“You look like you’re on holidays!”
- my yoga teacher who never wears makeup

“Wowee, we’re looking very…casual.”
- my chiro, I think he might be gay

“You look nice today.”
- my boyfriend, he is obligated to say this even if I have been awake for 2 days drinking

“Are you ill?”
- my mother

No alarms

• Either my local church is having AA meetings or they hold a special scumbag service on weekdays.
• During the week, you notice a lot of middle-class junkies around Surry Hills/Darlinghurst. These are the junkies who have graduated to an all-tracksuit wardrobe, but they are not yet living on the street or robbing 7-Eleven’s. They usually go to score with their bf or gf and they’re quite thin and always have a dog.
• There is an entire house full of trannies on the street behind mine.
• My gay next-door neighbour also appears to be unemployed but neither of us is willing to admit it.
• West Wing goes foooorrevvaa.
• Despite having 11 extra hours at my disposal every day, I eat a lot more when I’m not working and I go to the gym less.
• I really like candles and slurpees?
• The scummy workmen around the corner fill our recycling bin with empty chinese food containers every week after garbage night.
• If there’s no real need to shower before 5pm, why press the issue.
• The closest I have come to actual insanity was when my neighbour played this song on repeat for an entire day and a night. I cried and started looking at rental properties online.

Mark Smith

Mark works in the emergency department of a suburban hospital, where he spends his days removing inanimate objects from the orifices of the public. Mark is well aware of the positive impact his work has on society. “If it wasn’t for me, things would go in and not come out, if you know what I mean…”

When he is not at work, Mark spends his time trying to accumulate muscle mass in order to make himself appear more attractive to those around him. “It benefits society because firstly, people get to look at someone who looks nice, and secondly, the ladies get to touch someone who feels nice.”

Kimberley Boulton

Kimberley left school in Grade Ten but that does not stop her from being a strong contender for the Alumni of the Year Award.  Upon leaving school, Kim immediately set about improving the world she lives in by nurturing children whose parents are too busy to take care of them.

Her job is important to her and she wouldn’t miss it for anything. This attitude extends to overcoming hurdles that would intimidate ordinary people. “Sometimes I have a massive weekend,” she says, “and I haven’t slept since like Thursday. Sure, I might be over the blood alcohol limit to drive to work, but you know what? I just put on my runners and walk there.”

Kim dreams of helping the less fortunate all around the world. “I often wonder about the kids of all those people skiing in Whistler or lazing on the beach in Hawaii,” she sighs. “I should go over there and start really making a difference.”

During a recent school night session with some old co-workers, the conversation turned to growing up and childhood pastimes.

Claire: So I named my budgies Popcorn and Peanuts, and when they died, I buried them in my fairy garden.

Me: What the hell is a fairy garden?

Claire: You didn’t have a fairy garden?

Me: No?

Julia: I guess your parents just didn’t love you enough.

Claire: If it makes you feel any better, my parents eventually turned my fairy garden into a Japanese stone garden.

Me: No, that doesn’t make me feel better. I hate all your North Shore problems. I played with empty cardboard boxes and tupperware containers as a child. I didn’t even know what a Barbie was until I started school. I had a sandpit full of dirt and everything I owned was a hand-me-down of some kind from my brother.

Julia: Is that why you dress badly?

Me: Fuck you.

———————————————————————————————————–

Too many of my conversations like this. I still want that fairy garden though.

According to the internet, this is what I missed out on.

Ugh so pretty

Even worse

This is bullshit

Now they are just taking the piss

Ugh. My parents were soooo mean. My mother had me convinced that raw cookie dough tasted like medicine until I was old enough to wonder why she was eating it all herself if it was so gross.

Did you have a fairy garden? Or were your parents bad people too? What is the phone number for DOCS?

Me: I think that guy is checking me out.
Mitch: It’s possible.
Me: Well I still have all my teeth.

Mitch: Don’t turn around. Jennifer Hawkins just walked in.
Elle: Oh my god.
Mitch: She’s so sexy.
Me: She’s not that sexy. Me and Elle are just as sexy as she is.
Mitch: What are you putting on your hand?
Me: It’s hydrocortisone cream. For my eczema.
Elle: Have you tried cracking open Vitamin E caps? That’s what I do when I get that rash on my thighs.

Me: I just saw a black person on your street!
Mitch: I guess we’ll have to move then…

Mitch: Fuck, I could never live in Sydney.

Me: Fuck, I could never live in Newcastle.

—–Original Message—–
From:
Sent: Thursday, 17 March, 2011 8:35 AM
To: Annik Skelton
Subject: Full Moon Fire March 20 + Despacho

Hi all,

I’m back, a little jet lagged, but I wanted to get out a reminder that you are all welcome, once again, to the full moon fire, this month on the 20th March.

Come for the fire about 8pm, we will get going as soon as it is dark enough. We will first sage everyone and then light the fire, there will be no photography this time, everyone will be there to participate fully, and as such we will also have a full despacho ceremony beforehand. This is optional, and if you are unable to make it for the ceremony, you may let me know a prayer to put into a Kintu on your behalf.

I have just come home from the Munay-Ki, and would be delighted to gift anyone with a rite or two if they desire. Please let me know before hand, and we can arrange whether it will be before or after the despacho.

So, the festivities are: March 20th

6:30-7:30pm Despacho & individual cleansing with the folded Despacho
7:30- Break, Sandwiches will be provided, possibly receive a Munay-Ki rite
8:15 or so, light the fire.

I hope to see you all there! Please do invite your friends, and let me know numbers, so I may cater for everyone.

Much Munay

xo

Me: I got an angry message from this girl on Facebook and she was literally too stupid for me to respond to. Are people really that dumb, on average?
Ryan: Well, Two and a Half Men is the most popular sitcom on television.

Me: Is this joke too racist for me to tweet?
Ryan: In no way am I the best person to ever ask that question.

Ryan: Oh you have a Nickelback album in your iTunes. Do you want me to delete it for you?

Ryan: I don’t like it when girls are too tall. If I have to look up to a girl when I’m talking to her, it doesn’t feel right. I know it sounds misogynistic to say this, but I just don’t think I should ever have to look up to a woman.

For more offensive statements, follow Ryan on Twitter.

Every year, my old highschool awards a member of the alumni for being successful or a virgin or whatever. I thought I should nominate myself and some of my highschool friends for the award this year, since nobody else will.

Veronica Gillot

Veronica Gillot graduated law in 2009 with first class honours. Although she had done sporadic volunteer work throughout university, she felt that the best use of her abilities would be in the corporate world.  She now works for a large firm in London, representing international airlines when passengers try and sue because they have been injured or killed on flights. “It’s a tough job, for sure,” she admits. “Bereaved families can put up a hell of a fight in the courtroom, especially if they’ve inherited enough to hire themselves a dynamite lawyer.”

She deserves the Alumni of the Year Award because of her benevolent attitude towards the needs of others. “Oh I can’t wait to earn enough money to give some of it to charity,” she has been heard to say as she rummages through her Chanel bag to find her credit card. Last Christmas, Veronica purchased 2 chickens to send to African families and a new car for herself.

Michelle Baldwin works as a property analyst, valuing retirement villages to allow investors to ascertain how much they should invest in order to recoup the maximum benefit when the retirees die. She has recently ceased dating one of Australia’s top investment bankers and is now seeing a man belonging to the English aristocracy. She’s a strong believer in environmental sustainability and minimises her water usage by showering with her boyfriend’s corgis.

Michelle benefits the world in which she lives by contributing through her work. “Seriously,” she says, “I could retire tomorrow and live comfortably in my boyfriend’s mansion for the rest of my life, but I don’t because I want to contribute, you know?”

When asked how her particular career benefits society, Michelle can provide an extensive list of compelling reasons: “I believe in equality. I think that everyone deserves the opportunity to make money, even large property conglomerates.”

I wish Annik Skelton would write about walking around in her underwear more often.

When is Annik Skelton going to realise that it’s Mike putting silly things in google and making it look like it’s Dave?

I wish Annik Skelton would rim herself.

Annik Skelton is a spunkatron and I’d do her any day of the week – she doesn’t trace IP addresses does she?

I had a sexy dream about Annik Skelton.

Why won’t Annik Skelton love me!?!?!?!?!?!

Annik Skelton sucks donkey dick

Annik Skelton buttplug

Annik Skelton georgie the cat

Why is Annik Skelton such a whore?

Annik Skelton needs to come to Matthew’s 25th.

Can I get Annik Skelton with chips thanks?

Does Annik Skelton use a small hand mirror?

I realised I hadn’t stalked Annik Skelton via google in a long time now. Sorry, Annik. I hope you don’t think I don’t still creepily internet obsess over your site. Because I do. Over your site, that is. Not you. Not that you’re not obsessable, it’s just that I’m happily married.

I sit on chat roulette hoping when I hit next I’ll see Annik Skelton.

I’m now too scared to use chat roulette in case I meet Annik Skelton and she makes fun of my penis on her blog.

Will Annik Skelton save Haiti?

JC: Shit, I’m coming last. This must be what it feels like to be Ryan.
Ryan: Fuck you.

Me: Why do boys get so angry over a game?
Ryan: FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING FAT FUCK.
Me: Who, me?
Ryan: No, the penguin.

Me: I won!
Ryan: Fuck you.

Me: Maybe you’re just not a very good driver.
Ryan: I’m going to ignore that comment, because it came from a woman.

JC: Don’t worry, Ryan. At least you came third the most number of times?
Me: Yeah, out of three people.
Ryan: I’m going to go outside, kill a turtle, remove its shell and beat you both to death with it.