On meeting the lead singer of the Sea Bellies
Ryan: So do you still think your band is going to “make it”?
To his new boss, first day on the job
Ryan: Is that a Rubik’s cube you’ve got there?
New boss: Yeah, I used to be able to finish these things so quickly.
Ryan: Wow, I bet it used to just rain pussy when you did that.
New boss: I’m gay.
To his new flatmate
FM: Did I tell you about the dream I had last night?
Ryan: Hearing about someone else’s dream is the same as hearing about someone else’s children. Absolutely nobody cares.