How to ruin Christmas part 1: add fuel to harmless family arguments until they escalate to full-blown domestic disputes
Mum: Can you open the champagne, darling?
Dad: The Chandon?
Mum: No, the Veuve. I told you to bring the Veuve!
Dad: Well I just grabbed whatever was in the fridge.
Mum: The fridge in the kitchen?
Dad: No, the fridge in the garage.
Mum: Why would you do that?
Dad: You just said ‘get the champagne from the fridge’. If you meant a specific champagne from a particular fridge, you should have said so.
Me: Yeah, Mum. The guy’s a GP, not an oracle.
Mum: I just don’t understand why you never listen to me properly. If you were unsure, you should have asked.
Me: Yeah, Dad. You went to medical school for six years but you can’t even figure out what champagne to bring to Christmas lunch?
Dad: I have worked my arse off so that you people can have champagne in the first place, and then this is how you treat me?
Me: Yeah, Mum!
Mum: Oh, right, because birthing your children and raising them into semi-respectable adults was just one big goddamn holiday for me.
Me: Yeah, Dad! Wait…what do you mean by semi?
Dad: Annik, please tell your mother that if anybody needs me, I’ll be in my study.