On a street in Ho Chi Minh City…
Me: Is there a bin around here?
Ryan: I think you’re standing in it.
After having my bag slashed in Hanoi…
Me: I’m just glad they didn’t steal my wallet out of my handbag.
Ryan: I’d be impressed if they could find it, there is that much shit in there.
Just after checking in to a fancy resort in Nha Trang…
Me: Do you want to have a beer in the bath?
Ryan: Why do you think I’m running the water?
On the overnight train to Sapa…
Ryan: Chinese people really know how to fuck up a bathroom.
On meeting the lead singer of the Sea Bellies
Ryan: So do you still think your band is going to “make it”?
To his new boss, first day on the job
Ryan: Is that a Rubik’s cube you’ve got there?
New boss: Yeah, I used to be able to finish these things so quickly.
Ryan: Wow, I bet it used to just rain pussy when you did that.
New boss: I’m gay.
To his new flatmate
FM: Did I tell you about the dream I had last night?
Ryan: Hearing about someone else’s dream is the same as hearing about someone else’s children. Absolutely nobody cares.
Pilates teacher: You have what we call a “floppy” body.
Yogi: Your hips are really…open.
Personal trainer: You don’t have a lot of fat on you – it just all happens to be on your arms.
At the terracotta warriors exhibition…
Mum: They say that every warrior was crafted to look like an actual living soldier at the time. Each statue is unique.
Mum: Well, who knows.. They’re Chinese so they all look the same anyway.
After a trip to Guatemala…
Mum: The toilets over there were awful. The only decent one I found was a disabled cubicle at a restaurant. It had better toilet paper.
Me: That’s weird.
Mum: I know, why bother? It’s not like they can feel the difference.
Upon hearing the news that my cousin and her girlfriend were engaged…
Mum: To do what?
“Third time lucky, then?”
- my mother
“Honestly, nobody even cares anymore.”
- my friend Keira
- supportive boyfriend
I have learnt that there are certain television shows that cause Ryan to scoot forward on the lounge and moan periodically as though in physical pain. These include, but are not limited to: The Circle, The 7pm Project, anything with Charlie Pickering, and Q&A.
Below is a series of excerpts from his commentary on the Gen Y Q&A episode this week.
Me: It’s Josh Thomas!
Ryan: Annik, anyone who claims to have acquired a full blown Irish accent on a two week holiday is not worthy of your respect or your attention.
Ryan: Oh great, Fuzzy is representing Gen Y. A veejay with an IQ of 14.
Me: The caption says she is music journalist.
Ryan: Really? I’d love to see her fucking “journalism” degree.
Ryan: This is pointless, they’re not actually answering anyone’s questions. The chick in the beanie is just bringing everything back to refugees, and Josh Thomas is bringing everything back to being a giant fag.
Ryan: I think there should just be a rule that comedians are never asked to be on Q&A. Especially when they admit on-air that they have only been reading about refugees for one week. The only intelligent person on this entire panel is the fucking Liberal. Oh my god. I’m so angry.
For more burning insights, you can follow Ryan on Twitter.
During a recent school night session with some old co-workers, the conversation turned to growing up and childhood pastimes.
Claire: So I named my budgies Popcorn and Peanuts, and when they died, I buried them in my fairy garden.
Me: What the hell is a fairy garden?
Claire: You didn’t have a fairy garden?
Julia: I guess your parents just didn’t love you enough.
Claire: If it makes you feel any better, my parents eventually turned my fairy garden into a Japanese stone garden.
Me: No, that doesn’t make me feel better. I hate all your North Shore problems. I played with empty cardboard boxes and tupperware containers as a child. I didn’t even know what a Barbie was until I started school. I had a sandpit full of dirt and everything I owned was a hand-me-down of some kind from my brother.
Julia: Is that why you dress badly?
Me: Fuck you.
Too many of my conversations like this. I still want that fairy garden though.
According to the internet, this is what I missed out on.
Ugh. My parents were soooo mean. My mother had me convinced that raw cookie dough tasted like medicine until I was old enough to wonder why she was eating it all herself if it was so gross.
Did you have a fairy garden? Or were your parents bad people too? What is the phone number for DOCS?
Me: I think that guy is checking me out.
Mitch: It’s possible.
Me: Well I still have all my teeth.
Mitch: Don’t turn around. Jennifer Hawkins just walked in.
Elle: Oh my god.
Mitch: She’s so sexy.
Me: She’s not that sexy. Me and Elle are just as sexy as she is.
Mitch: What are you putting on your hand?
Me: It’s hydrocortisone cream. For my eczema.
Elle: Have you tried cracking open Vitamin E caps? That’s what I do when I get that rash on my thighs.
Me: I just saw a black person on your street!
Mitch: I guess we’ll have to move then…
Mitch: Fuck, I could never live in Sydney.
Me: Fuck, I could never live in Newcastle.
Me: I got an angry message from this girl on Facebook and she was literally too stupid for me to respond to. Are people really that dumb, on average?
Ryan: Well, Two and a Half Men is the most popular sitcom on television.
Me: Is this joke too racist for me to tweet?
Ryan: In no way am I the best person to ever ask that question.
Ryan: Oh you have a Nickelback album in your iTunes. Do you want me to delete it for you?
Ryan: I don’t like it when girls are too tall. If I have to look up to a girl when I’m talking to her, it doesn’t feel right. I know it sounds misogynistic to say this, but I just don’t think I should ever have to look up to a woman.
For more offensive statements, follow Ryan on Twitter.
JC: Shit, I’m coming last. This must be what it feels like to be Ryan.
Ryan: Fuck you.
Me: Why do boys get so angry over a game?
Ryan: FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING FAT FUCK.
Me: Who, me?
Ryan: No, the penguin.
Me: I won!
Ryan: Fuck you.
Me: Maybe you’re just not a very good driver.
Ryan: I’m going to ignore that comment, because it came from a woman.
JC: Don’t worry, Ryan. At least you came third the most number of times?
Me: Yeah, out of three people.
Ryan: I’m going to go outside, kill a turtle, remove its shell and beat you both to death with it.