I’m pretty sure I dated a sociopath
Some of you will know who was involved in the events below. Please do leave a comment and feel free to ask questions, but I would appreciate it if no names were mentioned, in order to protect the innocent (and the guilty.)
I was having drinks with an old friend when the subject of my particularly heinous ex came up.
“You need to be smarter,” he advised as I wrapped up the latest update.
“Fuck off,” I replied. “It’s not as if these guys come with a big tag saying DOUCHEBAG. You can’t pick them.”
“Yes, you can,” he insisted. “Well I can, anyway.”
All men think this. They have absolute faith in their ability to spot an arsehole, presumably because they’ve been one themselves at some stage.
“Go on,” I said.
“Okay. So if a guy has a popped collar – he’s a douchebag. And if he’s got the southern cross tattooed anywhere on his body, I won’t even speak to him. Also, bleached hair is a huge indicator of fuckwittage.”
“But my ex didn’t have any of that stuff,” I protested. “Then again, he wasn’t a conventional douchebag. He was actually…evil.”
“Yeah, yeah, all men are scum,” my friend said, and waved his hand dismissively.
I opened my mouth to argue, but found myself at a familiar loss. I’d already had this conversation with various people over the past few months – with both men and women – but I was still struggling to find a way to explain exactly what went on in my relationship.
In a nutshell: I chose to be with an emotionally abusive, lying, manipulative cunt, for nearly two years.
Did I know it at the time? Yes. Was I able to walk away from the relationship? No. How did it actually happen? I’m not sure.
I’m a reasonably well-balanced individual. I’m relatively smart. And ordinarily, I’ve got a pretty healthy sense of self-esteem. But over the years I was with this guy, he took all the parts of my brain that made me normal and systematically destroyed them. By the second year, I was a mess. I couldn’t concentrate at work, I didn’t sleep, I was 8kg below my normal weight, I took too many drugs, I drank too much, I had no interest in my friends, and I lived in a perpetual state of fear and intense anxiety.
It started slowly… A few comments about my weight, my make up, my dress sense. Some condescending remarks about my work or my writing or my professional reputation. Over time, that developed into plain insults, combined with accusations of cheating, irrational jealousy, and constant arguments. He made a habit of pointing out everything I did wrong (and I was always doing something wrong.) He told me that my friends were conspiring against me and I should cut them out of my life. He read my emails and went through my things. He joined forums to follow my online interactions. He forbade me from talking to some of my male friends. He ranted and raved and screamed until I learned not to complain about anything. He told me I was paranoid. He told me I was stupid. He told me I was inappropriate. He told me I was a slut. He yelled at me when I cried. He said he wanted to punch me in the face. He threatened to kill my family.
And he cheated. Oh yes, he cheated, a thousand times. And for an obscene period of time, he had two serious girlfriends concurrently.
“Why did you keep going back to him?” is the question everyone asks.
Quite simply, I was terrified of not having him because he had rebuilt every aspect of my life to revolve around him. There was just nothing left. I had alienated most of my friends, and my relationship with my parents had become strained because I was so agitated all the time or trying to hide the fact that I was fucked up. My work, my music, my writing, my social life, and everything else I enjoyed had somehow come to involve him to such a degree that I couldn’t do any of those things without him. He made my life miserable, but I needed him desperately because I had come to depend on him for almost everything. I had no coping skills left and having someone else control my life was somehow comforting, even if they were the one who made the mess in the first place. He would regularly orchestrate situations that he knew would devastate me, then swoop in at the last minute to fix things as I floundered. Eventually, he was all I had.
I suffered most of this in silence. I never really told anyone what was happening, because I knew what their answer would be, and I knew I couldn’t leave him. Plus, I was just plain embarrassed. There was simply no point in having that discussion.
But of course, it ended eventually. I uncovered a series of transgressions so major that even I couldn’t talk myself into believing his bullshit anymore. I arranged a meeting, and then I threw myself at him, kicking and screaming, hitting and biting. He didn’t feel it, but he left me alone after that.
Once the adrenaline of that final episode wore off, I fell into a bit of a slump. I was still reeling from everything that had happened, but everyone had already heard the story and was bored with it. I looked okay, so everyone assumed I was. My job kept me busy and functional during the day, but most nights I drank until I passed out. I felt completely traumatised. I’d always known my relationship contained some untruth, but discovering the scale of the lies was devastating. It felt like an episode of Scooby Doo, when the villain peels back his mask and you realise you had completely mistaken his identity altogether. I agonised over how I was supposed to prevent a situation like that from developing again, when I wasn’t really sure how I’d let it happen in the first place. And at the end of the day, I was simply floored by the fact that a human being could be so completely, purely, remorselessly awful. So I drank until I couldn’t maintain a string of logic, I turned off my phone, and I didn’t leave my house unless I absolutely had to. I simply needed to sit, alone, and try to remember who I was. Gradually the shock wore off and I remembered how to be a normal person, but the anger never really faded. I realised that up until that point in my life, I’d never actually hated anyone. I say that I hate things or people all the time, but this was red-hot and bigger than me. I was afraid it would make me do something terrible. I’m still afraid of that.
I think about him less now, but when I do, it’s always in fantasy: I see him drunk, stumbling around the city one night. He trips and staggers in front of a bus. It crushes him instantly. His body breaks and he’s thrown to the side of the road. He lies there, a tangle of gore and smashed limbs. He can’t speak, but he can hear. And he needs an ambulance, fast. I walk over, kneel next to him, and look into his eyes. “You worthless fuck,” I say and spit in his face, then walk away.
34 Responses to “I’m pretty sure I dated a sociopath”
I honestly believe we should be best friends. That is all
I remember sitting on the balcony, smoking and discussing this person while you debated whether to give him another chance. I think I advised something along the lines of taking the chance to find out whether he really had changed.
Sorry about that.
Annik…fuck, sorry I’m speechless
I love you, and I’m proud of you. That is all x
Annik — I think we had a talk along the lines of, “sometimes people just need to figure stuff out in their own time.”
It’s true, you took a little longer than most, but I’m glad you finally did. You’re so much better off.
xo
This is almost a textbook case of an abusive relationship. Sociopath he may be, but more likely to be learned behaviour from his own father. There’s no comfort in this – because no one should have to go through this – but your experience is not uncommon.
And YAY YAY YAY that you managed to get yourself out of it. A lot of women don’t, unfortunately, because – as you said – they feel wholly dependent on the guy for everything.
Annik I am so proud of you for posting this. You are a fucking rock star and I’m glad you have been able to get out.. a lot don’t. Much love xx
You are so brave and I have endless amounts of respect for you Annik.
Your writing is brilliant. You forced me to go through it with you. I actually feel sick, yet I keep compulsively reading it.
I need a drink.
I think we discussed this person, can’t remember what my advice was or how much I was told/you knew at the time but I hope my advice wasn’t shit. Anyways, must feel good to get it off ur chest & onto the internets. Actually makes quite a lot of sense when I connect the dots.
I’m no expert on psychology but my $0.02 I must throw in is this: it’s perfectly normal to feel anger/hatred towards mr x/miss x BUT I truly believe that the best thing for you ultimately is to forgive & move on with your own happy life. (just quietly it’s also the best revenge
I believe that until you do that you are still in a way under their control. That’s not to say that writing this blog/feeling that hate isn’t a good step in the right direction & it would be unreasonable to expect forgiveness to come instantly. It takes time.
Wow, that was long of me… & preachy.
To summarize, you go gurl!
Friend through primary school & high school met just such a douche, really messed her up (anorexia, pregnancy, it goes on).. the thing is, if you identify this individual within your friend network – how do you correctly inform said affected friend?
By this I mean,
what could someone have said then, to make you realise he’s a dick, sooner. Would it have been possible – or did you have to learn yourself?
Glad you wrote this. As you know, went through something similar and I am still furious and angry and betrayed. Plus, where the fuck is karma when you need it?! How come he gets to move on, completely untouched, while I’m a freaking mess?
Amazing post though, xx
Noone deserves to be treated or traumatised in this way.
You’ve actually got remarkable clarity around the situation. Some people stay in these relationships for much of their lives, I’m glad you had the strength to leave.
Hopefully one day, you can summon a bit of the old Nelson Mandela around this one, and that will be when you know you have truly moved on.
xx
Annik,
I am struck by your honesty.
I wish you have a good cup of coffee today.
Much love,
A reader
Good on you Annik. Respect to you.
@Manda – sounds like you’ve got a similar story, huh? Maybe we should go for a coffee
@Ceri – you should be sorry, you bitch. Just kidding. I probably would have given exactly the same advice, so don’t sweat it.
@frank – thank you, buster.
@Kahlee – I love you more! Awwww.
@you know who – yeah it was a slow-drop penny. Better later than never, eh?
@NereadersDigest – I’m not so sure about the father issue, but it’s not really my place to go into that.. It makes me sad that it’s not an uncommon experience, but hopefully with a little more awareness, more people will be able to get out of those kinds of situations..
@Karalee – thanks, beautiful. I actually got a bit inspired by some of your recent personal posts *hug*
@Emma – we definitely need to go for cocktails soon xx
@Stanry – all true. I am hoping my homicidal desires will diminish over time. I guess it’s just a waste of energy if I keep fuming…
@Zac – I’m going to email you, love.
@Sari – I don’t believe in karma. Never have. But I hope he gets cancer and you win the lottery anyway
@Kate – oh I can think of a few people who deserve to be treated that way…
Seriously though, it is horrible to think of people who marry into that kind of situation. *shudder* I’ll think about Mandela…maybe in a few years. 
@Maria – thanks for the comment.
I had 2 awesome cups of coffee today, so it was a good day.
@Danielle – xo
Sucks for anyone to go through that kind of relationship, but good to see you’ve bounced back and can talk about it.
Also, a serious post… WTF?
<3 <3 <3 drunk on wine and cheering to you. you amaze me in so many ways. <3 <3 <3
It’s incredible the amount of women that have a story so similar to this. It’s often hard for them to admit how they let themselves slip into this abuse, you’ve captured it really well, and have sparked conversation about something that is often taboo.
So much respect to you for getting out of it. It took my mother 14 years to get out of my father’s grip. It was exactly how you described, he had emotionally raped her so much that she felt he was the only thing in her life. He actually had her convinced that without him, she’d be nothing and no one would help her.
You are amazing Annik.
// love another reader.
I’m glad you didn’t call the ambulance.
What a courageous post.
Sometimes I feel like I am slightly still in one of those relationships.
Coincedentally someone I dated for a few months when I was 19 has just been arrested for murder.
I sure know how to pick them
Much respect, lady. Too many people with stories like this stay silent. I salute you.
I think insane douchebags like him get away with so much because they are, unfortunately, damned clever. I hope you’re not beating yourself up for staying for so long. You were swindled by the Bernie Madoff of the emotional world. You are not to blame.
Holy hell, Annik. Piles of respect, and much love. xxo
i went through something similar, took me 4 years to get over it… Haven’t really talked about the deep details of it to anyone, so kudos to you for opening up, much respect.
Such a sad story, but so well put and wow some serious guts to write about it, well done.
It’s a kick in the face when you realise that someone you trusted was abusing your trust.
I have a close girlfriend who went through a similar situation, and I had no idea until after the breakup as to the extent of the emotional abuse, because he was good at hiding it and she didn’t show it either. I felt, as an outsider, guilty for not seeing it.
However, what doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger. Cliche, I know, but true. As long as it doesn’t harden you beyond reach, a little cynicism gained isn’t a negative thing. Now you know what you never want again and you’ll recognise it earlier.
Great post. x
Love ya neeky
Oh.. and unrelated but i know someone who’s got their bus license.
Prepare for a long comment.
I’m sorry you had to go through that shit, but thankyou so much for writing this.
I dated someone EXACTLY like your ex. If we didn’t live in different cities I would be convinced it was the same guy. Though mine didn’t allow me to drink so I couldn’t even drink my sorrows away. What a bastard.
The only thing stopping me from 100% hating the guy is that I met his family, who were very very rich but also very very fucked up, and treated their kids horribly. You don’t need a psychologist to figure it out. People learn that kind of behaviour somewhere.
I still hear about my ex sometimes nowadays and it sounds like he is still the angry, bitter dude he was when he was 18. I bet yours is the same. And no matter how much guys like that control girls like us, we emerge the better person for recognising that it’s not cool to be treated like that, and moving on with life.
sounds like a right cunt
Hey here is a video about somebody calling you ugly. Great talk. XX
http://www.youtube.com/user/BuddhistSocietyWA?gl=AU&hl=en-GB#p/u/26/htQ12Z2MV0Q
You sure this was a goy ?? Sounds remarkably like my ex-fiance. I couldn’t leave either, because every time I tried she’d get sick and I had convinced myself that it was my fault.
Eventually if was a case of “fuck off and die, bitch”.
She bad-mouthed me everywhere – friends, family, clients. Funny thing was she married some church dick less than 6 month later.
Some women are really fucked up too
OMG…did we date the same loser? He didn’t play for the Waratahs by chance did he? Footballers are another breed altogether. I read on a card the other day “It’s better to have loved and lost than to live with the psycho for the rest of your life”. I laughed out loud.
I come here for the funnies and this is what I get?!
Pretty courageous of you my dear, dead impressed and glad you got out – not all men are cunts but I’m absolutely astounded by how many men and women are abused like this – I’ve got a (male) friend who spends everyday having his confidence undermined by his girlfriend until he feels like he can’t operate without her – left uni to be closer to her etc. Etc. While she still did everything she wanted – his entire life is on hold for her and all because she’s driven him to a point where he can’t think of any other situation. Its gutting but he won’t listen to me.
I have a mate in the same boat – girlfriend dominating his life, etc. And because I tell him how I see it, I’m persona non grata with her. She’s “banned” me from his house – and that’s the only thing he’s stood up to her on.
Makes me want to have the bitch kneecapped.
Hey, I know it’s a laaaate reply, but I stopped reading for a while, and have now returned to follow again, and am catching up on all the pots I missed.
I as in a relationship like that, too. Word for word, almost exactly the same.
I ended up speaking with a psychologist about it. She told me that that’s exactly how abusive relationships happen: gradually, so gradually you don’t even notice. And the way your self-esteem is slowly stripped down means that by the time things get really bad, you’ve got no strength left in you to walk away. That’s the thing people don’t realise about abusive relationships. That they can happen to anybody, absolutely anybody. People think that you need to have self-esteem issues beforehand to end up in bed with a monster. But all that destruction happens during the relationship, not prior to it. It’s a stupid and terrible stigma which is just one it a long list of victim-blaming.
The psychologist I spoke to made an interesting point. She said that abusive relationships, by their nature, include a component of brain-washing. She then said that brain-washing requires the wash-er to be able to predict the reactions of the wash-ee. Therefore, the best person to be brainwashed is a person who exhibits typical reactions; that is, a normal person, rather than a vulnerable one. People who end up in abusive relationships are actually more likely to be people who are healthy, functional and utterly normal.
Kudos to you for sharing your story. It’s a hard thing to talk about.
Much love.
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