“People think that online dating is only for losers. Well, we’re going to change all that.”

“So what do you want me to do?”

“Just plait your hair, put an oversized men’s shirt and toast the computer with a glass of red. We’ll photoshop in your imaginary boyfriend’s hand later.”

“Okay!”

“Is my hair okay?”

“Perfect!”

“So what do you want me to do?”

“Just sit on the ball… just like that, yep.”

“Should I smile?”

“Sure.”

“Anything else?”

“Put your hands behind you… that’s it.”

“Yeah?”

“Now look at me. And just, like, spread your legs really wide. Just get the ball right up in there.”

UPDATE: Room no longer available (doh!)

This week in Sydney, Maru-evangelist Annik Skelton and edamame critic Hugh Munro went on the hunt for a super cool new flatty. Reports confirm that the room available is a mid-sized south-facing carpeted bedroom with a two-door mirrored built-in wardrobe and a desk/shelf thingy. It currently houses a queen bed, bedside table and coffee table comfortably.

The house is fully-furnished with 1 bathroom, lock-up garage, laundry facilities, 46″ plasma tv, wifi, Nintendo64 (with Mario Kart and Golden Eye), rear courtyard, Juliet balcony and original artwork. The carpet is that lovely colour that a lamb steak goes when you defrost it for slightly too long. The house is professionally cleaned by a local Asian family on a fortnightly basis.

Sources say the house is in a central location, walking distance from CBD, Central Station, Kings Cross, Surry Hills, Little Italy and the Yurong Street Half-way House for Men.

When asked to comment, Skelton described her ideal flatmate as “just a chill bro, really. I don’t give a shit as long as we don’t get a couple, a Scorpio, or anyone who’s a Coopers Red fan.” Munro said they were looking for “anyone who hasn’t auditioned for a reality TV show”. Which could really narrow things down in inner-city Sydney.

People close to Annik and Hugh have even claimed that ex-flatty Julian Cole’s bed is also available at no additional cost. By all reports it is very clean owing to Cole’s lady skills (or lack thereof).

The room will be available from 22nd June (TBC).

Successful applicants will be invited to an interview which will involve testing of your Mario Kart skills.

“We’re really excited about this new phase of the house,” Munro and Skelton added. “We hope we don’t get a shit cunt.”

Mark Smith

Mark works in the emergency department of a suburban hospital, where he spends his days removing inanimate objects from the orifices of the public. Mark is well aware of the positive impact his work has on society. “If it wasn’t for me, things would go in and not come out, if you know what I mean…”

When he is not at work, Mark spends his time trying to accumulate muscle mass in order to make himself appear more attractive to those around him. “It benefits society because firstly, people get to look at someone who looks nice, and secondly, the ladies get to touch someone who feels nice.”

Kimberley Boulton

Kimberley left school in Grade Ten but that does not stop her from being a strong contender for the Alumni of the Year Award.  Upon leaving school, Kim immediately set about improving the world she lives in by nurturing children whose parents are too busy to take care of them.

Her job is important to her and she wouldn’t miss it for anything. This attitude extends to overcoming hurdles that would intimidate ordinary people. “Sometimes I have a massive weekend,” she says, “and I haven’t slept since like Thursday. Sure, I might be over the blood alcohol limit to drive to work, but you know what? I just put on my runners and walk there.”

Kim dreams of helping the less fortunate all around the world. “I often wonder about the kids of all those people skiing in Whistler or lazing on the beach in Hawaii,” she sighs. “I should go over there and start really making a difference.”

—–Original Message—–
From:
Sent: Thursday, 17 March, 2011 8:35 AM
To: Annik Skelton
Subject: Full Moon Fire March 20 + Despacho

Hi all,

I’m back, a little jet lagged, but I wanted to get out a reminder that you are all welcome, once again, to the full moon fire, this month on the 20th March.

Come for the fire about 8pm, we will get going as soon as it is dark enough. We will first sage everyone and then light the fire, there will be no photography this time, everyone will be there to participate fully, and as such we will also have a full despacho ceremony beforehand. This is optional, and if you are unable to make it for the ceremony, you may let me know a prayer to put into a Kintu on your behalf.

I have just come home from the Munay-Ki, and would be delighted to gift anyone with a rite or two if they desire. Please let me know before hand, and we can arrange whether it will be before or after the despacho.

So, the festivities are: March 20th

6:30-7:30pm Despacho & individual cleansing with the folded Despacho
7:30- Break, Sandwiches will be provided, possibly receive a Munay-Ki rite
8:15 or so, light the fire.

I hope to see you all there! Please do invite your friends, and let me know numbers, so I may cater for everyone.

Much Munay

xo

Every year, my old highschool awards a member of the alumni for being successful or a virgin or whatever. I thought I should nominate myself and some of my highschool friends for the award this year, since nobody else will.

Veronica Gillot

Veronica Gillot graduated law in 2009 with first class honours. Although she had done sporadic volunteer work throughout university, she felt that the best use of her abilities would be in the corporate world.  She now works for a large firm in London, representing international airlines when passengers try and sue because they have been injured or killed on flights. “It’s a tough job, for sure,” she admits. “Bereaved families can put up a hell of a fight in the courtroom, especially if they’ve inherited enough to hire themselves a dynamite lawyer.”

She deserves the Alumni of the Year Award because of her benevolent attitude towards the needs of others. “Oh I can’t wait to earn enough money to give some of it to charity,” she has been heard to say as she rummages through her Chanel bag to find her credit card. Last Christmas, Veronica purchased 2 chickens to send to African families and a new car for herself.

Michelle Baldwin works as a property analyst, valuing retirement villages to allow investors to ascertain how much they should invest in order to recoup the maximum benefit when the retirees die. She has recently ceased dating one of Australia’s top investment bankers and is now seeing a man belonging to the English aristocracy. She’s a strong believer in environmental sustainability and minimises her water usage by showering with her boyfriend’s corgis.

Michelle benefits the world in which she lives by contributing through her work. “Seriously,” she says, “I could retire tomorrow and live comfortably in my boyfriend’s mansion for the rest of my life, but I don’t because I want to contribute, you know?”

When asked how her particular career benefits society, Michelle can provide an extensive list of compelling reasons: “I believe in equality. I think that everyone deserves the opportunity to make money, even large property conglomerates.”

• my friends will want to go to the Tav tonight and I will flatly refuse, as since I have moved to the city, I have grown out of getting shitfaced at dirty bars in the Hills.

CORRECT – in honour of the Tav’s famous night club re-opening, my school friends were extremely keen to pay $15 for the pleasure of reliving our youth by chugging breezers, dancing on a podium and getting fingered in the carpark.

• a few hours later, I will be standing on a table in the beer garden at the Tav doing shots of sambuca.

INCORRECT – I went to my parents’ house, watched an episode of Studio 60 and then went to bed. I am so boring.

• I will yell at a taxi driver and pass out in the study at my parents’ house.

INCORRECT – I was able to sleep in my old room, as the lesbian couple who has been staying there was away for Christmas.

• Mum will knock on the door at 8am tomorrow morning and ask me if I want to go to church. I will pretend not to hear her.

INCORRECT – the woman is learning.

• My brother and I will wake up 5 minutes before my parents come home from church and pretend we have been up for hours.

INCORRECT – I got up early and went for a run, then made avocado on toast and read a weight loss magazine. Oh the shame of it.

• My mother will give me a Bryce Courtenay book, which I will never read, and I will give her a scarf, which she will never wear.

CLOSE – I got a novel by Philippa Gregory (an author I liked around 2001) and a Jamie Oliver cookbook, which I will never open because I am in no way gifted when it comes to food preparation.

• My brother and I will hand each other cards containing $50. Sometimes, we just pull out our wallets and exchange notes.

INCORRECT – we have developed a new arrangement where we request very specific gifts and nobody is disappointed. I am hoping to work my mother into this system for 2011.

• My mother will drink a glass of champagne while she’s preparing a dip plate, then have a hot flush and retire to the lounge while my father finishes all other food preparation for the day.

CORRECT

• Our Christmas lunch guests will be church families and awkward singles, because my mother believes that the days surrounding Christmas are for catching up with relatives and in-laws, but Christmas Day itself should be spent with her spiritual family.

CORRECT – this year’s line up included some people who were our neighbours during the 80s and an elderly woman with severe dementia who stared at a blank television screen for most of the afternoon.

• My brother and I, faced with the prospect of a long lunch with our estranged childhood Sunday School friends, will begin putting away beers as though our lives depend on it.

CORRECT – I don’t remember much after 5pm.

• Lunch will include a lot of seafood, which I will remind my parents I do not eat. (“Oh how nice of you to provide for everyone. Thank you so much.”)

CORRECT – but my mother also made a ham, which was the cause of many arguments but tasted delicious.

• I will start a fight with someone about Christianity, get shut down by my mother, sulk for the rest of the meal and then leave the table as soon as is vaguely socially acceptable.

INCORRECT – however I did make several racist jokes which were met with awkward silence and a lot of throat-clearing.

• I will sit for half an hour with my cat and then fall asleep on the couch.

INCORRECT – I partied all day and drank cocktails in the pool. Obviously the cat decided to spend Christmas Day hanging out with all her loved ones (ie. herself.)

• I will wake up after all our guests have left and my dad will make up a fruit platter just for me. We will sit in front of the fan and watch a documentary about Hitler.

INCORRECT – after a drunken stumble to a BP station to purchase microwave popcorn, my brother’s girlfriend and I watched Ricky Gervais’ Science and then I passed out around 10pm.

• my friends will want to go to the Tav tonight and I will flatly refuse, as since I have moved to the city, I have grown out of getting shitfaced at dirty bars in the Hills.
• a few hours later, I will be standing on a table in the beer garden at the Tav doing shots of sambuca.
• I will yell at a taxi driver and pass out in the study at my parents’ house.
• Mum will knock on the door at 8am tomorrow morning and ask me if I want to go to church. I will pretend not to hear her.
• My brother and I will wake up 5 minutes before my parents come home from church and pretend we have been up for hours.
• My mother will give me a Bryce Courtenay book, which I will never read, and I will give her a scarf, which she will never wear.
• My brother and I will hand each other cards containing $50. Sometimes, we just pull out our wallets and exchange notes.
• My mother will drink a glass of champagne while she’s preparing a dip plate, then have a hot flush and retire to the lounge while my father finishes all other food preparation for the day.
• Our Christmas lunch guests will be church families and awkward singles, because my mother believes that the days surrounding Christmas are for catching up with relatives and in-laws, but Christmas Day itself should be spent with her spiritual family.
• My brother and I, faced with the prospect of a long lunch with our estranged childhood Sunday School friends, will begin putting away beers as though our lives depend on it.
• Lunch will include a lot of seafood, which I will remind my parents I do not eat. (“Oh how nice of you to provide for everyone. Thank you so much.”)
• I will start a fight with someone about Christianity, get shut down by my mother, sulk for the rest of the meal and then leave the table as soon as is vaguely socially acceptable.
• I will sit for half an hour with my cat and then fall asleep on the couch.
• I will wake up after all our guests have left and my dad will make up a fruit platter just for me. We will sit in front of the fan and watch a documentary about Hitler.

Literal Man decided to finally talk to the hot girl at the coffee shop, even though she was sitting with a group of friends, whispering conspiratorially.

“Hey baby,” he said in a low voice. “Wanna go out sometime?”

“I’d rather die,” she replied.

Her girlfriends laughed wildly and he joined in, lightly slapping his hand against the table.

“Seriously, fuck off,” she said.

“Oh. Okay.”

He went out to the carpark and rummaged around the boot of his car.

What a strange girl, he thought, smashing a cricket bat into her head as she exited the coffee shop.

By the time the police arrived, her face was bashed in completely on one side.

• talk to myself in the mirror
• inhale deeply when I walk behind the French guy’s desk at work, because he smells good
• google all my doctors, yoga teachers, hair dressers, therapists, etc, to try and find personal information about them
• set up fake email accounts under my parents’ names and feed them through my inbox, even though I have never actually used them
• photograph strangers on public transport
• wear the clothing of anyone who has left jackets/shirts/pants at my house
• look up girls’ skirts when they’re above me on the escalator
• smell other people’s hair