Dead Europe

This book contains a lot of same-sex sex, orgies, beastiality, incest, rape, drug use, Jew h8ers, and descriptions of men jizzing in various places. And while I can appreciate a brutally violent anal sex scene as much as the next reader, I was hoping for a few plot points in between visits to pound town.

My mother bought me this book for Christmas.

Coonardoo

Aboriginal people herd cattle for 800 pages = TLDR.

Can you believe that when this book first came out, it was banned for being so controversial?

Me neither, cause it’s fucking boring.

The Alchemist

What would be quicker than reading this book is if you just got someone to shit directly onto your lap and then got on with your day.

The best part of this book was when I threw it in the bin.

A Wolf at the Table

Augusten Burroughs tries not to be funny and succeeds.

Could put it down.

  . ]]> http://annikskelton.com/2012/01/24/books-i-have-stopped-reading-because-they-were-so-bad/feed/ 6 http://annikskelton.com/2012/01/19/im-going-to-your-mums-place-for-22-months/ http://annikskelton.com/2012/01/19/im-going-to-your-mums-place-for-22-months/#comments Wed, 18 Jan 2012 23:44:16 +0000 Annik http://annikskelton.com/?p=4127 If you’re on Facebook, you’ve probably seen some moronic updates floating through your feed lately about people going to various countries for various periods of time even though they’re not. The conversation usually goes something like this…

Idiot: I’m going to Spain for 4 months!
Curious friend: Omg really?
Idiot: Nah it’s for breast cancer lol!
Curious friend: wat.
Idiot: You choose the country that matches your bday month and then your bday date is how long you’re going for and then you change your status
Curious friend: (deletes you from Facebook because you’re a fucking idiot)

This kind of genius has been around for a while now. It usually starts with a message people forward around to their female friends that goes something like this:

Hey ladies! It’s that time of year again when we annoy the shit out of our friends and contribute absolutely nothing towards raising awareness about breast cancer!!!

This is how it works. First, choose the number that matches your IQ:

1 – blue
2 – pink
3 – black
4 – yellow
5 – red

Next, how many people would admit to being your friend?

1 – syphilis
2 – chlamydia
3 – gonorrhea
4 – the clap
5 – herpes

Then update your Facebook status with the colour and STD that match your answers! For example, “Omg my bf’s balls are red, think I have the clap?!!”

Now remember, don’t tell any of the boys what your statuses mean because we need to maximise the awareness!!! Keep them guessing so more people learn about it. Also pass this on to everyone you know so they can raise a awareness too!!!

 

Ugh. Just ugh.

1. Do we really need to be raising awareness about breast cancer?

If you can show me three people over the age of 12 who are not aware of breast cancer, I will start watching Glee, because neither of those things are ever going to fucking happen.

Where are these people? How often is this conversation happening?

Judy: Excuse me sir, but I’m going to need some time off work because… well, I have breast cancer.
Boss: What’s that? Never heard of it. Should we all get tested? I really don’t understand.

We’re all aware. Breast cancer gets more publicity than Kate Middleton holding her hand over her stomach in a few photos like she’s totally pregnant. Why not try and raise awareness about something that people don’t generally know a lot about, like melanoma or how to clear your cache. Or if you still want to keep the focus on breast cancer, why not aim to raise awareness about its symptoms, detection methods, treatment options or other ways to help. Or fuck, why not just really go for it and try to raise something actually useful, LIKE MONEY?

2. How does not mentioning something raise awareness about it?

Here is the other way these status updates are often received…

Moron: I’m a champagne flute so tuck it back.
Innocent friend: What are you talking about?
Moron: I can’t tell you lol.
Innocent friend: Don’t call me anymore.

The dumb bridge club president who comes up with these brainwaves and composed the original message urges people not to disclose the reason behind their mysterious status update. Now I’m no genius, and I only just found out that reindeer are real so who am I to judge, but I do have one question: how are people supposed to know what cause you’re supporting, if you don’t fucking say it?

I really want to know how the conversation went when this was decided.

Shirley: So then we get everyone to update their status to raise lots of awareness….but it’s a secret.
Tonia: Wow, I think it’s a great idea, I mean it’s definitely got legs. But how will people know that the whole concept is about breast cancer if it’s a secret?
Shirley: Because that’s the whole purpose.
Tonia: Yes but shouldn’t we mention the cause or maybe include a link to a site with information on breast cancer, maybe even a site where people could donate money?
Shirley: Nah, nah, nah. Trust me, it’s better this way.

3. Doing lame crap like this gives people a false sense of action

Telling people that they can help raise awareness about breast cancer by posting something inane on Facebook is counter-productive, because some of those people who wanted to help might have ACTUALLY supported the cause through donating things like time/money/ideas/labour/goods/etc. But instead, they will now sit back on the couch and tune in to Oprah, satisfied in the knowledge that they’ve done their bit for breast cancer.

4. It’s really annoying

Stop it. Not only is it annoying, but you might find that it actually achieves the opposite of what you were dumb enough to think you were doing. Most of the time, when people discover that a particular brand is behind an ad or campaign that they find super irritating, they feel less sympathetic towards that brand. I’m not saying I am pro-breast cancer, but I’d probably chuck my dollars into another cancer charity that wasn’t being endlessly touted by a bunch of idiots.

Of course, having said all that, there is a silver lining. If you are keen to cull your Facebook friends, little initiatives like these will help you sort the wheat from the chaff. (Checking which of your friends have liked the Two and a Half Men page is also a good method.)

how to sleep on a bench = valuable life skill

• Pack ear plugs anytime you go anywhere because people are awful.
• You should always take spare headphones in case you sit on somebody else’s on the plane and break them with your strength/arse.
• When ordering food on your holiday, think about the country and the landscape and the stuff on it. If you haven’t seen a cow for a while, skip the beef.
• The kinds of people you want to avoid when you travel are: children, people who have children, and anyone who has written a self-help book.
• Even if you are traveling with your favourite person on earth, they are bound to annoy the shit out of you at some point. The best way to deal with this is to sweep all your belongings off your banana lounge and dump everything onto the ground, say “You want this chair? Take the fucking chair,” and then lock yourself in the hotel room and eat a whole tube of sour cream and chives Pringles.
• Overnight train is the worst form of travel after Holocaust box car.
• If someone’s body language doesn’t quite make sense, it’s probably because they are cutting open your handbag with a stanley knife and trying to steal your wallet.
• Staying at a fancy resort turns you into a jerk fairly quickly and you will soon find yourself asking a waiter where the fuck is my mojito?
• Boys don’t really appreciate spa treatments and are likely to describe an amazing and luxurious experience as “being hit with bags of seeds” or “someone wiping their hands on my face, like a lot, and those satin pyjama pants made my balls really sweaty.”

Ryan: I watched Drive today.

Me: How was it?

Ryan: There’s no story, absolutely nothing. It’s a 20 minute script shot in slow motion to make up an hour and a half of footage. Mostly it’s just shots of Ryan Gosling wearing a gold jacket and chewing on a toothpick. He also walks down a lot of hallways. And there’s no driving. It shouldn’t even be called “Drive”. That’s misleading. It should be called “Ryan Gosling chews a toothpick in slow motion for ninety minutes”. If you want to know what happens in Drive, just look at the DVD cover. That’s the movie. The whole thing.

Me: I heard the soundtrack was good?

Ryan: I can’t remember, I’d have to watch it again. And that’s not going to happen because it’s fucking boring.

Who has ruined your life? What did they tell you?

Ryan: So do you still think your band is going to “make it”?

To his new boss, first day on the job

Ryan: Is that a Rubik’s cube you’ve got there?
New boss: Yeah, I used to be able to finish these things so quickly.
Ryan: Wow, I bet it used to just rain pussy when you did that.
New boss: I’m gay.

To his new flatmate

FM: Did I tell you about the dream I had last night?
Ryan: Hearing about someone else’s dream is the same as hearing about someone else’s children. Absolutely nobody cares.
FM: Nevermind.

Yogi: Your hips are really…open.

Personal trainer: You don’t have a lot of fat on you – it just all happens to be on your arms.

“People think that online dating is only for losers. Well, we’re going to change all that.”

“So what do you want me to do?”

“Just plait your hair, put an oversized men’s shirt and toast the computer with a glass of red. We’ll photoshop in your imaginary boyfriend’s hand later.”

“Okay!”

After a trip to Guatemala…
Mum: The toilets over there were awful. The only decent one I found was a disabled cubicle at a restaurant. It had better toilet paper.
Me: That’s weird.
Mum: I know, why bother? It’s not like they can feel the difference.

Upon hearing the news that my cousin and her girlfriend were engaged…
Mum: To do what?