1. The one where my mother tries to prove her knowledge of contemporary music to my brother…
Mum: Is that Metallica?
Mum: Is it Korn?
Mum: Who is it?
Chris: It’s Jesus Christ and the Shut-the-Fuck-Ups. Do you mind? We’re trying to watch a movie here.
2. The one in the car…
Dad: Can you please stop clicking your pen?
Mum: What, so you couldn’t hear that annoying woman who kept announcing the keno numbers at the restaurant but you can hear my pen clicking? What is this, some gender-based selective hearing where you can’t hear annoying women?
Dad: Well I can hear one now.
3. The one where I think my grandfather’s girlfriend was trying to ask me whether I have a fuck buddy…
Edith: So, have you got a fella?
Edith: Do you have a special friend though?
Edith: Do you have a…you know…a special guy friend?
Me: Um, I have male friends?
4. The one where my grandfather’s girlfriend insults the modeling industry in general…
Edith: Have you tried any modeling yet?
Edith: Why not?
Me: Well for one, I weigh more than a hundred pounds.
Edith: Yes but you’ve got nice hair.
Me: I dont think that’s going to cut it on the runway.
Edith: Yeah well some of those girls really shouldn’t be up there anyway. They look like dogs.