Someone else’s conversations with their mother

The following post comes courtesy of the sometimes inappropriately funny and always rather good-looking @liceri. I didn’t have to edit this at all, which is awesome, because I’m lazy.

Enjoy.

Annik

Canadian people are insane

My parents are Canadian and mental. From this, I assume that all Canadians are insane. I’m Canadian too but I’ve lived in Australia since I was 3 so it doesn’t really count. As they age, they become less and less guarded about the things they say in front of me (as far as they’re concerned, I’m too old to be emotionally affected by them), and think less and less before they speak because they think I don’t listen anymore. To outsiders, my mum is quiet, reserved, dignified and conservative. She doesn’t swear. She’s never lewd or crude. She’s lovely and cuddly and a pure delight; a true lady. However, in private (and after fair amounts of alcohol), she’s often the opposite.

As for my dad, well, he’s quiet – but he’s measured and thinks before he speaks.

Together, they’re unstoppable.

She’s a mathematical genius

Me: [sings something about ballsacks]
Mum: “Hey! You’re 24. I thought you grew out of that stuff!”
Me: “I grew INTO that stuff, not out of it.”
Mum: [after a long pause] “Wow! You’re going to be 25 soon!”
Me: [laughs hysterically]
Dad: [laughs hysterically]

After seeing an advertisement about bushfires

Mum: [To my dad] “If there’s a fire here, I’m going to take the dog, run straight to the beach and stay in the water. [long pause] What are you going to do?”

Discussing the new Australian Idol judge

Mum: “Well, of course he’s better than that fat dickhead, but he’s also heaps better than that other idiot, whats-his-name, Four-Door Holden or whatever…”

She saw me playing with my iPhone

Mum: “Who are you twatting?”

After I shouted “I have a headache” to no-one in particular

Mum: “SHUT UP!”

After being asked what our (French-inspired) dessert was

Mum: “The menu says ‘apple and lavender tarts, with dulche de leche’, which means ‘I haven’t the foggiest’.”

She saw a T-Shirt with the letter ‘W’ and an anchor (implying ‘wanker’)

Mum: “I don’t get it. Only women allowed on the boat?”

Regarding sperm donation

Mum: “I don’t get it. Why go through all the hassle of buying sperm, all the legalities, all the money spent, when you could just go to a bar, pick up, have sex with anyone and in five minutes it would be done for free?”

On the female anatomy

Mum: “So here in Australia ‘fanny’ doesn’t mean bum, it’s the front bit, right? So, what do you mean by ‘beef curtains’? I don’t get…” [watches me mime parting curtains] “Oh my goodness! Ewwww!”

On Situs Inversis (congenital condition in which the major organs are reversed or mirrored)

[Recieved via Email]

“That’s unbelievable! Guess it could be worse if your body parts were reversed (top to bottom) then your nose would constantly run and your feet would smell……….Anyway, I’m making shepherds pie for dinner. xox”

After being asked to rate a film out of five stars

Mum: “Oh, nine-and-a-half, easily!”

After watching Seven Pounds (film about organ donation)

Mum: “When I go, go ahead and give all my bits away. As if I’m going to even notice – I’ll be dead!”

While reading the morning paper

Mum: “I mean, imagine if you were the parent of the girl who bullied her online, driving her to suicide. How would you feel? It’s just so – OOH! POTATO AND LEEK PIE!”

On David Koch from Sunrise

Dad: “Did you know he used to be a finance reporter?”
Mum: “Did YOU know he’s a total KNOB JOCKEY!?!?”

On abstinence

Mum: “I don’t think I’m going to drink.” [pause] “I’ll just have a glass of Rosé instead.”

They were discussing wacky party themes

Dad: “What about a party with NO ALCOHOL?”[flails arms dramatically]

Mum: [death stare]

Re: their Christmas Eve party

Mum: “We don’t really need plates – it’s all fingering food.”

Dad: [throwing arms up triumphantly] “Excellent!”

On seeing my low-cut dress

Mum: “Are you allowed to have bosoms like that at work?”

Me: “Well, they’re not really removable.”

Upon entering the living room while I’m watching the Sixth Sense with a friend who’s never seen it before

Mum: “Isn’t it amazing that he’s actually DEAD the whole time?!”