I as in a relationship like that, too. Word for word, almost exactly the same.

I ended up speaking with a psychologist about it. She told me that that’s exactly how abusive relationships happen: gradually, so gradually you don’t even notice. And the way your self-esteem is slowly stripped down means that by the time things get really bad, you’ve got no strength left in you to walk away. That’s the thing people don’t realise about abusive relationships. That they can happen to anybody, absolutely anybody. People think that you need to have self-esteem issues beforehand to end up in bed with a monster. But all that destruction happens during the relationship, not prior to it. It’s a stupid and terrible stigma which is just one it a long list of victim-blaming.

The psychologist I spoke to made an interesting point. She said that abusive relationships, by their nature, include a component of brain-washing. She then said that brain-washing requires the wash-er to be able to predict the reactions of the wash-ee. Therefore, the best person to be brainwashed is a person who exhibits typical reactions; that is, a normal person, rather than a vulnerable one. People who end up in abusive relationships are actually more likely to be people who are healthy, functional and utterly normal.

Kudos to you for sharing your story. It’s a hard thing to talk about.

Much love.

Makes me want to have the bitch kneecapped.

Pretty courageous of you my dear, dead impressed and glad you got out – not all men are cunts but I’m absolutely astounded by how many men and women are abused like this – I’ve got a (male) friend who spends everyday having his confidence undermined by his girlfriend until he feels like he can’t operate without her – left uni to be closer to her etc. Etc. While she still did everything she wanted – his entire life is on hold for her and all because she’s driven him to a point where he can’t think of any other situation. Its gutting but he won’t listen to me.

Eventually if was a case of “fuck off and die, bitch”.

She bad-mouthed me everywhere – friends, family, clients. Funny thing was she married some church dick less than 6 month later.

Some women are really fucked up too

I’m sorry you had to go through that shit, but thankyou so much for writing this.

I dated someone EXACTLY like your ex. If we didn’t live in different cities I would be convinced it was the same guy. Though mine didn’t allow me to drink so I couldn’t even drink my sorrows away. What a bastard.

The only thing stopping me from 100% hating the guy is that I met his family, who were very very rich but also very very fucked up, and treated their kids horribly. You don’t need a psychologist to figure it out. People learn that kind of behaviour somewhere.

I still hear about my ex sometimes nowadays and it sounds like he is still the angry, bitter dude he was when he was 18. I bet yours is the same. And no matter how much guys like that control girls like us, we emerge the better person for recognising that it’s not cool to be treated like that, and moving on with life.

Oh.. and unrelated but i know someone who’s got their bus license.

I have a close girlfriend who went through a similar situation, and I had no idea until after the breakup as to the extent of the emotional abuse, because he was good at hiding it and she didn’t show it either. I felt, as an outsider, guilty for not seeing it.

However, what doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger. Cliche, I know, but true. As long as it doesn’t harden you beyond reach, a little cynicism gained isn’t a negative thing. Now you know what you never want again and you’ll recognise it earlier.

Great post. x