Ryan: Women always cry. It’s the only way they know how to deal with pressure.
Me: That’s not true. I binge drink.
Ryan: That’s bloggable.

Ryan: I really don’t understand why marijuana isn’t legal. Have you ever heard a stoner go, “Man, I’m so baked, let’s go out for a cheeky rape”? Or, “I know, let’s go bash someone to death”? No. They just eat pizza and watch Tim and Eric.

Ryan: Why are you dressed in Matt’s clothes?
Me: Because I wanted to feel closer to him.
Ryan: Are you wearing his retainer?

Me: I find the guy on the drink-driving ad really attractive.
Ryan: Of course you do. That’s your weakness. You accept any flaw in someone if they’re beautiful.
Me: No, I don’t.
Ryan: It’s fine, everybody does it. If Natalie Portman asked me to marry her, and she said, “By the way, I’m a meth addict and I have AIDS, is that cool?” I’d be like, “Totally okay. Let’s do this.”
Me: Really?
Ryan: Of course. If she said, “I also poo out my mouth and I never brush my teeth,” I’d be like, “That’s fine, babe. We’ll work it out.”

Me: I don’t know what to do about this weird chick.
Ryan: Skelty, this is all I’m going to say: once, a guy threw a lemon tree in my bed while I was asleep in it, and I never saw him again. Know what I mean?

Ryan: When I was a kid, I dated the hottest girl in school. It was right before she got anorexia, when a girl reaches her absolute peak of hotness. Like when she’s still eating, but right before she gives up celery.

Me: I saw an infographic on semen today. Did you know there are 20 calories in a load?
Ryan: That would explain why that girl I hooked up with on the weekend was so fat.
Me: And did you know that sperm can live inside a woman for 5 days, or on a toilet seat for 3 hours?
Ryan: What about on a girl’s face?

Matt: My roomie is on her way with a friend.
Ryan: Is her friend hot?
Matt: Kind of.
Ryan: Dude, I can’t talk to a hot girl right now. I’m about to eat pudding.

When is Annik Skelton going to realise that it’s Mike putting silly things in google and making it look like it’s Dave?

Dave? Is that you?

What did Annik Skelton get for xmas?

Mainly hangovers.

Why do cabbies hate credit cards?

Cabbies hate everything.

Why men skinny dip?

INDEED.

Are you obliged to pay if you vomit in a cab?

Not if you give the driver a handjob afterwards. I’ve heard.

Can I get Annik Skelton with chips thanks?

Only because you asked so politely.

Can you drink beer while having teeth braces on?

I got my braces off when I was fourteen, so I had only been drinking beer for 3 years at that stage but my teeth look great now!

Can you give phenergan to a cat?

If you do, please film it and send me the video.

Does having wisdom teeth removed hurt?

No, it’s lovely.

How much do contiki site reps get paid?

That depends how much you value anonymous underage sex.

How do I start a funeral home?

First you’ll need some dead bodies. I recommend poison – it’s a most elegant mode of dispatch.

Is Augusten Burroughs uncircumcised?

As much as I obsess over Augusten Burroughs, my research does not extend that far.

Is it a good idea to watch The Exorcist alone?

Of course!

Is fucking healthy?

Yes.

Masturbate in my backyard?

Okay!

What is pedafilia?

Pedafilia was invented in 1965 by the Dutch as a means to curtail rapidly rising interest rates.

When is “I love my dentist week”?

I’m not familiar with this celebration.

Why are stay-at-home mums so condescending of me working?

The same reason Augusten Burroughs has never commented on my blog or returned any of my letters or phone calls. JEALOUSY.

Will I have sex on Contiki?

Yes.

This was illustrated by the talented and sometimes awkward Mitch Hawkins

“Annik, I’m telling you, this is like the Matrix. You’re like Neo, because you’re like the chosen one, but you don’t know it yet. Matt’s Trinity, because he’s a girl. Dan’s like Morpheus because he found you, and I’m like the Oracle because only I know what you really are. Hey, pass the joint.”

“Funny chicks are rare. They’re like an endangered species. In fact, they’re like a new species. You should be in a fucking museum. And I should be famous, because I discovered you. Shit. This is so unfair.”

Ryan: “Hey, Trent, this is my friend Skelty. She’s the funny chick I told you about. Go on Skelty, say something funny!”
Me: “Um.. I’m not really sure… Ahh..”
Trent: *cough*
Ryan: “She’s usually much better than this. I’m sorry. Let’s just leave.”

Me: “I’m going to see Janeane Garofalo tonight.”
Ryan: “Wow. Enjoy two hours of vagina jokes.”

• one dead goldfish
• four towels covered in blood
• fingerless gloves
• a broken stair banister
• a toothpaste penis on the bathroom wall
• vomit splashes on the cupboard doors
• the garage door no longer opens
• someone drank half my vodka
• my birthday book got stolen
• somebody pooped in our bin

Me: One of my friends bought an egg.
Matt: What’s that?
Me: It’s like a vibrator, but you can put the whole thing inside you.
Matt: Like a sexy tampon?
Me: No.

Matt: *laughs*
Me: Did you just remember one of my jokes?
Matt: *dirty look*

Matt: Do you want a lift to work in the morning?
Me: No thanks. My only exercise these days is walking to work. And fucking.
Matt: Wow.

Matt: I like a girl with a bit of meat on her bones.
Me: Think very hard about what you say next.
Matt: I mean, I like you.
Me: Just stop talking.
Matt: But I was being nice?
Me: Shut up.

Me: Be careful with that guitar. It’s worth more than you…
Matt: *dirty look*
Me: …to me.