Ask Elton – part 3

Would you consider moving to melbourne and being my house slave?

Probably not.

What’s the point of asking you anything?

The fact that you asked me this question caused the laws of logic to implode and shower tiny flakes of Lame into your gay fish tank.

Do you prefer guys who are circumcised or uncircumcised, and why?

Oh I’m not really into astrology!

Do you really dislike your mother as much as it seems?

No, I love my mother. You stay away from her.

What scares you (apart from giant cockroaches)?

Gang rape, ice junkies, childbirth, bagpipes and facial scars.

Why are people cunts?

I can scientifically explain why men are cunts, but not women. I think you just need to accept that generally speaking, the average person is pretty shit.

Annik Skelton a friend to the poor?

I never give change to homeless people, but I used to randomly give bums $10 or $20 notes just to see what their reaction would be. Then I got a job writing.

Can pregnant women take the front seat on the bus?

Lord, no! Pregnant men, however, are entitled to drive the bus, if they wish to do so.

Did your medication for getting your wisdom teeth out fuck you up?

Oh yes. I’d do it all again, if my medical insurance would cover that sort of thing.

Do uni girls fuck a lot?

It depends what your degree is. In accounting, not so much. But generally, uni isn’t the best place to pick-up unless you want to put in a lot of effort. Most girls pretend to have standards, then they go on a Contiki tour and have sex with eight different people every half hour.

Do you skinny dip in your pool?

The Hills have eyes, and nosy neighbours, so no.

How did your brother torture you?

In various ways. By pinning me to the floor and farting in my face, or making up songs about how ugly I was and singing them during long car trips, or punching me in the face, or locking me in the garage, or putting cat poo in my food. Kids!

How do you make a magazine?

First you’ll need eight litres of engine oil and a babushka doll. Sift the flour, turn left, push the lid down as you open the bottle, and add more reverb. That’s very important. Then you press DISPLAY at the same time as CLOCK and hold it down, add a slice of fresh lime, and tie a knot in the whole thing. Serve chilled.

How bad is Hillsbus?

Allow me to answer a question with a question here – how bad is Lucifer’s anus?

How long does it take from the hills to the city by bus?

Thirty to forty minutes without traffic, two hours with traffic.

Tell me the name of a powerful pill that makes girls too excited for fucking?

Money.

Where do I catch the Hillsbus?

Catching the Hillsbus is quite simple. Just stand at the base of any incline in Sydney’s outer suburbs, raise a conch to your lips, and then plunge it into your chest.

Why does my hair come out in clumps?

It sounds like a wiring problem. Have you tried turning the hair off at its power source and rebooting? Oh you forgot your password! How silly. I’ll reset that for you.

Is Annik Skelton a scam?

Completely and entirely. I’ve been trying to figure out how to make money off you chumps for thirty years now!

Why would you invite Tim Allen over for Christmas?

Presumably for dinner. I imagine he’d be quite tasty once roasted.

How do you stop?

Why start! I like to hold back in the effort department, as it only leads to more work later on.

Wine racks. What’s the point?

Nobody really knows. Personally, I have never owned enough unopened bottles of wine at the same time to necessitate a wine rack. What am I going to do with a wine rack!