I never really saw Panic Room
When I was in year nine, every weekend I told my parents, “I’m staying at <insert friend’s name>’s house tonight.” Then I got drunk in a park and passed out on somebody’s couch or in the backseat of a nearby car.
One week I made the error of including a movie in my lie. “Bye, Mum,” I said, walking out the door, “I’m going to see Panic Room with my bible study group.”
Then I went to a school friend’s boyfriend’s share house, smoked bongs with a bunch of uni students, and built a tower out of empty UDL cans.
When I got home, my parents asked me if I’d enjoyed the movie.
“It was okay,” I said, not wanting to rave about it too much in case they decided to see it. And then, on a roll, I proceeded to fabricate an entire synopsis of the film. My rationale behind this was that if I told my parents everything that happened in the movie, they wouldn’t bother going to see it. I hadn’t even seen the preview prior to this, so my account of the movie was inspired by the title alone and was about as accurate as a James Frey novel. I gave extensive descriptions of the characters and made sure to detail all the plot developments, and then I re-enacted several scenes, using a set of Babushka dolls my aunt had given us for Christmas.
“I heard there’s a big twist at the end,” my mother said, “What’s the twist?”
“Jodie Foster is a robot,” I answered confidently.
“Well, that sounds like quite a film,” my dad said when I had finished. “And if you didn’t smell like a grow house, I would probably believe you.”
“Am I grounded?” I asked, leaning against a book shelf to steady myself.
“No, that was entertaining enough to redeem you this time,” Dad said, “But if you come home this stoned ever again, I will enrol you in aqua aerobics classes with your mother.”
11 Responses to “I never really saw Panic Room”
Oh I remember doing this all the time! For some reason I can’t help but add in SHITLOADS of fucking information when I lie. I suck at that.
Some might say that you have to be a bad liar to be a good writer. The reverse is not necessarily true (think James Frey, Tom Carew, Norma Khouri). In other words, the audience/reader needs to smell a bit of bullshit (or dope) to be able to lie back, relax & enjoy the ride.
Your dad is a champion.
I’ll never forget when I moved in with my Dad, he was like, I don’t care what you do, as long as you leave the house clean and smoke your pot outside.
Can’t believe you passed on Aqua Aerobics. I wouldn’t have turned down wet athletics with Ya Mum.
…
I’m storing all the comments your Dad makes in the back of my mind, and plan to pull them out when I eventually have a teenager.
I still have not seen Panic Room
@Keira – did we tell the same lie?
Panic room sucked balls.
***WARNING SPOILERS BELOW***
Firstly, you have to get over the fact that she looks up the classifieds and goes “Yes, I think I’ll buy that five story mansion on Manhattan Island. That will do nicely. Cash OK?”
OK, so maybe it was a big divorce settlement.
The plot was chopped up into goofy, all-too-neat sub stories, a la Madonna’s terrible “Body of Evidence”.
But there was one really good WOAH! moment. Maybe the twist your mother referred to. One of the baddies is walking up [down?] the stairs and accidentally blows his brains out. Ha!
Jodie Foster is a robot. Too funny.
@BigRamifications – oh I love the accidental suicide!! That makes me LOL hard and could have redeemed the film in my eyes, but it sounds like getting stoned was a preferable way to spend an evening. Thank you for clearing that up for me.
i told my Grandma I’d gone to see Wyatt Earp..I believe my coverup story involved ‘I hate kevin costner!’
Still haven’t seen it..
Once I watched a porno with some mates and got an unwated erection.
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