Why we hate Tim Allen
Most people don’t really think about Tim Allen very much. I probably think about Tim Allen once every three years, unless I see his picture somewhere, and then I think about him for roughly four seconds before I get bored and stop. But those four seconds are filled with a vague yet certain sense of hate. And all over the world, people of all shapes and sizes, colours and creeds, religions and other silly things, all share one thing in common: we hate Tim Allen.
The average punter doesn’t hate Tim Allen very strongly, because it’s not a cause worthy of too much emotion. But we do possess a mild collective distaste for the Tool Time man. A slight wrinkle of the nose upon hearing his name. An immediate reach for the remote control. An eye roll. A head shake. A twist of the monocle and a shot of brandy. And a pinch on the bum.
So why exactly do we hate Tim Allen? Nobody knows for sure, but I have a few ideas.
The first question we should ask ourselves is this: what’s to like about Tim Allen?
And, of course, the answer is “nothing.”
The second question is: would you accept a lift home with this man?
Don’t answer that, it’s rhetorical.
I recently went to a Tim Allen support group meeting and the following are just a few of the notes I made. These are real stories, from real people.*
Tim Allen broke into my house, stole a waffle iron and left obscene polaroids on my pillow.
Tim Allen took me out for a nice dinner once, and then got what was later described as ‘mildly rapey’.
I once had to watch The Santa Clause as a child. I cannot say anymore on the subject; the rest is repressed.
Tim Allen tried to pickpocket me while I was on holidays in Thailand, but he was clumsy with Mekhong whiskey & easily foiled.
Who wedged a red crayon between his buttocks and ‘autographed’ my house? Tim Allen did.
Tim Allen attempted to have an orgy with my dogs but I managed to beat him off with a spatula.
Tim Allen is responsible for the life I’ve led; the tears I’ve cried, the blood I’ve spilt.
Tim Allen borrowed my car for the weekend and returned it with a dead hooker in the trunk.
Hello! I am Tim Allen and everybody hates me.**
Now I’m not a biased person, and I want to deliver balanced views on this site, so I spoke to a well-known movie critic to get his thoughts on Tim Allen. This is what he said:
“Tim Allen is a man’s man man’s man. I’ll never forget the first time I met him; I’d fallen down a hill and broken my leg, and he carried me four miles to hospital, telling me hilarious jokes and reminding me why we let him into our lives (and hearts!) as Tim “The Tool-Man” Taylor.
I think that says it all, really.
18 Responses to “Why we hate Tim Allen”
I hate him because he is part of my “fat-face club.”
yep… right alongside Brendan Fraser… The Baldwin brothers… Micky Buble… Tony Robbins
But… but… HE’S BUZZ LIGHTYEAR!
Hang on – all fair points (he once set up an intricate series of death traps in my home, requiring some form of godawful physical sacrifice to solve each one, killing several of my friends and wounding me in the left bollock…) but he starred in Galaxy Quest.
Galaxy Quest is a good film. Maybe even creeping into the “classic comedy” realm, with films like Ghostbusters, Flying High, Blazing Saddles, Schindler’s List and Alvin Purple.
Tim Allen is good in it. So is the rest of the cast. Not Godfather 2 great. But – maybe Godfather 3 great. That’s still pretty great, despite the presence of Sofia Coppola, which I believe was later made a part of the Geneva Conventions to avoid a repeat of.
How the fuck do these things happen?(*)
(*- perhaps a broken clock is indeed right twice a day. What was his other good movie? Sure as fuck wasn’t The Santafuckingclause Part III – The Elf Fuckening)
Wait.
‘Tim Allen attempted to have an orgy with my dogs but I managed to beat him off with a spatula.’
How is that supposed to be read? Specifically the last bit.
@Paul – I feel I should point to my research skills, which are surprisingly lacking, as I have not seen Galaxy Quest. Or Mary Poppins! Clearly I have some viewing to do.
@Adam – oh.. you know those muffins I made for you? Don’t eat those.
You had me at “mildly rapey”.
Yeah, but he’s one of the few comics who doesn’t have to resort to foul language to be funny. He can do thirty minutes of stand up comedy without one bleep. Come see for yourself at the Laugh Factory on Thursday Nights.
I forgot about Galaxy Quest.
Woe is I.
@Damien -
“Maybe even creeping into the “classic comedy” realm, with films like Ghostbusters, Flying High, Blazing Saddles, Schindler’s List and Alvin Purple”
Schindler’s List probably isn’t one of my favorite comedy films…
@Jessica – that was my comment, and I stand by it. If I were Damien I wouldn’t want to be tarred by the same brush…
Besides, you have to admit that Schindler’s List is funnier than Alvin Purple by a large margin.
Then again, so is The Deer Hunter, and that’s got less laughs than a Bulgarian soap opera on the cheaper government station.
@Paul Are you maybe referring to Common Article 3 of the Geneva conventions?
“the following acts are and shall remain prohibited at any time and in any place whatsoever with respect to the above-mentioned persons:
(…)
(c) outrages upon personal dignity, in particular humiliating and degrading treatment;”
(http://www.icrc.org/ihl.nsf/WebART/375-590006)
My name is William Raleigh, interim webmaster for http://www.timallenzone.org
I am NOT pleased by this hateful, unnecessary post. Throughout his career, Tim Allen has touched a lot of hearts and changed a lot of lives. Who are you to try and take that away with your very UNfunny tongue-in-cheek rant?
Instead of being called, “Why We Hate Tim Allen,” your post should be called “Why we Hate Ourselves and Project it Onto Celebrities Who Have Done Nothing But Good Things for Our Culture As A Whole.”
I’ve dedicated a lot of time trying to raise awareness about Tim Allen’s achievements. And I know I’m not alone. No, I don’t benefit from the large reading-audience that you do. And yes, it’s a daily struggle getting the message out there.
I propose you post a formal retraction, and apology to Tim Allen. And, if you want to do some GOOD for once, post a link back to our site, http://www.timallenzone.org. You may scoff at our enthusiasm, but it’s not a joke to us. It’s real life. It’s my life, and I don’t appreciate it being so ruthlessly and carelessly insulted.
actually i saw tim allen on thursday at the laugh factory and he is not at all creepy. he is a family man (just had a baby) and everyone seemed to like him a lot including me… that bit about spiderman is too funny!
@Bill – hi Bill. Thank you for commenting. I had a look at your site and it is very good. In fact, it is probably the greatest site I have ever seen. I hope you will accept my invitation to do a guest post here at Neekersneakers. Usually when I want to do something good, I donate blood or give money to charities, but I think that promoting your site is where the real karma bank account lies. I am glad we have met in this way.
Tim Allen Zone currently has 99 unique visitors as of 4:46pm GMT +11:00 20/10/2009 – I’m curious how many it had before this blog post went live.
@Annik- I formally accept your invitation. I too am glad we met in this way.
@passerby- http://www.timallenzone.org had 46 unique visitors before this blog post. It has more than doubled. But please check back soon. New Home Improvement fan fiction is on the way!
[...] first came into my life when he commented on my previous post regarding Tim Allen. Since then I have been inspired by Bill’s dedication and heart-felt [...]
i hope no one is stupid enough to fall for this BS its so fucking stupid and doesn’t make sense for even one sentence. if you only thought about him for few seconds every 3 years where did you find the time to write this ever 4 seconds you think about him you write as much as you can as fast as you can. this shit is all a joke.
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