Ryan: I’m so high.
Me: Me too.
Ryan: Want to go to the Voodoo lady’s house?
Me: Dude, I am ripped. I wouldn’t even go to an ATM right now.
Ryan: Good call. Let’s get burritos instead.

Me: When I’m old and I think back on my twenties, all I’m going to remember is being stoned and walking down Riley Street.
Ryan: Naw, come on… I’m sure you’ve been stoned on lots of other streets too.

Ryan: I don’t know why that girl got so mad at me.
Me: Well, according to my therapist–
Ryan: Please don’t even finish that fucking sentence.

Ryan: Want to come over for pasta tonight?
Me: Sure. Will Rosh be there?
Ryan: He has a dinner date. But if this chick is anything like the last one he dated, she’ll probably want to eat twice, so I’m sure they’ll make an appearance.

Housies at Halfway Crooks

• they drink a lot of juice.
• they get mad when you hook up with their friends.
• they are ordinarily incapable of organising anything more complicated than a home-delivered pizza, but can fashion a fish tank from an abandoned computer monitor they discovered on the street or prepare an impressive variety of liquor-filled frozen Easter eggs in just a few moments.
• if you have a party, they will get completely blind and then pass out in their bedrooms while you are left to make sure nobody steals the TV or starts a fire.
• they can yell awful, psychologically-damaging things at each other, sit in stormy silence for 45 seconds, and then start chatting again normally as if nothing ever happened.
• when you get dumped and wake them up with your crying, they are pretty useless and will generally just pat you on the back and tell you analogies about boats to try and put things in perspective for you. I guess that still helps though.
• they eat a lot of cereal.

Old man at bar: I saw you at the races today!
Me: I don’t think so.
Old man: Yes, I did. You were serving chips.
Me: Actually, that’s impossible, because today I was at home playing Goldeneye.
Friend: I can’t tell which one of you is the bigger loser right now.

Friend: Why do they always put the fat girls behind the bar?
Me: I don’t know, but every bartender in here just heard you say that.

Me: Do you guys take EFTPOS?
Bartender: No.
Me: Do you have an ATM?
Bartender: No.
Me: What kind of a strip club doesn’t have an ATM?
Bartender: There’s one just outside.
Me: Good. I’ll withdraw giant wads of cash on my way to a strip club with better facilities.

Me: Some guy at Bada Bing called me fat.
Ryan: Think about the start of that sentence. Most girls who start a sentence with, “some guy at Bada Bing” end it with “date raped me” so I’d say you got off lightly.

Me: I got new jeans today. Size six!
Ryan: That’s weird.
Me: I know, usually I’m an eight.
Ryan: Well, I would have said a ten…

Ryan: This girl said that being friends with me is like childbirth. At the time, you’re like, “This is the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced, it’s horrible and I just want it to be over.” But then afterwards, you’re glad you did it.
Me: That’s pretty accurate.

Me: So did you pick up on the Gold Coast?
Ryan: Nah. Chicks up there won’t talk to you if you don’t have any tattoos, or if you’re wearing a shirt with sleeves. And usually I have to get by on my intellect and charm, because I’m not really that good-lookng. I’m sure you have the same problem.

On seeing a bunch of hipsters on Crown Street.
Ryan: What is with the way people dress these days? When did it become cool to go out wearing your mum’s cardigan? It’s like they just go roll around in a Smith Family clothing bin and crawl out wearing whatever sticks to them. They’re like, “I’ve got a dirty nappy on my shoulder, that’s how fucking hip I am. That’s not even fake poo, that’s real poo.” Losers.

• tooth brush
• fabric softener
• odour killer
• condoms

Kristen: I see Foursquare as a game. I like to score points and earn badges and stuff, so I always check in exactly where I am. I like to play fair to win fair.

Me: I like to check in to random private residences and then write creepy tips, like, “Thanks so much for tonight, it was really special…” to freak people out.

Julia: Fuck you guys. Let’s do shots.

Ryan: You’re funny. And not just for a girl, but for a person too.
Me: I am a person.
Ryan: Yeah, with a humour-killing uterus.

Me: Come to yoga with me.
Ryan: Will there be chicks there?
Me: Probably.
Ryan: I can’t sit there grunting and sweating while wearing skin-tight lycra pants in front of a bunch of chicks.
Me: You don’t have to wear lycra.
Ryan: Fuck, Annik, if I’m going to do yoga, I’m going to do it properly.

Ryan: John and I came up with the best pick-up line. You go up to a girl and say, “Hey, do you want my number?” Before she has time to answer, you say, “Of course you do.” Then you hand her your number and say, “Why don’t you give me a call later, when you’re not acting like such a bitch.”

Ryan: We should download a bunch of female stand-up comedy and then turn it into a drinking game. Every time they make a period joke, we chug.

Ryan: Women always cry. It’s the only way they know how to deal with pressure.
Me: That’s not true. I binge drink.
Ryan: That’s bloggable.

Ryan: I really don’t understand why marijuana isn’t legal. Have you ever heard a stoner go, “Man, I’m so baked, let’s go out for a cheeky rape”? Or, “I know, let’s go bash someone to death”? No. They just eat pizza and watch Tim and Eric.

Ryan: Why are you dressed in Matt’s clothes?
Me: Because I wanted to feel closer to him.
Ryan: Are you wearing his retainer?

Me: I find the guy on the drink-driving ad really attractive.
Ryan: Of course you do. That’s your weakness. You accept any flaw in someone if they’re beautiful.
Me: No, I don’t.
Ryan: It’s fine, everybody does it. If Natalie Portman asked me to marry her, and she said, “By the way, I’m a meth addict and I have AIDS, is that cool?” I’d be like, “Totally okay. Let’s do this.”
Me: Really?
Ryan: Of course. If she said, “I also poo out my mouth and I never brush my teeth,” I’d be like, “That’s fine, babe. We’ll work it out.”

Me: I don’t know what to do about this weird chick.
Ryan: Skelty, this is all I’m going to say: once, a guy threw a lemon tree in my bed while I was asleep in it, and I never saw him again. Know what I mean?

Ryan: When I was a kid, I dated the hottest girl in school. It was right before she got anorexia, when a girl reaches her absolute peak of hotness. Like when she’s still eating, but right before she gives up celery.

Me: I saw an infographic on semen today. Did you know there are 20 calories in a load?
Ryan: That would explain why that girl I hooked up with on the weekend was so fat.
Me: And did you know that sperm can live inside a woman for 5 days, or on a toilet seat for 3 hours?
Ryan: What about on a girl’s face?

Matt: My roomie is on her way with a friend.
Ryan: Is her friend hot?
Matt: Kind of.
Ryan: Dude, I can’t talk to a hot girl right now. I’m about to eat pudding.

“Annik, I’m telling you, this is like the Matrix. You’re like Neo, because you’re like the chosen one, but you don’t know it yet. Matt’s Trinity, because he’s a girl. Dan’s like Morpheus because he found you, and I’m like the Oracle because only I know what you really are. Hey, pass the joint.”

“Funny chicks are rare. They’re like an endangered species. In fact, they’re like a new species. You should be in a fucking museum. And I should be famous, because I discovered you. Shit. This is so unfair.”

Ryan: “Hey, Trent, this is my friend Skelty. She’s the funny chick I told you about. Go on Skelty, say something funny!”
Me: “Um.. I’m not really sure… Ahh..”
Trent: *cough*
Ryan: “She’s usually much better than this. I’m sorry. Let’s just leave.”

Me: “I’m going to see Janeane Garofalo tonight.”
Ryan: “Wow. Enjoy two hours of vagina jokes.”