Literal Man decided to finally talk to the hot girl at the coffee shop, even though she was sitting with a group of friends, whispering conspiratorially.
“Hey baby,” he said in a low voice. “Wanna go out sometime?”
“I’d rather die,” she replied.
Her girlfriends laughed wildly and he joined in, lightly slapping his hand against the table.
“Seriously, fuck off,” she said.
He went out to the carpark and rummaged around the boot of his car.
What a strange girl, he thought, smashing a cricket bat into her head as she exited the coffee shop.
By the time the police arrived, her face was bashed in completely on one side.