When is Annik Skelton going to realise that it’s Mike putting silly things in google and making it look like it’s Dave?

Dave? Is that you?

What did Annik Skelton get for xmas?

Mainly hangovers.

Why do cabbies hate credit cards?

Cabbies hate everything.

Why men skinny dip?

INDEED.

Are you obliged to pay if you vomit in a cab?

Not if you give the driver a handjob afterwards. I’ve heard.

Can I get Annik Skelton with chips thanks?

Only because you asked so politely.

Can you drink beer while having teeth braces on?

I got my braces off when I was fourteen, so I had only been drinking beer for 3 years at that stage but my teeth look great now!

Can you give phenergan to a cat?

If you do, please film it and send me the video.

Does having wisdom teeth removed hurt?

No, it’s lovely.

How much do contiki site reps get paid?

That depends how much you value anonymous underage sex.

How do I start a funeral home?

First you’ll need some dead bodies. I recommend poison – it’s a most elegant mode of dispatch.

Is Augusten Burroughs uncircumcised?

As much as I obsess over Augusten Burroughs, my research does not extend that far.

Is it a good idea to watch The Exorcist alone?

Of course!

Is fucking healthy?

Yes.

Masturbate in my backyard?

Okay!

What is pedafilia?

Pedafilia was invented in 1965 by the Dutch as a means to curtail rapidly rising interest rates.

When is “I love my dentist week”?

I’m not familiar with this celebration.

Why are stay-at-home mums so condescending of me working?

The same reason Augusten Burroughs has never commented on my blog or returned any of my letters or phone calls. JEALOUSY.

Will I have sex on Contiki?

Yes.

Would you consider moving to melbourne and being my house slave?

Probably not.

What’s the point of asking you anything?

The fact that you asked me this question caused the laws of logic to implode and shower tiny flakes of Lame into your gay fish tank.

Do you prefer guys who are circumcised or uncircumcised, and why?

Oh I’m not really into astrology!

Do you really dislike your mother as much as it seems?

No, I love my mother. You stay away from her.

What scares you (apart from giant cockroaches)?

Gang rape, ice junkies, childbirth, bagpipes and facial scars.

Why are people cunts?

I can scientifically explain why men are cunts, but not women. I think you just need to accept that generally speaking, the average person is pretty shit.

Annik Skelton a friend to the poor?

I never give change to homeless people, but I used to randomly give bums $10 or $20 notes just to see what their reaction would be. Then I got a job writing.

Can pregnant women take the front seat on the bus?

Lord, no! Pregnant men, however, are entitled to drive the bus, if they wish to do so.

Did your medication for getting your wisdom teeth out fuck you up?

Oh yes. I’d do it all again, if my medical insurance would cover that sort of thing.

Do uni girls fuck a lot?

It depends what your degree is. In accounting, not so much. But generally, uni isn’t the best place to pick-up unless you want to put in a lot of effort. Most girls pretend to have standards, then they go on a Contiki tour and have sex with eight different people every half hour.

Do you skinny dip in your pool?

The Hills have eyes, and nosy neighbours, so no.

How did your brother torture you?

In various ways. By pinning me to the floor and farting in my face, or making up songs about how ugly I was and singing them during long car trips, or punching me in the face, or locking me in the garage, or putting cat poo in my food. Kids!

How do you make a magazine?

First you’ll need eight litres of engine oil and a babushka doll. Sift the flour, turn left, push the lid down as you open the bottle, and add more reverb. That’s very important. Then you press DISPLAY at the same time as CLOCK and hold it down, add a slice of fresh lime, and tie a knot in the whole thing. Serve chilled.

How bad is Hillsbus?

Allow me to answer a question with a question here – how bad is Lucifer’s anus?

How long does it take from the hills to the city by bus?

Thirty to forty minutes without traffic, two hours with traffic.

Tell me the name of a powerful pill that makes girls too excited for fucking?

Money.

Where do I catch the Hillsbus?

Catching the Hillsbus is quite simple. Just stand at the base of any incline in Sydney’s outer suburbs, raise a conch to your lips, and then plunge it into your chest.

Why does my hair come out in clumps?

It sounds like a wiring problem. Have you tried turning the hair off at its power source and rebooting? Oh you forgot your password! How silly. I’ll reset that for you.

Is Annik Skelton a scam?

Completely and entirely. I’ve been trying to figure out how to make money off you chumps for thirty years now!

Why would you invite Tim Allen over for Christmas?

Presumably for dinner. I imagine he’d be quite tasty once roasted.

How do you stop?

Why start! I like to hold back in the effort department, as it only leads to more work later on.

Wine racks. What’s the point?

Nobody really knows. Personally, I have never owned enough unopened bottles of wine at the same time to necessitate a wine rack. What am I going to do with a wine rack!

It’s time to Ask Elton stuff, like we did before.

Do it here if you want to remain anonymous, or email askelton@annikskelton.com if you’re willing to reveal yourself (only to me though, I won’t post your details unless you piss me off.)

All questions will be answered, unless they are boring or relate to my sex life.

Love,

Elton

does drinking gin keep mosquitoes away?

I’m not sure, but I’m fairly certain Sam will be able to tell you.

is he slowly breaking up with me?

Probably, if you are the kind of person who performs google searches rather than simply speaking to your more-intelligent half about any problems you might be experiencing in your relationship.

what happens to brain during accident?

During an accident, your brain expands significantly before melting and draining through your nostrils in a tragic, pungent mess, not dissimilar to a Jessica Mauboy song.

what happens when you break your two front adult teeth?

Again, I will defer this question to Sam.

example of anecdote?

Here is a recent example of an anecdote, courtesy of my mother:

“Your father and I had tickets to the theatre last weekend, and we had four extra ones, so I invited two ladies from church and then your aunt and uncle. What we didn’t know was that your aunt had also invited a friend! So we all arrived and we were short one ticket, which was very awkward because I couldn’t ask the church ladies to leave, but I couldn’t leave them either, and I couldn’t uninvite your aunt or uncle, and they couldn’t tell their friend to go home, so in the end Uncle Ben did the honourable thing and said, “You guys go and enjoy yourselves, I need an early night anyway” and he went home, which wasn’t really too inconvenient because they live quite close to the theatre anyway. So it all worked out in the– are you wearing headphones? Annik??”

if annik skelton isn’t a lesbian what is she?

I’m a Gemini.

is annik skelton the seafolly girl?

No, but I want to be inside her.

what happened to my ex narcissist boyfiend?

Presumably he ceased his self-absorbed ways, JUDGING BY YOUR SHITTY GRAMMAR.

after getting wisdom teeth pulled when does swelling go down?

Never. It is permanent. You consented to this when you signed the paperwork from your surgeon.

annik skelton might be satan – how can i tell?

The only way to truly determine my non-satanic status is to take me somewhere nice for dinner and buy me expensive cocktails. Unless you’re ugly, in which case you should just stay where you are.

can wisdom teeth be removed at the hospital?

No, unfortunately they cannot. Wisdom teeth removal is a self-surgery that must be performed at home, without anesthetic, using only a rubber glove and a pair of rusty barbeque tongs.

does lady annik skelton have a dick like lady gaga?

No.

how the fuck do i find weight watchers points?

You need to relax your anal cavity and purhase the points book. Or just stick your fingers down your throat and vomit until you are better looking and happier.

how to shrink my gums after having wisdom teeth removed?

This question disturbs me. I am not going to answer this.

is the fucking healthy?

Of course! Sex is a very important part of your professional and familial development.

what is apartheid?

Looks like today is your lucky day! I recently published an article on this very subject, after years of research. This piece should clear up any confusion you may have regarding apartheid.

what shall i do with my fucked up brother?

Either help him, sell him on eBay, or take him up the F3 and leave him on a beach somewhere the way I did with our dog when he wouldn’t stop urinating in the linen cupboard

what should i look out for after having wisdom teeth out?

Mormons, sniffer-dogs, Jessica Mauboy, organic food products and scabies.

what your dad’s death should mean to you?

Hopefully a hefty inheritance! It may also include a “Black” themed party and some extra room around the dinner table.

why does my cat scratch at the door?

My god, this one is tough! I’m no animalogist, but if I had to put my money anywhere, I’d hazard a guess and say your cat wants to be let inside. If that doesn’t work, try peeling it and see if it continues to scratch at the door after that.

Below is a list of questions that have appeared in my search terms. Obviously these people need answers, and fast. Luckily, I am here to help, and I have thoroughly researched every issue dealt with below.

If you have a question you’d like to ask Elton, you can leave it as a comment or email it to askelton [at] annikskelton.com

Q. what happens on contiki
Q. what ahppens on contiki
Q. what happens on a contiki tour
Q. what happens on contiki tours

A. Drinking, sexual intercourse with strangers, some sight-seeing, usually a few muggings/assaults/thefts, loads of fun, but mostly just drinking. You will break your liver.

Q. breast implants and need my wisdom teeth out?

A. I’m not really sure I understand the question, but I don’t think having fake boobs will interfere with any dental surgery you may require.

Q. can i get panadeine forte for wisdom teeth

A. You sure as shit can. You probably won’t need your full prescription though, so you should send the leftovers my way once you’ve healed.

Q. can i have sex on contiki tour

A. Yes, you can, and you will. Probably more than once.

Q. can i wear makeup for my wisdom teeth removal?

A. I don’t see why not. However, when you wake up smacked-out after your general, with no idea where the fuck you are and a mouth full of bloody gauze, I don’t think a little eyeliner is going to be enough to make you look remotely attractive.

Q. contiki boring?

A. Only if you don’t like drinking.

Q. contiki for idiots?

A. Definitely.

Q. do you have to wear a medical gown to get your wisdom teeth removed?

A. Yes, you do. You’re allowed to wear underpants underneath though.

Q. does annik skelton like a tongue deep in her ass?

A. To be honest, this is something I have yet to experience in life, but I will keep you guys posted.

Q. getting my wisdom teeth pulled what’s the cocktail?

A. I’m no anesthesiologist so I can’t tell you the specific ingredients, but it tastes sweet and will fuck you sideways.

Q. how much will it cost to have my wisdom teeth removed?

A. I have no idea, because I’m a middle class white girl and my parents paid for my surgery. But I think it will set you back a few grand, unless you’re covered by private health insurance.

Q. how worried should i be about getting my wisdom teeth pulled

A. Not very. Unless you have some sort of eating competition planned for the day after.

Q. marry me, annik skelton?

A. No.

Q. my brother just fucked up his life what do i tell him

A. Once when I was having a bad day, a homeless person told me, “Hey, at least nobody dead.” If somebody is indeed dead, at least your brother can take comfort in the fact that it isn’t him.

Q. what do i have to do before getting my wisdom teeth out

A. Nothing. It’s an operation, not a job interview.

Q. what if pedafilia

A. This one is beyond me.

Q. what to do if i bang my teeth

A. If you want to be polite, at least buy them breakfast.

Q. what will my face look like after i have my wisdom teeth out

A. If you get put under, your face will swell up like a beach ball and you will look hideous. If they do it under a local, you will probably look pretty much the same but with gaping holes in your jaw.

Q. when do you pull out the wisdom tooth

A. I recommend you leave that to somebody professionally qualified to remove parts of your body, rather than doing it yourself.

Q. where is my wisdom teth

A. Usually located within the mouth, secured inside the gums.

Q. why can’t i fuck jennifer chapman?

A. One word: rohypnol.

Q. will annik skelton swallow my man juice

A. No.