Mum’s friend: I hate to say it, but your cat’s getting a little chunky.

Me: So’s your face.

Richard was a member of a Contiki tour group my friend Keira and I belonged to during July 2007. When we caught a ferry from Athens to Mykonos, Richard bought a T-shirt with a giant penis on it that said “Give us a kiss!” and he waved to children. One night, he got really wasted and sang karaoke, emptying an entire bar of tourists in 4.5 seconds flat.

These are his stories:

Pop’s girlfriend: So, Annik, no boyfriend?

Me: Nah, no boyfriend.

PGF: Didn’t you have one last year?

Me: He turned out to be a lying fuck.

PGF: Oh.. my…

Me: Yeah.

PGF: Well, I’m sure you’ll find one this year anyway.

Me: Thanks.

PGF: Tick-tock!

Me: I’m just gonna go now.

Lorikeets are horrible, horrible people and should not be trusted under any circumstances.

I saw some lorikeets once when I was a child, and then I fell off my rollerblades and chipped my four front teeth.

I also have a birth mark on my leg that looks like a pimple.

My favourite rice crackers flavour is salt & vinegar, but not as many brands are making it lately. I am not sure why.

The following post comes courtesy of the sometimes inappropriately funny and always rather good-looking @liceri. I didn’t have to edit this at all, which is awesome, because I’m lazy.

Enjoy.

Annik

Canadian people are insane

My parents are Canadian and mental. From this, I assume that all Canadians are insane. I’m Canadian too but I’ve lived in Australia since I was 3 so it doesn’t really count. As they age, they become less and less guarded about the things they say in front of me (as far as they’re concerned, I’m too old to be emotionally affected by them), and think less and less before they speak because they think I don’t listen anymore. To outsiders, my mum is quiet, reserved, dignified and conservative. She doesn’t swear. She’s never lewd or crude. She’s lovely and cuddly and a pure delight; a true lady. However, in private (and after fair amounts of alcohol), she’s often the opposite.

As for my dad, well, he’s quiet – but he’s measured and thinks before he speaks.

Together, they’re unstoppable.

She’s a mathematical genius

Me: [sings something about ballsacks]
Mum: “Hey! You’re 24. I thought you grew out of that stuff!”
Me: “I grew INTO that stuff, not out of it.”
Mum: [after a long pause] “Wow! You’re going to be 25 soon!”
Me: [laughs hysterically]
Dad: [laughs hysterically]

After seeing an advertisement about bushfires

Mum: [To my dad] “If there’s a fire here, I’m going to take the dog, run straight to the beach and stay in the water. [long pause] What are you going to do?”

Discussing the new Australian Idol judge

Mum: “Well, of course he’s better than that fat dickhead, but he’s also heaps better than that other idiot, whats-his-name, Four-Door Holden or whatever…”

She saw me playing with my iPhone

Mum: “Who are you twatting?”

After I shouted “I have a headache” to no-one in particular

Mum: “SHUT UP!”

After being asked what our (French-inspired) dessert was

Mum: “The menu says ‘apple and lavender tarts, with dulche de leche’, which means ‘I haven’t the foggiest’.”

She saw a T-Shirt with the letter ‘W’ and an anchor (implying ‘wanker’)

Mum: “I don’t get it. Only women allowed on the boat?”

Regarding sperm donation

Mum: “I don’t get it. Why go through all the hassle of buying sperm, all the legalities, all the money spent, when you could just go to a bar, pick up, have sex with anyone and in five minutes it would be done for free?”

On the female anatomy

Mum: “So here in Australia ‘fanny’ doesn’t mean bum, it’s the front bit, right? So, what do you mean by ‘beef curtains’? I don’t get…” [watches me mime parting curtains] “Oh my goodness! Ewwww!”

On Situs Inversis (congenital condition in which the major organs are reversed or mirrored)

[Recieved via Email]

“That’s unbelievable! Guess it could be worse if your body parts were reversed (top to bottom) then your nose would constantly run and your feet would smell……….Anyway, I’m making shepherds pie for dinner. xox”

After being asked to rate a film out of five stars

Mum: “Oh, nine-and-a-half, easily!”

After watching Seven Pounds (film about organ donation)

Mum: “When I go, go ahead and give all my bits away. As if I’m going to even notice – I’ll be dead!”

While reading the morning paper

Mum: “I mean, imagine if you were the parent of the girl who bullied her online, driving her to suicide. How would you feel? It’s just so – OOH! POTATO AND LEEK PIE!”

On David Koch from Sunrise

Dad: “Did you know he used to be a finance reporter?”
Mum: “Did YOU know he’s a total KNOB JOCKEY!?!?”

On abstinence

Mum: “I don’t think I’m going to drink.” [pause] “I’ll just have a glass of Rosé instead.”

They were discussing wacky party themes

Dad: “What about a party with NO ALCOHOL?”[flails arms dramatically]

Mum: [death stare]

Re: their Christmas Eve party

Mum: “We don’t really need plates – it’s all fingering food.”

Dad: [throwing arms up triumphantly] “Excellent!”

On seeing my low-cut dress

Mum: “Are you allowed to have bosoms like that at work?”

Me: “Well, they’re not really removable.”

Upon entering the living room while I’m watching the Sixth Sense with a friend who’s never seen it before

Mum: “Isn’t it amazing that he’s actually DEAD the whole time?!”

1. Wasted by Marya Hornbacher

“I threw up a lot.”

2. Angela’s Ashes by Frank McCourt

“Dad’s drunk.”

3. Diary of Anne Frank by Anne Frank

“We are so bored.”

4. Running with Scissors by Augusten Burroughs

“There are shapes in your poop.”

5. The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho

“Wank wank wank wank.”

Mum: Will you be home for dinner?

Me: Not if you’re cooking.

Mum: You’re being really obnoxious right now.

Me: So’s your face.

Girl at campsite: Ah-CHOO!

Me: Bless you.

Girl: Thanks. My hayfever is sooo bad here.

Me: Would you care for an anti-histamine?

Girl: Oh yes please!

Me: I’ve got Telfast or Phenergan, take your pick.

Girl: Phernergan? You take Phernergan? That’s used to drug children, you know. It’s used to drug them, so that they can be kidnapped or something. It’s really dangerous.

Me: So’s your face.

Would you consider moving to melbourne and being my house slave?

Probably not.

What’s the point of asking you anything?

The fact that you asked me this question caused the laws of logic to implode and shower tiny flakes of Lame into your gay fish tank.

Do you prefer guys who are circumcised or uncircumcised, and why?

Oh I’m not really into astrology!

Do you really dislike your mother as much as it seems?

No, I love my mother. You stay away from her.

What scares you (apart from giant cockroaches)?

Gang rape, ice junkies, childbirth, bagpipes and facial scars.

Why are people cunts?

I can scientifically explain why men are cunts, but not women. I think you just need to accept that generally speaking, the average person is pretty shit.

Annik Skelton a friend to the poor?

I never give change to homeless people, but I used to randomly give bums $10 or $20 notes just to see what their reaction would be. Then I got a job writing.

Can pregnant women take the front seat on the bus?

Lord, no! Pregnant men, however, are entitled to drive the bus, if they wish to do so.

Did your medication for getting your wisdom teeth out fuck you up?

Oh yes. I’d do it all again, if my medical insurance would cover that sort of thing.

Do uni girls fuck a lot?

It depends what your degree is. In accounting, not so much. But generally, uni isn’t the best place to pick-up unless you want to put in a lot of effort. Most girls pretend to have standards, then they go on a Contiki tour and have sex with eight different people every half hour.

Do you skinny dip in your pool?

The Hills have eyes, and nosy neighbours, so no.

How did your brother torture you?

In various ways. By pinning me to the floor and farting in my face, or making up songs about how ugly I was and singing them during long car trips, or punching me in the face, or locking me in the garage, or putting cat poo in my food. Kids!

How do you make a magazine?

First you’ll need eight litres of engine oil and a babushka doll. Sift the flour, turn left, push the lid down as you open the bottle, and add more reverb. That’s very important. Then you press DISPLAY at the same time as CLOCK and hold it down, add a slice of fresh lime, and tie a knot in the whole thing. Serve chilled.

How bad is Hillsbus?

Allow me to answer a question with a question here – how bad is Lucifer’s anus?

How long does it take from the hills to the city by bus?

Thirty to forty minutes without traffic, two hours with traffic.

Tell me the name of a powerful pill that makes girls too excited for fucking?

Money.

Where do I catch the Hillsbus?

Catching the Hillsbus is quite simple. Just stand at the base of any incline in Sydney’s outer suburbs, raise a conch to your lips, and then plunge it into your chest.

Why does my hair come out in clumps?

It sounds like a wiring problem. Have you tried turning the hair off at its power source and rebooting? Oh you forgot your password! How silly. I’ll reset that for you.

Is Annik Skelton a scam?

Completely and entirely. I’ve been trying to figure out how to make money off you chumps for thirty years now!

Why would you invite Tim Allen over for Christmas?

Presumably for dinner. I imagine he’d be quite tasty once roasted.

How do you stop?

Why start! I like to hold back in the effort department, as it only leads to more work later on.

Wine racks. What’s the point?

Nobody really knows. Personally, I have never owned enough unopened bottles of wine at the same time to necessitate a wine rack. What am I going to do with a wine rack!

It’s time to Ask Elton stuff, like we did before.

Do it here if you want to remain anonymous, or email askelton@annikskelton.com if you’re willing to reveal yourself (only to me though, I won’t post your details unless you piss me off.)

All questions will be answered, unless they are boring or relate to my sex life.

Love,

Elton