“Third time lucky, then?”
- my mother
“Honestly, nobody even cares anymore.”
- my friend Keira
- supportive boyfriend
UPDATE: Room no longer available (doh!)
This week in Sydney, Maru-evangelist Annik Skelton and edamame critic Hugh Munro went on the hunt for a super cool new flatty. Reports confirm that the room available is a mid-sized south-facing carpeted bedroom with a two-door mirrored built-in wardrobe and a desk/shelf thingy. It currently houses a queen bed, bedside table and coffee table comfortably.
The house is fully-furnished with 1 bathroom, lock-up garage, laundry facilities, 46″ plasma tv, wifi, Nintendo64 (with Mario Kart and Golden Eye), rear courtyard, Juliet balcony and original artwork. The carpet is that lovely colour that a lamb steak goes when you defrost it for slightly too long. The house is professionally cleaned by a local Asian family on a fortnightly basis.
Sources say the house is in a central location, walking distance from CBD, Central Station, Kings Cross, Surry Hills, Little Italy and the Yurong Street Half-way House for Men.
When asked to comment, Skelton described her ideal flatmate as “just a chill bro, really. I don’t give a shit as long as we don’t get a couple, a Scorpio, or anyone who’s a Coopers Red fan.” Munro said they were looking for “anyone who hasn’t auditioned for a reality TV show”. Which could really narrow things down in inner-city Sydney.
People close to Annik and Hugh have even claimed that ex-flatty Julian Cole’s bed is also available at no additional cost. By all reports it is very clean owing to Cole’s lady skills (or lack thereof).
The room will be available from 22nd June (TBC).
Successful applicants will be invited to an interview which will involve testing of your Mario Kart skills.
“We’re really excited about this new phase of the house,” Munro and Skelton added. “We hope we don’t get a shit cunt.”
Mark works in the emergency department of a suburban hospital, where he spends his days removing inanimate objects from the orifices of the public. Mark is well aware of the positive impact his work has on society. “If it wasn’t for me, things would go in and not come out, if you know what I mean…”
When he is not at work, Mark spends his time trying to accumulate muscle mass in order to make himself appear more attractive to those around him. “It benefits society because firstly, people get to look at someone who looks nice, and secondly, the ladies get to touch someone who feels nice.”
Kimberley left school in Grade Ten but that does not stop her from being a strong contender for the Alumni of the Year Award. Upon leaving school, Kim immediately set about improving the world she lives in by nurturing children whose parents are too busy to take care of them.
Her job is important to her and she wouldn’t miss it for anything. This attitude extends to overcoming hurdles that would intimidate ordinary people. “Sometimes I have a massive weekend,” she says, “and I haven’t slept since like Thursday. Sure, I might be over the blood alcohol limit to drive to work, but you know what? I just put on my runners and walk there.”
Kim dreams of helping the less fortunate all around the world. “I often wonder about the kids of all those people skiing in Whistler or lazing on the beach in Hawaii,” she sighs. “I should go over there and start really making a difference.”
During a recent school night session with some old co-workers, the conversation turned to growing up and childhood pastimes.
Claire: So I named my budgies Popcorn and Peanuts, and when they died, I buried them in my fairy garden.
Me: What the hell is a fairy garden?
Claire: You didn’t have a fairy garden?
Julia: I guess your parents just didn’t love you enough.
Claire: If it makes you feel any better, my parents eventually turned my fairy garden into a Japanese stone garden.
Me: No, that doesn’t make me feel better. I hate all your North Shore problems. I played with empty cardboard boxes and tupperware containers as a child. I didn’t even know what a Barbie was until I started school. I had a sandpit full of dirt and everything I owned was a hand-me-down of some kind from my brother.
Julia: Is that why you dress badly?
Me: Fuck you.
Too many of my conversations like this. I still want that fairy garden though.
According to the internet, this is what I missed out on.
Ugh. My parents were soooo mean. My mother had me convinced that raw cookie dough tasted like medicine until I was old enough to wonder why she was eating it all herself if it was so gross.
Did you have a fairy garden? Or were your parents bad people too? What is the phone number for DOCS?
Me: I think that guy is checking me out.
Mitch: It’s possible.
Me: Well I still have all my teeth.
Mitch: Don’t turn around. Jennifer Hawkins just walked in.
Elle: Oh my god.
Mitch: She’s so sexy.
Me: She’s not that sexy. Me and Elle are just as sexy as she is.
Mitch: What are you putting on your hand?
Me: It’s hydrocortisone cream. For my eczema.
Elle: Have you tried cracking open Vitamin E caps? That’s what I do when I get that rash on my thighs.
Me: I just saw a black person on your street!
Mitch: I guess we’ll have to move then…
Mitch: Fuck, I could never live in Sydney.
Me: Fuck, I could never live in Newcastle.
Me: I got an angry message from this girl on Facebook and she was literally too stupid for me to respond to. Are people really that dumb, on average?
Ryan: Well, Two and a Half Men is the most popular sitcom on television.
Me: Is this joke too racist for me to tweet?
Ryan: In no way am I the best person to ever ask that question.
Ryan: Oh you have a Nickelback album in your iTunes. Do you want me to delete it for you?
Ryan: I don’t like it when girls are too tall. If I have to look up to a girl when I’m talking to her, it doesn’t feel right. I know it sounds misogynistic to say this, but I just don’t think I should ever have to look up to a woman.
For more offensive statements, follow Ryan on Twitter.
Every year, my old highschool awards a member of the alumni for being successful or a virgin or whatever. I thought I should nominate myself and some of my highschool friends for the award this year, since nobody else will.
Veronica Gillot graduated law in 2009 with first class honours. Although she had done sporadic volunteer work throughout university, she felt that the best use of her abilities would be in the corporate world. She now works for a large firm in London, representing international airlines when passengers try and sue because they have been injured or killed on flights. “It’s a tough job, for sure,” she admits. “Bereaved families can put up a hell of a fight in the courtroom, especially if they’ve inherited enough to hire themselves a dynamite lawyer.”
She deserves the Alumni of the Year Award because of her benevolent attitude towards the needs of others. “Oh I can’t wait to earn enough money to give some of it to charity,” she has been heard to say as she rummages through her Chanel bag to find her credit card. Last Christmas, Veronica purchased 2 chickens to send to African families and a new car for herself.
Annik Skelton is vaguely known in the advertising world. While she lives comfortably, Annik really does the job for the benefit it has on society. “Without me, people would never be able to figure out what kind of toilet paper or bread to buy,” she says. “I’m really more of a life coach than a copywriter.”
Annik has recently enrolled in a degree, which she plans to finish in 2020. Her return to study is also motivated by bettering the world in which she lives. “There are so many fucking morons out there walking around with degrees. The fact that I don’t have one would really confuse people and the community has a right to know who is legitimately intelligent.”
She also recently convinced her parents to kick their niece out of their home and onto the street, stating, “People deserve to be given an opportunity to make it on their own.” She maintains a successful blog in which she makes fun of her family members and other people (“because it entertains others, and that’s what really matters”.)
Michelle Baldwin works as a property analyst, valuing retirement villages to allow investors to ascertain how much they should invest in order to recoup the maximum benefit when the retirees die. She has recently ceased dating one of Australia’s top investment bankers and is now seeing a man belonging to the English aristocracy. She’s a strong believer in environmental sustainability and minimises her water usage by showering with her boyfriend’s corgis.
Michelle benefits the world in which she lives by contributing through her work. “Seriously,” she says, “I could retire tomorrow and live comfortably in my boyfriend’s mansion for the rest of my life, but I don’t because I want to contribute, you know?”
When asked how her particular career benefits society, Michelle can provide an extensive list of compelling reasons: “I believe in equality. I think that everyone deserves the opportunity to make money, even large property conglomerates.”
JC: Shit, I’m coming last. This must be what it feels like to be Ryan.
Ryan: Fuck you.
Me: Why do boys get so angry over a game?
Ryan: FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING FAT FUCK.
Me: Who, me?
Ryan: No, the penguin.
Me: I won!
Ryan: Fuck you.
Me: Maybe you’re just not a very good driver.
Ryan: I’m going to ignore that comment, because it came from a woman.
JC: Don’t worry, Ryan. At least you came third the most number of times?
Me: Yeah, out of three people.
Ryan: I’m going to go outside, kill a turtle, remove its shell and beat you both to death with it.
Me: You should write me some blog posts about being a lawyer.
Keira: Why? They would all say the exact same thing: ‘So then I reviewed the documents and then I wrote some letters and then I sent the letters, and then I got a response, and reviewed that, and can you believe they deny liability? Ha, so anyway I wrote another letter.’
Ryan: Men just love to break stuff, so we get destructive when we’re drunk.
Me: And that is why women will inherit the earth.
Ryan: If that was actually going to happen, I think you bitches would have done it by now.
Ryan: I don’t understand why religious people are so happy all the time. Although, I guess I’d be pretty stoked if I thought that when I die, I’ll get to live in the clouds with Natalie Portman on a neverending coke binge. Being religious is like lining up for a really awesome rollercoaster. Like, you could be in that line for fucking days, but you don’t really care because you’re so excited and you know it’s going to be amazing.
Ryan: The problem with Bear Grylls is he’s too unrealistic. He’s like, “So if you find yourself parachuting in the Maldives and you’re being attacked by a bird, this is the knot you need to tie in a rope to kill it. And don’t forget to eat its eyeballs after it dies, Pelican cornea is packed full of vomit-inducing protein.” That would never happen. But if he was like, “This is how you change a tire if your car breaks down on the Habour Bridge during peak hour,” that would actually be helpful. People would watch that.
For more offensive statements, you can follow Ryan on Twitter.