This one time, at Hotel CBD, I was drinking gin with some friends when this forty-something guy began lurking near our table. My friend, whose eloquence was matched only by her drunkenness, turned to him and said, “Fuck off, you’re old.”

His jaw dropped a little and he went and sat at the table immediately next to us, looking crestfallen. I was embarrassed, so I went over and apologised on behalf of my friend. He bought me a drink and we started chatting. He told me he was in Sydney on business and didn’t know anyone, but just wanted to chill out and have a drink in town. We talked for a while about travelling, university, and how unnecessarily rude my friend was for assuming he was trying to hit on a bunch of chicks who were clearly young enough to be his children. I mean, come on, he just wanted someone to talk to! He just wanted to hang out! No funny business or anything. And what is wrong with society these days that you can’t just go up to people and say hello without them jumping to conclusions and assuming you’re trying to fuck them? The world has truly gone down the toilet.

After a while, I noticed my friends were getting ready to leave, so I stood up and held out my hand.

Me: Have a good night.

Old man: So, can I have your number?

Me: What?

Old man: I find you very attractive and I’d like to take you out to dinner.

Me: We just had a ten minute conversation about how old you are and how it would be criminal of you to date anyone my age.

Old man: Mmm I know.

Me: If you really want to, you can add me on Facebook.

Old man: What’s that?

Me: Exactly.

He gave me his business card and I kept it for a while, because he looked so much like Drew Carey.

That pretty much sums up my dating history anyway.

Earlier this year I decided to go back to uni to finish my bachelor degree. I’m not sure why. It seemed like a good idea at the time. My first lot of exams was reasonably traumatic. Here is a summary:

Exam #1: Gender, History & Culture

• Wake up late
• Injure eyeball while putting in contact lenses
• Cannot ride bike due to the rain
• Cannot find taxi due to the rain
• Cry
• Phone a friend and make them drive me
• Accidentally slam my writing hand in the bathroom door
• Arrive 10 minutes after the exam has started with throbbing hand
• Mistake a pair of boobs for a bum and write half an essay on dual gendered identities before realising what was actually in the photo and having to rewrite the whole thing.

Exam score: 83
Overall grade: Credit

Exam #2: Australian Studies: Images of Australia

• Arrive on time to realise exam is open book and I did not bring my books
• Decide to go home and get books, sacrificing valuable writing time
• Run up the hill of death in Ultimo, through the pissing rain, trying to find a cab in morning peak hour
• Am too unfit and have to stop to rest while precious minutes tick away
• Stand in the rain for 10 minutes trying to find a taxi
• Find taxi
• Lose it to some lady in a power suit
• Cry
• Find taxi
• Drive all the way home, get books, drive back to the exam venue
• Hand over $40 in taxi fares
• Sit exam, which started 20 minutes earlier
• Hate life.

Exam score: 80
Overall grade: Distinction

I ended up withdrawing from the following study period two days after the census date, forfeiting roughly $1,400 in HECS but not really caring.

When my mum gets back from Turkey, she will read this and be disappointed in me.

Old man at bar: I saw you at the races today!
Me: I don’t think so.
Old man: Yes, I did. You were serving chips.
Me: Actually, that’s impossible, because today I was at home playing Goldeneye.
Friend: I can’t tell which one of you is the bigger loser right now.

Friend: Why do they always put the fat girls behind the bar?
Me: I don’t know, but every bartender in here just heard you say that.

Me: Do you guys take EFTPOS?
Bartender: No.
Me: Do you have an ATM?
Bartender: No.
Me: What kind of a strip club doesn’t have an ATM?
Bartender: There’s one just outside.
Me: Good. I’ll withdraw giant wads of cash on my way to a strip club with better facilities.

Me: Some guy at Bada Bing called me fat.
Ryan: Think about the start of that sentence. Most girls who start a sentence with, “some guy at Bada Bing” end it with “date raped me” so I’d say you got off lightly.