- my friends will want to go to the Tav tonight and I will flatly refuse, as since I have moved to the city, I have grown out of getting shitfaced at dirty bars in the Hills.
CORRECT – in honour of the Tav’s famous night club re-opening, my school friends were extremely keen to pay $15 for the pleasure of reliving our youth by chugging breezers, dancing on a podium and getting fingered in the carpark.
- a few hours later, I will be standing on a table in the beer garden at the Tav doing shots of sambuca.
INCORRECT – I went to my parents’ house, watched an episode of Studio 60 and then went to bed. I am so boring.
- I will yell at a taxi driver and pass out in the study at my parents’ house.
INCORRECT – I was able to sleep in my old room, as the lesbian couple who has been staying there was away for Christmas.
- Mum will knock on the door at 8am tomorrow morning and ask me if I want to go to church. I will pretend not to hear her.
INCORRECT – the woman is learning.
- My brother and I will wake up 5 minutes before my parents come home from church and pretend we have been up for hours.
INCORRECT – I got up early and went for a run, then made avocado on toast and read a weight loss magazine. Oh the shame of it.
- My mother will give me a Bryce Courtenay book, which I will never read, and I will give her a scarf, which she will never wear.
CLOSE – I got a novel by Philippa Gregory (an author I liked around 2001) and a Jamie Oliver cookbook, which I will never open because I am in no way gifted when it comes to food preparation.
- My brother and I will hand each other cards containing $50. Sometimes, we just pull out our wallets and exchange notes.
INCORRECT – we have developed a new arrangement where we request very specific gifts and nobody is disappointed. I am hoping to work my mother into this system for 2011.
- My mother will drink a glass of champagne while she’s preparing a dip plate, then have a hot flush and retire to the lounge while my father finishes all other food preparation for the day.
- Our Christmas lunch guests will be church families and awkward singles, because my mother believes that the days surrounding Christmas are for catching up with relatives and in-laws, but Christmas Day itself should be spent with her spiritual family.
CORRECT – this year’s line up included some people who were our neighbours during the 80s and an elderly woman with severe dementia who stared at a blank television screen for most of the afternoon.
- My brother and I, faced with the prospect of a long lunch with our estranged childhood Sunday School friends, will begin putting away beers as though our lives depend on it.
CORRECT – I don’t remember much after 5pm.
- Lunch will include a lot of seafood, which I will remind my parents I do not eat. (“Oh how nice of you to provide for everyone. Thank you so much.”)
CORRECT – but my mother also made a ham, which was the cause of many arguments but tasted delicious.
- I will start a fight with someone about Christianity, get shut down by my mother, sulk for the rest of the meal and then leave the table as soon as is vaguely socially acceptable.
INCORRECT – however I did make several racist jokes which were met with awkward silence and a lot of throat-clearing.
- I will sit for half an hour with my cat and then fall asleep on the couch.
INCORRECT – I partied all day and drank cocktails in the pool. Obviously the cat decided to spend Christmas Day hanging out with all her loved ones (ie. herself.)
- I will wake up after all our guests have left and my dad will make up a fruit platter just for me. We will sit in front of the fan and watch a documentary about Hitler.
INCORRECT – after a drunken stumble to a BP station to purchase microwave popcorn, my brother’s girlfriend and I watched Ricky Gervais’ Science and then I passed out around 10pm.