This one time, at Hotel CBD, I was drinking gin with some friends when this forty-something guy began lurking near our table. My friend, whose eloquence was matched only by her drunkenness, turned to him and said, “Fuck off, you’re old.”
His jaw dropped a little and he went and sat at the table immediately next to us, looking crestfallen. I was embarrassed, so I went over and apologised on behalf of my friend. He bought me a drink and we started chatting. He told me he was in Sydney on business and didn’t know anyone, but just wanted to chill out and have a drink in town. We talked for a while about travelling, university, and how unnecessarily rude my friend was for assuming he was trying to hit on a bunch of chicks who were clearly young enough to be his children. I mean, come on, he just wanted someone to talk to! He just wanted to hang out! No funny business or anything. And what is wrong with society these days that you can’t just go up to people and say hello without them jumping to conclusions and assuming you’re trying to fuck them? The world has truly gone down the toilet.
After a while, I noticed my friends were getting ready to leave, so I stood up and held out my hand.
Me: Have a good night.
Old man: So, can I have your number?
Old man: I find you very attractive and I’d like to take you out to dinner.
Me: We just had a ten minute conversation about how old you are and how it would be criminal of you to date anyone my age.
Old man: Mmm I know.
Me: If you really want to, you can add me on Facebook.
Old man: What’s that?
He gave me his business card and I kept it for a while, because he looked so much like Drew Carey.
That pretty much sums up my dating history anyway.