Kristen: I see Foursquare as a game. I like to score points and earn badges and stuff, so I always check in exactly where I am. I like to play fair to win fair.

Me: I like to check in to random private residences and then write creepy tips, like, “Thanks so much for tonight, it was really special…” to freak people out.

Julia: Fuck you guys. Let’s do shots.

Ryan: You’re funny. And not just for a girl, but for a person too.
Me: I am a person.
Ryan: Yeah, with a humour-killing uterus.

Me: Come to yoga with me.
Ryan: Will there be chicks there?
Me: Probably.
Ryan: I can’t sit there grunting and sweating while wearing skin-tight lycra pants in front of a bunch of chicks.
Me: You don’t have to wear lycra.
Ryan: Fuck, Annik, if I’m going to do yoga, I’m going to do it properly.

Ryan: John and I came up with the best pick-up line. You go up to a girl and say, “Hey, do you want my number?” Before she has time to answer, you say, “Of course you do.” Then you hand her your number and say, “Why don’t you give me a call later, when you’re not acting like such a bitch.”

Ryan: We should download a bunch of female stand-up comedy and then turn it into a drinking game. Every time they make a period joke, we chug.

Ryan: Women always cry. It’s the only way they know how to deal with pressure.
Me: That’s not true. I binge drink.
Ryan: That’s bloggable.

Ryan: I really don’t understand why marijuana isn’t legal. Have you ever heard a stoner go, “Man, I’m so baked, let’s go out for a cheeky rape”? Or, “I know, let’s go bash someone to death”? No. They just eat pizza and watch Tim and Eric.

Ryan: Why are you dressed in Matt’s clothes?
Me: Because I wanted to feel closer to him.
Ryan: Are you wearing his retainer?

Me: I find the guy on the drink-driving ad really attractive.
Ryan: Of course you do. That’s your weakness. You accept any flaw in someone if they’re beautiful.
Me: No, I don’t.
Ryan: It’s fine, everybody does it. If Natalie Portman asked me to marry her, and she said, “By the way, I’m a meth addict and I have AIDS, is that cool?” I’d be like, “Totally okay. Let’s do this.”
Me: Really?
Ryan: Of course. If she said, “I also poo out my mouth and I never brush my teeth,” I’d be like, “That’s fine, babe. We’ll work it out.”

Me: I don’t know what to do about this weird chick.
Ryan: Skelty, this is all I’m going to say: once, a guy threw a lemon tree in my bed while I was asleep in it, and I never saw him again. Know what I mean?

Ryan: When I was a kid, I dated the hottest girl in school. It was right before she got anorexia, when a girl reaches her absolute peak of hotness. Like when she’s still eating, but right before she gives up celery.

Me: I saw an infographic on semen today. Did you know there are 20 calories in a load?
Ryan: That would explain why that girl I hooked up with on the weekend was so fat.
Me: And did you know that sperm can live inside a woman for 5 days, or on a toilet seat for 3 hours?
Ryan: What about on a girl’s face?

Matt: My roomie is on her way with a friend.
Ryan: Is her friend hot?
Matt: Kind of.
Ryan: Dude, I can’t talk to a hot girl right now. I’m about to eat pudding.

This was illustrated by the talented and sometimes awkward Mitch Hawkins

“Annik, I’m telling you, this is like the Matrix. You’re like Neo, because you’re like the chosen one, but you don’t know it yet. Matt’s Trinity, because he’s a girl. Dan’s like Morpheus because he found you, and I’m like the Oracle because only I know what you really are. Hey, pass the joint.”

“Funny chicks are rare. They’re like an endangered species. In fact, they’re like a new species. You should be in a fucking museum. And I should be famous, because I discovered you. Shit. This is so unfair.”

Ryan: “Hey, Trent, this is my friend Skelty. She’s the funny chick I told you about. Go on Skelty, say something funny!”
Me: “Um.. I’m not really sure… Ahh..”
Trent: *cough*
Ryan: “She’s usually much better than this. I’m sorry. Let’s just leave.”

Me: “I’m going to see Janeane Garofalo tonight.”
Ryan: “Wow. Enjoy two hours of vagina jokes.”

Me: One of my friends bought an egg.
Matt: What’s that?
Me: It’s like a vibrator, but you can put the whole thing inside you.
Matt: Like a sexy tampon?
Me: No.

Matt: *laughs*
Me: Did you just remember one of my jokes?
Matt: *dirty look*

Matt: Do you want a lift to work in the morning?
Me: No thanks. My only exercise these days is walking to work. And fucking.
Matt: Wow.

Matt: I like a girl with a bit of meat on her bones.
Me: Think very hard about what you say next.
Matt: I mean, I like you.
Me: Just stop talking.
Matt: But I was being nice?
Me: Shut up.

Me: Be careful with that guitar. It’s worth more than you…
Matt: *dirty look*
Me: …to me.

Ryan: Nice boots, Skelty. Are you going to a rodeo later?
Me: Shut up.
Ryan: I’m sorry. Seriously, you look really nice tonight….from the ankles up, anyway.

Ryan: You haven’t blogged about me lately.
Me: You need to say more funny things first.
Ryan: Have you not been listening?

Me: Will it be weird if it’s just the two of us at dinner?
Ryan: Nah, that’s cool. You’ll get to experience what it’s like to go on a date with me, except I won’t try and finger you behind the restaurant after we’ve eaten.

Ryan: How was your day?
Me: Eh… I was a bit depressed this morning.
Ryan: Was it because you knew you were going to wear that outfit tonight?

Rosh is my housemate’s friend’s housemate. He likes to pump.

The second time I met him…
Rosh: Hey, babe. *moves in to kiss*
Me: What are you doing?
Rosh: I thought you wanted to make out?
Me: Do you even remember my name?
Rosh: No…
Me: It’s Annik.
Rosh: Well that’s just stupid.

One night at the pub…
Rosh: Do you want to make out later tonight?
Me: No.
Rosh: Okay, just checking.

Optimistic Rosh
Me: What was the best night of your life?
Rosh: I dunno. It could be tonight!

Another night at the pub…
Rosh: Hey, how are you?
Me: Good, yeah.
Rosh: *moves in to kiss*
Me: Wtf are you doing?
Rosh: Shit, sorry, I thought that was a green light.

As we are getting ready to go out, approx 7pm on a Sunday night…
Ryan: Why are you bringing sunnies, man?
Rosh: Just in case I end up in a day club.

Romantic Rosh
Me: How exactly does your brain work?
Rosh: I don’t know. I just fuck chicks.

As we are walking to the Columbian…
Rosh: If any gay guys hit on me tonight, you have to make out with me.
Me: No, I don’t.
Rosh: Okay, just checking.

When I sent him this blog post for proof-reading…
Rosh: Does this mean you have a crush on me?
Me: No.
Rosh: Okay, just checking.