the interviewing.
The Observer Effect gives too much credit to Hills people.
Mostly they’re freaks who like to watch others get beat upon, which gives them an opportunity to quietly “tut tut” to themselves and say “There, but for the grace of God…”
Of course, I’m in the central West where people would take the opportunity to sneakily sink in a boot of their own if the brawl rolled close enough to them.
My stupid fucking blog is such earnest bullshit. Four and a half stars. And what do you think David? I disagree, I’m an old coot and keeping your seat on the bus is very important when your knees are worthless fucking pins. 2 stars. Oh David, you are such a cunt. Fuck off Margaret
@Shane – yeah, I probably should have just turned the other cheek, right? I wish someone had jumped in! Then I could have crawled away unnoticed…
@franksting – how much have you had to drink tonight, mister?
Not so much. Just a little pissed off that my latest blogpost is so analytical rather than emotional. Which yours was and is therefore so much better
HA!
@Annik
Maybe, although if you’re going to turn the other cheek properly, I understand it requires a lot more gentle swaying, clapping and singing than you were in a position to do.
Although, if you were able to incite some sort of messianic fervor, at least you might be able to cut ahead a few places in the line.
Not sure how the experience compares to being regularly crushed by tweekers rushing to get on the train while everyone else is trying to get off it, but at least trains don’t get stuck in traffic (much).
(there was a point originally, but I think I dropped it somewhere)
Instant classic, Ms. Skelton. And impeccable use of the Fleshlight on the behalf of @bobearth.
@annik
Ahhh.. but i no longer live in the hills
So the end of my bus trip lies the beach!
Seriously — those cunts in the photo are rubber. Hasn’t anyone else noticed?
@Ben
I noticed. Hence, Fleshlight.
The Hills is SOHO compared to St Ives… but can really relate.
You had me at “If someone wants to carry another human inside them for 9 months or commute long distances once they’re past the age of sixty then that’s their business, not mine” – aggghhh… poetry!
You say what we’re all thinking, Neek! I can’t believe you got beat up!! Love the picture!
You are clearly an ignorant, foolish young girl…
Have you ever travelled? I bet the answer: NO.
I bet you’re still dependent on your parents? I bet the answer: YES.
Have you managed to complete Uni with success? I bet the answer: NO.
Do you have many friends that actually love you? I bet the answer: NO.
You poor child.
Here’s an idea – stop fukn complaining, finish your degree, travel so your can educate yourself on the world and how lucky you really are and get the fuk out of the Hills as I am more than sure the residence of the ‘North-west’ would prefer you out!
O and keep in mind + IGNORANCE ISNT BLISS!
Oh wow I found the abusive comment. Oh dear god, it’s someone who likes the Hills district enough to defend it in a hostile manner
can’t even be bothered teasing this poor woman, her mind was obviously destroyed long ago
I was there in line that night at the QVB bus stop and I have to say it was a terrible thing that happened.
A lady standing next to me also got her skirt pulled on by the junkie saying that she should “show off her ass”-before your hair got pulled.
In defence of everyone in that line it all happened so quickly there was no way you could have stopped it or helped anymore then your friend picking you up off the ground and another lady calling the police, I also recall a few people asking you if you were OK and you played cool and said you were fine (i thought you were quite brave at the time). But after reading this blog it is so disappointing.( i know myself and most of those people in that line did not want blood and tears – very good way to dramatise it though.)
You say in your blog that being pregnant and old and travelling is not your business and why should you give up your seat? Then i see it as don’t complain you didnt get help that night, getting your hair pulled and dragged by a junkie is non of our business either….
Your 23 if it sucks that much in the Hills stop being a leech on your parents and move out.. I would make sure you take that valium with you so you can then deal with the big old world by yourself.
O how I cannot wait the day you are finally awaken to what the world is really like…
You juvenile…
@Cando – I appreciate that. And I agree that it happened super quickly and I probably wouldn’t have done anything differently if I was anybody else there. I hope that similarly, you can understand that when I write on my blog, I dramatise things to some extent and not everything you read here should be taken as gospel.
@Cassie
Your obtuse remarks suggesting Annik educates herself really made my day.
Thanks for the beautiful irony.
Oh Cassie,
You are clearly a frustrated, foolish ill-informed woman…
Did you think this through before submitting? I bet the answer: NO.
Do you spend a little too much time on the internet finding things to be appalled by? I bet the answer: YES.
Are you secure enough in yourself to resist lashing out at something that has so patently touched a nerve: I bet the answer: NO.
Do you have anyone that actually loves you? I bet the answer: NO.
You poor thing.
Here’s an idea – look up ‘irony’, get some perspective, realise that basic skills in spelling and grammar really do help make a better point, please stay in the Hills as I am more than sure everyone outside of your enclave would prefer you in!
O and keep in mind + IGNORANCE ISN’T BLISS!
@Cassie Ignorance may not be bliss, but correct grammar and punctuation certainly are!
@Neek – Bus = the bane of my existence.
@ Annik.
Very well written piece and you clearly have talent. Happy to see you admit to the poetic license clearly evident within your blog.
@ Cando
I was also there that night and agree with your comments.
In truth, really there was not much anyone could do given 0.3 seconds to react to the junki attack. From memory, several people asked if she was ok and one lady called the police. Not sure what more was required in order to remove the ‘Cunt’ badge?
To add – unless people in other suburbs have the reflexes of a cougar, there was never anything anyone could do to assist. My point? Not necessarily fair to attribute the “cunt” characteristic to all hills residents for this reason, nor because given the circumstances they have no choice but to catch the Hills bus. A choice determined by socio economic status….. Not the forum to go further into this without starting world was 2, but my point is clear.
@ Passerby.
Thank you for your valuable contribution to this blog. Someone who finds Beauty amidst ‘irony’ perhaps needs some education themselves.
Nice flame fest. Well, time for me to stop procrastinating a d go for that jog.
Neek, hurry and finish ur book so I can be all like “yeah I totally read her blog before she was famous”
This blog post is not to be taken as seriously as Cassie took it. To the people who where there the night that Annik was assaulted, she isn’t blaming you for being attacked, it’s just a bit concerning from a young girls perspective. Who would have thought a woman could assault a person in front of 30 odd people at 8pm outside the QVB and just walk away as if nothing happened.
I spent my entire life in the Hills except 1 year in West Ryde and 8 Months in Drummoyne and I enjoy living in the Hills but Annik’s blog post has a lot of truth in it. Catching the Hills bus to and from work every day brings out a horrible side of me (the cunt in me, I suppose you could say). I get really annoyed when I stand at the bus stop for 20 minutes waiting for a bus that still has seats available and then at the next stop a pregnant woman gets on and glares at me until I forfeit my seat. I waited and in my mind earned that seat. I have a lot of friends who catch the Hills Bus and bitch about it just as much as Annik and I do.
My parents insisted on sending me to a private all girls school on the north shore. Therefore for 6 years of my life I listened to the girls from school tell me that the hills was shit and I lived in the middle of nowhere. Thousands of people in Sydney think the Hills is a crappy area and I don’t understand why some people are getting so upset just because one person wrote a blog post about it. It’s not like it was on the front page of the Sydney Morning Herald.
For those people who are offended, I would like you to take the time to read some other posts from Annik’s blog. Annik exaggerates and dramatises quite a few situations she has written about, I know this because I was there for many of these occasions in Annik’s life. Annik can take any situation and twist it with sick sarcasm which people like myself find entertaining.
Chill out kids.
Hey people look at the bright side – at least you didn’t go to school in Punchbowl from Kindergarten to year 12 having to experience drive by shootings, bomb threats and brawls outside your school. People bag out the west all the time, nothing to get upset about, all part of the territory.
Pointless piece of trash.
Awesome, If you google ‘hills bus iPhone’ this is the second link after “the Punchbowl Bus Co iPhone site”
[...] been on the other side of the spectrum too. I was once attacked while waiting for the bus, because I looked at a person. Nobody seemed to mind much. And I once tried to fight someone on [...]
Gold – or rather – CDC yellow
Might I also add that the seats will only fit children and midgets – think flying economy but 50% smaller, with no booze and no faint hope that you will crash and die in a blaze of atrophy
Amazing post! I’ve had to ride the dreaded yellow bus once or twice when visiting relatives and barely made it through each trip without being torn to shreds by the hellbeasts around me.
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