Literal Man wasn’t expecting his wife home for another 3 hours, so when Regina walked in and discovered him in bed with his receptionist, everyone was shocked.

After a moment of stunned silence, Regina stormed over to their dresser and picked up her jewellery box. “Fuck off!” she told at the receptionist, who was hastily gathering her clothes. Regina then turned to her husband.

“You bastard,” she spat. “By the time I’m done with you, you’ll have nothing. I’m going to take you to the cleaners!”

“Oh yeah?” Literal Man screamed. “Well I’m going to sue the shit out of you and take a lot of your money!”

He picked a razor from the bedside table and sliced his wrist open for dramatic effect. As he bled out, he wished he had remembered to charge his mobile phone so he could call an ambulance.

The date was going very well. After they left the restaurant, they walked slowly back to her place, hand in hand.

When they got to her front door, she leaned into him and touched his arm.

“Do you want to come upstairs for a coffee?” she asked shyly.

“Oh no thanks,” he replied, “I never sleep properly if I have caffeine after dinner. I’ll just see you later!”

On the way home, he tried to decide what kind of porn he felt like watching.

• tooth brush
• fabric softener
• odour killer
• condoms

I usually try to avoid using my blog for “commercial” purposes, not wanting to taint it with Adwords or furniture ads (but do have exclusive and charming carspace for rent near Sydney CBD for $70 p/week, inquire within.)

However, something very important has come up.

I need a year’s supply of pineapples.

Long-time readers will know I like two things in life: fat cats and fruit.

My idiot housemate is allergic so I need the pineapples.

I know there are a lot of “causes” around that you could devote yourselves to, but please put your heart in the right place.

If we win, we will have some sort of cocktail party where you should all dress up as pineapples and bring your own liquor and we’ll put it in a glass for you with a slice of pineapple and then drink some for ourselves.

The cheerleading team

The free pineapples (#disclosure)

The free hat (#transparency)

Last time I saw something like this, it was in my friend's mum's bedroom drawer.

Special delivery for notleks Kinna

I need to beat some food blogger called Not Quite Nigella. So I created something pretty special.

It’s called “Pure Hawaii”. Here is the recipe.

I think you will all agree it is worthy of first place. Maybe not in the competition, but in our hearts.

Pure Hawaii

So....pure...

It looks so good

Vote for my amazing recipe HERE.

I will love you and/or your vote.

The Superindentent entered the briefing room and raised his hands for quiet.

“Switch on the projector,” he instructed.

On the screen appeared a photograph of a middle-aged man in spandex. He waved a revolver at a flock of sheep.

“This is Constable Johns,” the Superindentent said. “As some of you will know, he was once an outstanding police officer. But then one day, he completely lost his shit.”

“Well where did he last see it?” Literal Man asked from the back. “We should contact the local police stations, perhaps they’ve heard something. I’ll make some calls.” He jumped out of his seat and hurried from the room.

The detectives all rolled their eyes, but they didn’t say anything. Since Literal Man was diagnosed with Asperger’s, they were no longer allowed to urinate in his coffee mugs.

The detective frowned at the various papers and photographs scattered across his desk. He tugged violently at his tie and then hurled his coffee mug against the office wall.

“GODDAMNIT,” he screamed, “This just doesn’t add up!”

His assistant came over to his desk and peered at the detective’s notepad.

“Did you carry the one?” he asked. “Maybe you need to convert a fraction to a decimal. I’ll go get us a calculator. Do they sell them at the newsagent? I can’t remember.”

I had a terrible dream last week where my friend Ryan got really sick and started coughing up blood all over the carpet in our house. I was relieved when I woke up and realised it was a dream because we had the carpets cleaned quite recently and I didn’t want to go through all that bother again.

Lorikeets are horrible, horrible people and should not be trusted under any circumstances.

I saw some lorikeets once when I was a child, and then I fell off my rollerblades and chipped my four front teeth.

I also have a birth mark on my leg that looks like a pimple.

My favourite rice crackers flavour is salt & vinegar, but not as many brands are making it lately. I am not sure why.