Mark Smith

Mark works in the emergency department of a suburban hospital, where he spends his days removing inanimate objects from the orifices of the public. Mark is well aware of the positive impact his work has on society. “If it wasn’t for me, things would go in and not come out, if you know what I mean…”

When he is not at work, Mark spends his time trying to accumulate muscle mass in order to make himself appear more attractive to those around him. “It benefits society because firstly, people get to look at someone who looks nice, and secondly, the ladies get to touch someone who feels nice.”

Kimberley Boulton

Kimberley left school in Grade Ten but that does not stop her from being a strong contender for the Alumni of the Year Award.  Upon leaving school, Kim immediately set about improving the world she lives in by nurturing children whose parents are too busy to take care of them.

Her job is important to her and she wouldn’t miss it for anything. This attitude extends to overcoming hurdles that would intimidate ordinary people. “Sometimes I have a massive weekend,” she says, “and I haven’t slept since like Thursday. Sure, I might be over the blood alcohol limit to drive to work, but you know what? I just put on my runners and walk there.”

Kim dreams of helping the less fortunate all around the world. “I often wonder about the kids of all those people skiing in Whistler or lazing on the beach in Hawaii,” she sighs. “I should go over there and start really making a difference.”

During a recent school night session with some old co-workers, the conversation turned to growing up and childhood pastimes.

Claire: So I named my budgies Popcorn and Peanuts, and when they died, I buried them in my fairy garden.

Me: What the hell is a fairy garden?

Claire: You didn’t have a fairy garden?

Me: No?

Julia: I guess your parents just didn’t love you enough.

Claire: If it makes you feel any better, my parents eventually turned my fairy garden into a Japanese stone garden.

Me: No, that doesn’t make me feel better. I hate all your North Shore problems. I played with empty cardboard boxes and tupperware containers as a child. I didn’t even know what a Barbie was until I started school. I had a sandpit full of dirt and everything I owned was a hand-me-down of some kind from my brother.

Julia: Is that why you dress badly?

Me: Fuck you.

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Too many of my conversations like this. I still want that fairy garden though.

According to the internet, this is what I missed out on.

Ugh so pretty

Even worse

This is bullshit

Now they are just taking the piss

Ugh. My parents were soooo mean. My mother had me convinced that raw cookie dough tasted like medicine until I was old enough to wonder why she was eating it all herself if it was so gross.

Did you have a fairy garden? Or were your parents bad people too? What is the phone number for DOCS?