Every year, my old highschool awards a member of the alumni for being successful or a virgin or whatever. I thought I should nominate myself and some of my highschool friends for the award this year, since nobody else will.
Veronica Gillot graduated law in 2009 with first class honours. Although she had done sporadic volunteer work throughout university, she felt that the best use of her abilities would be in the corporate world. She now works for a large firm in London, representing international airlines when passengers try and sue because they have been injured or killed on flights. “It’s a tough job, for sure,” she admits. “Bereaved families can put up a hell of a fight in the courtroom, especially if they’ve inherited enough to hire themselves a dynamite lawyer.”
She deserves the Alumni of the Year Award because of her benevolent attitude towards the needs of others. “Oh I can’t wait to earn enough money to give some of it to charity,” she has been heard to say as she rummages through her Chanel bag to find her credit card. Last Christmas, Veronica purchased 2 chickens to send to African families and a new car for herself.
Annik Skelton is vaguely known in the advertising world. While she lives comfortably, Annik really does the job for the benefit it has on society. “Without me, people would never be able to figure out what kind of toilet paper or bread to buy,” she says. “I’m really more of a life coach than a copywriter.”
Annik has recently enrolled in a degree, which she plans to finish in 2020. Her return to study is also motivated by bettering the world in which she lives. “There are so many fucking morons out there walking around with degrees. The fact that I don’t have one would really confuse people and the community has a right to know who is legitimately intelligent.”
She also recently convinced her parents to kick their niece out of their home and onto the street, stating, “People deserve to be given an opportunity to make it on their own.” She maintains a successful blog in which she makes fun of her family members and other people (“because it entertains others, and that’s what really matters”.)
Michelle Baldwin works as a property analyst, valuing retirement villages to allow investors to ascertain how much they should invest in order to recoup the maximum benefit when the retirees die. She has recently ceased dating one of Australia’s top investment bankers and is now seeing a man belonging to the English aristocracy. She’s a strong believer in environmental sustainability and minimises her water usage by showering with her boyfriend’s corgis.
Michelle benefits the world in which she lives by contributing through her work. “Seriously,” she says, “I could retire tomorrow and live comfortably in my boyfriend’s mansion for the rest of my life, but I don’t because I want to contribute, you know?”
When asked how her particular career benefits society, Michelle can provide an extensive list of compelling reasons: “I believe in equality. I think that everyone deserves the opportunity to make money, even large property conglomerates.”