Ryan: Men just love to break stuff, so we get destructive when we’re drunk.
Me: And that is why women will inherit the earth.
Ryan: If that was actually going to happen, I think you bitches would have done it by now.
Ryan: I don’t understand why religious people are so happy all the time. Although, I guess I’d be pretty stoked if I thought that when I die, I’ll get to live in the clouds with Natalie Portman on a neverending coke binge. Being religious is like lining up for a really awesome rollercoaster. Like, you could be in that line for fucking days, but you don’t really care because you’re so excited and you know it’s going to be amazing.
Ryan: The problem with Bear Grylls is he’s too unrealistic. He’s like, “So if you find yourself parachuting in the Maldives and you’re being attacked by a bird, this is the knot you need to tie in a rope to kill it. And don’t forget to eat its eyeballs after it dies, Pelican cornea is packed full of vomit-inducing protein.” That would never happen. But if he was like, “This is how you change a tire if your car breaks down on the Habour Bridge during peak hour,” that would actually be helpful. People would watch that.
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