Ryan: I’m so high.
Me: Me too.
Ryan: Want to go to the Voodoo lady’s house?
Me: Dude, I am ripped. I wouldn’t even go to an ATM right now.
Ryan: Good call. Let’s get burritos instead.
Me: When I’m old and I think back on my twenties, all I’m going to remember is being stoned and walking down Riley Street.
Ryan: Naw, come on… I’m sure you’ve been stoned on lots of other streets too.
Ryan: I don’t know why that girl got so mad at me.
Me: Well, according to my therapist–
Ryan: Please don’t even finish that fucking sentence.
Ryan: Want to come over for pasta tonight?
Me: Sure. Will Rosh be there?
Ryan: He has a dinner date. But if this chick is anything like the last one he dated, she’ll probably want to eat twice, so I’m sure they’ll make an appearance.
Olivia belongs to my friend Kristen. Now that she is two and a half years old, I can finally have proper conversations with her. She is kind of like Rain Man and mostly gives one-word answers, but every now and then, she brings out the gold.
Me: So I heard your parents are toilet training you.
Me: That’s pretty cool.
Me: Can you do a poo in the toilet yet, or just wees?
Olivia: Poos and wees.
Me: Do you have a boyfriend?
Me: Is he cute?
Me: What’s his name?
Me: So it’s pretty casual then?
Olivia: I saw bats in the park and they eat Vegemite and pizza.
Me: Bullshit. Bats eat fruit.
Olivia: And pizza.
Me: I live near the Domain. I think I know what I’m talking about.
Me: I’m not even going to argue this with you because you’re being illogical. Wanna go inside and watch Mad Men?
- they drink a lot of juice.
- they get mad when you hook up with their friends.
- they are ordinarily incapable of organising anything more complicated than a home-delivered pizza, but can fashion a fish tank from an abandoned computer monitor they discovered on the street or prepare an impressive variety of liquor-filled frozen Easter eggs in just a few moments.
- if you have a party, they will get completely blind and then pass out in their bedrooms while you are left to make sure nobody steals the TV or starts a fire.
- they can yell awful, psychologically-damaging things at each other, sit in stormy silence for 45 seconds, and then start chatting again normally as if nothing ever happened.
- when you get dumped and wake them up with your crying, they are pretty useless and will generally just pat you on the back and tell you analogies about boats to try and put things in perspective for you. I guess that still helps though.
- they eat a lot of cereal.
Literal Man wasn’t expecting his wife home for another 3 hours, so when Regina walked in and discovered him in bed with his receptionist, everyone was shocked.
After a moment of stunned silence, Regina stormed over to their dresser and picked up her jewellery box. “Fuck off!” she told at the receptionist, who was hastily gathering her clothes. Regina then turned to her husband.
“You bastard,” she spat. “By the time I’m done with you, you’ll have nothing. I’m going to take you to the cleaners!”
“Oh yeah?” Literal Man screamed. “Well I’m going to sue the shit out of you and take a lot of your money!”
He picked a razor from the bedside table and sliced his wrist open for dramatic effect. As he bled out, he wished he had remembered to charge his mobile phone so he could call an ambulance.
This one time, at Hotel CBD, I was drinking gin with some friends when this forty-something guy began lurking near our table. My friend, whose eloquence was matched only by her drunkenness, turned to him and said, “Fuck off, you’re old.”
His jaw dropped a little and he went and sat at the table immediately next to us, looking crestfallen. I was embarrassed, so I went over and apologised on behalf of my friend. He bought me a drink and we started chatting. He told me he was in Sydney on business and didn’t know anyone, but just wanted to chill out and have a drink in town. We talked for a while about travelling, university, and how unnecessarily rude my friend was for assuming he was trying to hit on a bunch of chicks who were clearly young enough to be his children. I mean, come on, he just wanted someone to talk to! He just wanted to hang out! No funny business or anything. And what is wrong with society these days that you can’t just go up to people and say hello without them jumping to conclusions and assuming you’re trying to fuck them? The world has truly gone down the toilet.
After a while, I noticed my friends were getting ready to leave, so I stood up and held out my hand.
Me: Have a good night.
Old man: So, can I have your number?
Old man: I find you very attractive and I’d like to take you out to dinner.
Me: We just had a ten minute conversation about how old you are and how it would be criminal of you to date anyone my age.
Old man: Mmm I know.
Me: If you really want to, you can add me on Facebook.
Old man: What’s that?
He gave me his business card and I kept it for a while, because he looked so much like Drew Carey.
That pretty much sums up my dating history anyway.
Earlier this year I decided to go back to uni to finish my bachelor degree. I’m not sure why. It seemed like a good idea at the time. My first lot of exams was reasonably traumatic. Here is a summary:
Exam #1: Gender, History & Culture
- Wake up late
- Injure eyeball while putting in contact lenses
- Cannot ride bike due to the rain
- Cannot find taxi due to the rain
- Phone a friend and make them drive me
- Accidentally slam my writing hand in the bathroom door
- Arrive 10 minutes after the exam has started with throbbing hand
- Mistake a pair of boobs for a bum and write half an essay on dual gendered identities before realising what was actually in the photo and having to rewrite the whole thing.
Exam score: 83
Overall grade: Credit
Exam #2: Australian Studies: Images of Australia
- Arrive on time to realise exam is open book and I did not bring my books
- Decide to go home and get books, sacrificing valuable writing time
- Run up the hill of death in Ultimo, through the pissing rain, trying to find a cab in morning peak hour
- Am too unfit and have to stop to rest while precious minutes tick away
- Stand in the rain for 10 minutes trying to find a taxi
- Find taxi
- Lose it to some lady in a power suit
- Find taxi
- Drive all the way home, get books, drive back to the exam venue
- Hand over $40 in taxi fares
- Sit exam, which started 20 minutes earlier
- Hate life.
Exam score: 80
Overall grade: Distinction
I ended up withdrawing from the following study period two days after the census date, forfeiting roughly $1,400 in HECS but not really caring.
When my mum gets back from Turkey, she will read this and be disappointed in me.
Old man at bar: I saw you at the races today!
Me: I don’t think so.
Old man: Yes, I did. You were serving chips.
Me: Actually, that’s impossible, because today I was at home playing Goldeneye.
Friend: I can’t tell which one of you is the bigger loser right now.
Friend: Why do they always put the fat girls behind the bar?
Me: I don’t know, but every bartender in here just heard you say that.
Me: Do you guys take EFTPOS?
Me: Do you have an ATM?
Me: What kind of a strip club doesn’t have an ATM?
Bartender: There’s one just outside.
Me: Good. I’ll withdraw giant wads of cash on my way to a strip club with better facilities.
Me: Some guy at Bada Bing called me fat.
Ryan: Think about the start of that sentence. Most girls who start a sentence with, “some guy at Bada Bing” end it with “date raped me” so I’d say you got off lightly.
Me: I got new jeans today. Size six!
Ryan: That’s weird.
Me: I know, usually I’m an eight.
Ryan: Well, I would have said a ten…
Ryan: This girl said that being friends with me is like childbirth. At the time, you’re like, “This is the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced, it’s horrible and I just want it to be over.” But then afterwards, you’re glad you did it.
Me: That’s pretty accurate.
Me: So did you pick up on the Gold Coast?
Ryan: Nah. Chicks up there won’t talk to you if you don’t have any tattoos, or if you’re wearing a shirt with sleeves. And usually I have to get by on my intellect and charm, because I’m not really that good-lookng. I’m sure you have the same problem.
On seeing a bunch of hipsters on Crown Street.
Ryan: What is with the way people dress these days? When did it become cool to go out wearing your mum’s cardigan? It’s like they just go roll around in a Smith Family clothing bin and crawl out wearing whatever sticks to them. They’re like, “I’ve got a dirty nappy on my shoulder, that’s how fucking hip I am. That’s not even fake poo, that’s real poo.” Losers.
The date was going very well. After they left the restaurant, they walked slowly back to her place, hand in hand.
When they got to her front door, she leaned into him and touched his arm.
“Do you want to come upstairs for a coffee?” she asked shyly.
“Oh no thanks,” he replied, “I never sleep properly if I have caffeine after dinner. I’ll just see you later!”
On the way home, he tried to decide what kind of porn he felt like watching.
- tooth brush
- fabric softener
- odour killer