“Third time lucky, then?”
- my mother

“Honestly, nobody even cares anymore.”
- my friend Keira

“That’s great!”
- supportive boyfriend

I have learnt that there are certain television shows that cause Ryan to scoot forward on the lounge and moan periodically as though in physical pain. These include, but are not limited to: The Circle, The 7pm Project, anything with Charlie Pickering, and Q&A.

Below is a series of excerpts from his commentary on the Gen Y Q&A episode this week.

Me: It’s Josh Thomas!
Ryan: Annik, anyone who claims to have acquired a full blown Irish accent on a two week holiday is not worthy of your respect or your attention.

Ryan: Oh great, Fuzzy is representing Gen Y. A veejay with an IQ of 14.
Me: The caption says she is music journalist.
Ryan: Really? I’d love to see her fucking “journalism” degree.

Ryan: This is pointless, they’re not actually answering anyone’s questions. The chick in the beanie is just bringing everything back to refugees, and Josh Thomas is bringing everything back to being a giant fag.

Ryan: I think there should just be a rule that comedians are never asked to be on Q&A. Especially when they admit on-air that they have only been reading about refugees for one week. The only intelligent person on this entire panel is the fucking Liberal. Oh my god. I’m so angry.

For more burning insights, you can follow Ryan on Twitter.

“Is my hair okay?”

“Perfect!”

“So what do you want me to do?”

“Just sit on the ball… just like that, yep.”

“Should I smile?”

“Sure.”

“Anything else?”

“Put your hands behind you… that’s it.”

“Yeah?”

“Now look at me. And just, like, spread your legs really wide. Just get the ball right up in there.”

UPDATE: Room no longer available (doh!)

This week in Sydney, Maru-evangelist Annik Skelton and edamame critic Hugh Munro went on the hunt for a super cool new flatty. Reports confirm that the room available is a mid-sized south-facing carpeted bedroom with a two-door mirrored built-in wardrobe and a desk/shelf thingy. It currently houses a queen bed, bedside table and coffee table comfortably.

The house is fully-furnished with 1 bathroom, lock-up garage, laundry facilities, 46″ plasma tv, wifi, Nintendo64 (with Mario Kart and Golden Eye), rear courtyard, Juliet balcony and original artwork. The carpet is that lovely colour that a lamb steak goes when you defrost it for slightly too long. The house is professionally cleaned by a local Asian family on a fortnightly basis.

Sources say the house is in a central location, walking distance from CBD, Central Station, Kings Cross, Surry Hills, Little Italy and the Yurong Street Half-way House for Men.

When asked to comment, Skelton described her ideal flatmate as “just a chill bro, really. I don’t give a shit as long as we don’t get a couple, a Scorpio, or anyone who’s a Coopers Red fan.” Munro said they were looking for “anyone who hasn’t auditioned for a reality TV show”. Which could really narrow things down in inner-city Sydney.

People close to Annik and Hugh have even claimed that ex-flatty Julian Cole’s bed is also available at no additional cost. By all reports it is very clean owing to Cole’s lady skills (or lack thereof).

The room will be available from 22nd June (TBC).

Successful applicants will be invited to an interview which will involve testing of your Mario Kart skills.

“We’re really excited about this new phase of the house,” Munro and Skelton added. “We hope we don’t get a shit cunt.”

“You look like you’re on holidays!”
- my yoga teacher who never wears makeup

“Wowee, we’re looking very…casual.”
- my chiro, I think he might be gay

“You look nice today.”
- my boyfriend, he is obligated to say this even if I have been awake for 2 days drinking

“Are you ill?”
- my mother

No alarms

• Either my local church is having AA meetings or they hold a special scumbag service on weekdays.
• During the week, you notice a lot of middle-class junkies around Surry Hills/Darlinghurst. These are the junkies who have graduated to an all-tracksuit wardrobe, but they are not yet living on the street or robbing 7-Eleven’s. They usually go to score with their bf or gf and they’re quite thin and always have a dog.
• There is an entire house full of trannies on the street behind mine.
• My gay next-door neighbour also appears to be unemployed but neither of us is willing to admit it.
• West Wing goes foooorrevvaa.
• Despite having 11 extra hours at my disposal every day, I eat a lot more when I’m not working and I go to the gym less.
• I really like candles and slurpees?
• The scummy workmen around the corner fill our recycling bin with empty chinese food containers every week after garbage night.
• If there’s no real need to shower before 5pm, why press the issue.
• The closest I have come to actual insanity was when my neighbour played this song on repeat for an entire day and a night. I cried and started looking at rental properties online.

Mark Smith

Mark works in the emergency department of a suburban hospital, where he spends his days removing inanimate objects from the orifices of the public. Mark is well aware of the positive impact his work has on society. “If it wasn’t for me, things would go in and not come out, if you know what I mean…”

When he is not at work, Mark spends his time trying to accumulate muscle mass in order to make himself appear more attractive to those around him. “It benefits society because firstly, people get to look at someone who looks nice, and secondly, the ladies get to touch someone who feels nice.”

Kimberley Boulton

Kimberley left school in Grade Ten but that does not stop her from being a strong contender for the Alumni of the Year Award.  Upon leaving school, Kim immediately set about improving the world she lives in by nurturing children whose parents are too busy to take care of them.

Her job is important to her and she wouldn’t miss it for anything. This attitude extends to overcoming hurdles that would intimidate ordinary people. “Sometimes I have a massive weekend,” she says, “and I haven’t slept since like Thursday. Sure, I might be over the blood alcohol limit to drive to work, but you know what? I just put on my runners and walk there.”

Kim dreams of helping the less fortunate all around the world. “I often wonder about the kids of all those people skiing in Whistler or lazing on the beach in Hawaii,” she sighs. “I should go over there and start really making a difference.”

During a recent school night session with some old co-workers, the conversation turned to growing up and childhood pastimes.

Claire: So I named my budgies Popcorn and Peanuts, and when they died, I buried them in my fairy garden.

Me: What the hell is a fairy garden?

Claire: You didn’t have a fairy garden?

Me: No?

Julia: I guess your parents just didn’t love you enough.

Claire: If it makes you feel any better, my parents eventually turned my fairy garden into a Japanese stone garden.

Me: No, that doesn’t make me feel better. I hate all your North Shore problems. I played with empty cardboard boxes and tupperware containers as a child. I didn’t even know what a Barbie was until I started school. I had a sandpit full of dirt and everything I owned was a hand-me-down of some kind from my brother.

Julia: Is that why you dress badly?

Me: Fuck you.

———————————————————————————————————–

Too many of my conversations like this. I still want that fairy garden though.

According to the internet, this is what I missed out on.

Ugh so pretty

Even worse

This is bullshit

Now they are just taking the piss

Ugh. My parents were soooo mean. My mother had me convinced that raw cookie dough tasted like medicine until I was old enough to wonder why she was eating it all herself if it was so gross.

Did you have a fairy garden? Or were your parents bad people too? What is the phone number for DOCS?

Me: I think that guy is checking me out.
Mitch: It’s possible.
Me: Well I still have all my teeth.

Mitch: Don’t turn around. Jennifer Hawkins just walked in.
Elle: Oh my god.
Mitch: She’s so sexy.
Me: She’s not that sexy. Me and Elle are just as sexy as she is.
Mitch: What are you putting on your hand?
Me: It’s hydrocortisone cream. For my eczema.
Elle: Have you tried cracking open Vitamin E caps? That’s what I do when I get that rash on my thighs.

Me: I just saw a black person on your street!
Mitch: I guess we’ll have to move then…

Mitch: Fuck, I could never live in Sydney.

Me: Fuck, I could never live in Newcastle.

—–Original Message—–
From:
Sent: Thursday, 17 March, 2011 8:35 AM
To: Annik Skelton
Subject: Full Moon Fire March 20 + Despacho

Hi all,

I’m back, a little jet lagged, but I wanted to get out a reminder that you are all welcome, once again, to the full moon fire, this month on the 20th March.

Come for the fire about 8pm, we will get going as soon as it is dark enough. We will first sage everyone and then light the fire, there will be no photography this time, everyone will be there to participate fully, and as such we will also have a full despacho ceremony beforehand. This is optional, and if you are unable to make it for the ceremony, you may let me know a prayer to put into a Kintu on your behalf.

I have just come home from the Munay-Ki, and would be delighted to gift anyone with a rite or two if they desire. Please let me know before hand, and we can arrange whether it will be before or after the despacho.

So, the festivities are: March 20th

6:30-7:30pm Despacho & individual cleansing with the folded Despacho
7:30- Break, Sandwiches will be provided, possibly receive a Munay-Ki rite
8:15 or so, light the fire.

I hope to see you all there! Please do invite your friends, and let me know numbers, so I may cater for everyone.

Much Munay

xo