When I was ten years old, my parents made me change schools mid-term. We’d moved a few suburbs away and the 30+ minutes of driving every morning and afternoon was giving mum the shits.

I’ve never been able to make new friends easily, and I was no better at it back then. In fact, the only friend I managed to recruit that year was a girl named Kim, who wore thick glasses and constantly had the faint aroma of shit about her.

“Kim wears nappies,” the other kids gossiped, “cause she poos her pants all the time.”

I didn’t find the smell too bad, so I hung out with Kim and invited her over to my house a few times. She was nice enough and she always gave me half of her roll-up.

When school finished for the year, Kim went away on holiday with her family. She sent me a postcard from Jenolan Caves that read:

Dear Annik,

I miss you. I’m glad you came to our school. Thank you for being my friend and for not making fun of me like the others do.

Love, Kim.

After the summer break, Kim and I were enrolled in different classes because I was smarter than her. In my new class, a group of four girls, who were reasonably pretty, started letting me sit with them at lunch and invited me to the movies and their birthday parties. I never really spoke to Kim again after that.

My friend Mark is one of the most important men in my life. A nurse by trade, he has the privilege of fielding all my medical questions (“Okay, so I was in the men’s room at Q Bar, and stuff was happening, and then I fell…”) A mechanic by hobby, he also has the joy of fixing anything that goes wrong with my car. In return, I introduce him to hot chicks who he might be able to convince to sleep with him.

It wasn’t always smooth sailing though.

My friends and I first met Mark at the beginning of Year 11. He was new that year and his parents had sent him to our conservative Anglican school after he’d been busted with a knife too many times at his old place of learning.
“Hey laydeeez..” he drawled, sidling up to us behind the science block at lunchtime, “Where do you girls go to smoke around here?”
“There’s an abandoned house across the street,” we offered, “And we’re having a party this weekend if you wanna come.”

That Friday night, as we passed a bong around my friend Kim’s backyard, Mark burst through the side gate and waved a bottle of Passion Pop above his head. “LET’S GET WASTED!” he suggested, and spun the bottle on the ground hopefully.

“Ew, slow down,” and we rolled our eyes as Mark went around the yard, sussing us out one by one.

Later we reconvened to share our experiences.

“He said I had an arse from heaven,” Kim laughed.

“He didn’t say anything at all to me, just went in for the kill,” I shuddered.

“He followed me into the cubby house,” my friend Bryony admitted, “And when I offered him a cigarette, he leaned over and whispered, I wanna suck you dry.“

“Good god, that’s fucked up!” we agreed unanimously.

However, it was at that moment, in the early hours of the morning, that we realised none of us had seen Mark for quite some time. We searched the house. We searched the yard. We walked up and down the street, calling his name. We found no trace of him, except his shoes ,which lay on top of the BBQ next to his car keys.

“Shit!” Kim’s mum wasn’t happy, “I’ve lost the new kid. The Christians will kill me!”

We sat up for a while wondering what to do. Then we passed out.

I woke up at sunrise to find myself on the couch on the back deck. As I mentally assessed my hangover, I heard a groan from beneath me. Slowly, Mark crawled out from the small space underneath the couch and turned to look at me.

“Hey, gorgeous!” he said.

I recently dropped a friend home after a night out and followed her inside to pick up some books I’d lent her a few weeks earlier. Entering the house through the garage, we discovered her father slumped on the couch in his dressing gown, cradling an empty wine bottle in his hand and staring mournfully at the wall.

“Jesus,” my friend said, “What the hell happened?”

“It’s Costa,” her dad whispered, blowing his nose.

“Who?”

“The ironing man. He’s dead.”

“Oh my god!” my friend lamented, “What the fuck am I going to wear to work on Monday?”

Earlier this year, a blogger friend asked me to be a bridesmaid in her upcoming wedding. Deciding that this was probably as close as I would ever get to my lifelong dream of being a Flower Girl, as there is not an overly high demand in the current economic climate for twenty-two year old Flower Girls, I accepted.

A frequent visitor of bridal forums, my blogger friend had come to learn many new acronyms. Most of these were fairly self-explanatory (eg MIL = mother-in-law, and so on), but some were already deeply ingrained in my brain as something else entirely.

“You will be fabulous as a BM,” my blogger friend said to me in an email.

And all I could imagine was myself being eaten, and then defecated, by a giant monster.