1. Bugs can crawl in your mouth while you’re asleep and then you swallow them
2. All girls grow up to look like their mothers
3. If you flush the toilet with the lid open, poo particles drift out of the bowl and land on your toothbrush

Who has ruined your life? What did they tell you?

On meeting the lead singer of the Sea Bellies

Ryan: So do you still think your band is going to “make it”?

To his new boss, first day on the job

Ryan: Is that a Rubik’s cube you’ve got there?
New boss: Yeah, I used to be able to finish these things so quickly.
Ryan: Wow, I bet it used to just rain pussy when you did that.
New boss: I’m gay.

To his new flatmate

FM: Did I tell you about the dream I had last night?
Ryan: Hearing about someone else’s dream is the same as hearing about someone else’s children. Absolutely nobody cares.
FM: Nevermind.

Pilates teacher: You have what we call a “floppy” body.

Yogi: Your hips are really…open.

Personal trainer: You don’t have a lot of fat on you – it just all happens to be on your arms.

“People think that online dating is only for losers. Well, we’re going to change all that.”

“So what do you want me to do?”

“Just plait your hair, put an oversized men’s shirt and toast the computer with a glass of red. We’ll photoshop in your imaginary boyfriend’s hand later.”

“Okay!”

• smells bad
• nothing good to eat
• never much phone reception

At the terracotta warriors exhibition…
Mum: They say that every warrior was crafted to look like an actual living soldier at the time. Each statue is unique.
Me: Really?
Mum: Well, who knows.. They’re Chinese so they all look the same anyway.

After a trip to Guatemala…
Mum: The toilets over there were awful. The only decent one I found was a disabled cubicle at a restaurant. It had better toilet paper.
Me: That’s weird.
Mum: I know, why bother? It’s not like they can feel the difference.

Upon hearing the news that my cousin and her girlfriend were engaged…
Mum: To do what?

“Third time lucky, then?”
- my mother

“Honestly, nobody even cares anymore.”
- my friend Keira

“That’s great!”
- supportive boyfriend

I have learnt that there are certain television shows that cause Ryan to scoot forward on the lounge and moan periodically as though in physical pain. These include, but are not limited to: The Circle, The 7pm Project, anything with Charlie Pickering, and Q&A.

Below is a series of excerpts from his commentary on the Gen Y Q&A episode this week.

Me: It’s Josh Thomas!
Ryan: Annik, anyone who claims to have acquired a full blown Irish accent on a two week holiday is not worthy of your respect or your attention.

Ryan: Oh great, Fuzzy is representing Gen Y. A veejay with an IQ of 14.
Me: The caption says she is music journalist.
Ryan: Really? I’d love to see her fucking “journalism” degree.

Ryan: This is pointless, they’re not actually answering anyone’s questions. The chick in the beanie is just bringing everything back to refugees, and Josh Thomas is bringing everything back to being a giant fag.

Ryan: I think there should just be a rule that comedians are never asked to be on Q&A. Especially when they admit on-air that they have only been reading about refugees for one week. The only intelligent person on this entire panel is the fucking Liberal. Oh my god. I’m so angry.

For more burning insights, you can follow Ryan on Twitter.

“Is my hair okay?”

“Perfect!”

“So what do you want me to do?”

“Just sit on the ball… just like that, yep.”

“Should I smile?”

“Sure.”

“Anything else?”

“Put your hands behind you… that’s it.”

“Yeah?”

“Now look at me. And just, like, spread your legs really wide. Just get the ball right up in there.”

UPDATE: Room no longer available (doh!)

This week in Sydney, Maru-evangelist Annik Skelton and edamame critic Hugh Munro went on the hunt for a super cool new flatty. Reports confirm that the room available is a mid-sized south-facing carpeted bedroom with a two-door mirrored built-in wardrobe and a desk/shelf thingy. It currently houses a queen bed, bedside table and coffee table comfortably.

The house is fully-furnished with 1 bathroom, lock-up garage, laundry facilities, 46″ plasma tv, wifi, Nintendo64 (with Mario Kart and Golden Eye), rear courtyard, Juliet balcony and original artwork. The carpet is that lovely colour that a lamb steak goes when you defrost it for slightly too long. The house is professionally cleaned by a local Asian family on a fortnightly basis.

Sources say the house is in a central location, walking distance from CBD, Central Station, Kings Cross, Surry Hills, Little Italy and the Yurong Street Half-way House for Men.

When asked to comment, Skelton described her ideal flatmate as “just a chill bro, really. I don’t give a shit as long as we don’t get a couple, a Scorpio, or anyone who’s a Coopers Red fan.” Munro said they were looking for “anyone who hasn’t auditioned for a reality TV show”. Which could really narrow things down in inner-city Sydney.

People close to Annik and Hugh have even claimed that ex-flatty Julian Cole’s bed is also available at no additional cost. By all reports it is very clean owing to Cole’s lady skills (or lack thereof).

The room will be available from 22nd June (TBC).

Successful applicants will be invited to an interview which will involve testing of your Mario Kart skills.

“We’re really excited about this new phase of the house,” Munro and Skelton added. “We hope we don’t get a shit cunt.”