There are a lot of things in life that I don’t care about. Horoscopes, fashion, hearing about people’s dreams, vegans, etc. But what I really don’t care about, what I could absolutely not give less of a fuck about, is what you and your boyfriend are thinking of having for dinner. Or whether you miss each other. Or the fact that you just wanted to say hello from the office.

It’s as though some couples are so blinded by their love for each other, they have forgotten that there are a hundred ways to communicate with a person other than writing on their Facebook wall.

So here is a handy rundown on alternative methods of contact. If there is someone in your life who has totally forgotten basic fucking communication skills, please feel free to pass this along to them.

Email

Might seem a little daunting at first, but totally easy once you get the hang of it. Just go to www.gmail.com or your preferred email client and sign up. Once your partner has also registered for an email account, you can send each other perfectly private and instantaneous electronic communications. They can even reply to you straight away!

Phone

Don’t waste time pining for the sound of your beloved’s voice during the work day. Just ring them on a phone and you can discuss anything at all to your heart’s content. The great thing about phone calls is that you can speak directly with the person you want to talk to, rather than posting a message on one of their public social media profiles. Amazing!

Text

Don’t be fooled into thinking that phone is just for voice-talk. Now you can take advantage of the wonderful world of Short Message Service (or SMS as I like to call it) by typing a text into your phone, hitting a button, and BOOM – sending it instantly to your BF/GF’s phone. They can read it whenever they want and reply to it whenever they want. And best of all, no one else will have to read the fucking thing.

IM

This is just a fancy word for “instant messaging.” There are so many ways you can do this, and I have found it to be a really effective way of communicating with all kinds of people, including my significant other. My favourite ways to IM include Gchat, MSN messenger, Whatsapp and Viber, but feel free to explore the internet and find one that suits you!

Facebook messaging

Now we know you’re comfortable on Facebook, because you use it as your main medium for 80% of your relationship interactions. So perhaps you’ve already come across the Messaging feature but you just couldn’t get the damn hang of it. Well, never fear because I am here to save the day.

Here’s what you need to do:

1. click on “Messages”
2. then click on “New message”
3. enter your boyfriend’s name where it says “Name”
4. type your message in the box
5. Have I lost you? Don’t forget to hit “Send” when you want to send it!

I personally guarantee that if you use any of the above methods to contact your partner, it will be just as effective as writing on their Facebook wall. In fact, it might even be more effective since you would actually be directing your message to the person who needs to read it, rather than your entire list of mutual Facebook friends who are bored as shit.

But wait, I’m missing the point. Obviously you’re not actually posting on your partner’s Facebook wall because you need to tell them something. It’s because you need to tell everyone else something: that hey, just in case we didn’t notice, you have a BF/GF. Well for the record, most of us don’t give a shit. But if you’re still feeling the need to publicly announce this fact, I have a few more tips for you:

• tattoo your partner’s name onto your forehead
• put out an ad
• head to Speakers’ Corner in the Domain, grab a soap box and start yelling at strangers like the rest of the crazy pricks down there.

Or if you really want to keep it on Facebook, maybe you should just own it. Why not avoid all the subterfuge and just make your status the truth?

If you’re on Facebook, you’ve probably seen some moronic updates floating through your feed lately about people going to various countries for various periods of time even though they’re not. The conversation usually goes something like this…

Idiot: I’m going to Spain for 4 months!
Curious friend: Omg really?
Idiot: Nah it’s for breast cancer lol!
Curious friend: wat.
Idiot: You choose the country that matches your bday month and then your bday date is how long you’re going for and then you change your status
Curious friend: (deletes you from Facebook because you’re a fucking idiot)

This kind of genius has been around for a while now. It usually starts with a message people forward around to their female friends that goes something like this:

Hey ladies! It’s that time of year again when we annoy the shit out of our friends and contribute absolutely nothing towards raising awareness about breast cancer!!!

This is how it works. First, choose the number that matches your IQ:

1 – blue
2 – pink
3 – black
4 – yellow
5 – red

Next, how many people would admit to being your friend?

1 – syphilis
2 – chlamydia
3 – gonorrhea
4 – the clap
5 – herpes

Then update your Facebook status with the colour and STD that match your answers! For example, “Omg my bf’s balls are red, think I have the clap?!!”

Now remember, don’t tell any of the boys what your statuses mean because we need to maximise the awareness!!! Keep them guessing so more people learn about it. Also pass this on to everyone you know so they can raise a awareness too!!!

 

Ugh. Just ugh.

1. Do we really need to be raising awareness about breast cancer?

If you can show me three people over the age of 12 who are not aware of breast cancer, I will start watching Glee, because neither of those things are ever going to fucking happen.

Where are these people? How often is this conversation happening?

Judy: Excuse me sir, but I’m going to need some time off work because… well, I have breast cancer.
Boss: What’s that? Never heard of it. Should we all get tested? I really don’t understand.

We’re all aware. Breast cancer gets more publicity than Kate Middleton holding her hand over her stomach in a few photos like she’s totally pregnant. Why not try and raise awareness about something that people don’t generally know a lot about, like melanoma or how to clear your cache. Or if you still want to keep the focus on breast cancer, why not aim to raise awareness about its symptoms, detection methods, treatment options or other ways to help. Or fuck, why not just really go for it and try to raise something actually useful, LIKE MONEY?

2. How does not mentioning something raise awareness about it?

Here is the other way these status updates are often received…

Moron: I’m a champagne flute so tuck it back.
Innocent friend: What are you talking about?
Moron: I can’t tell you lol.
Innocent friend: Don’t call me anymore.

The dumb bridge club president who comes up with these brainwaves and composed the original message urges people not to disclose the reason behind their mysterious status update. Now I’m no genius, and I only just found out that reindeer are real so who am I to judge, but I do have one question: how are people supposed to know what cause you’re supporting, if you don’t fucking say it?

I really want to know how the conversation went when this was decided.

Shirley: So then we get everyone to update their status to raise lots of awareness….but it’s a secret.
Tonia: Wow, I think it’s a great idea, I mean it’s definitely got legs. But how will people know that the whole concept is about breast cancer if it’s a secret?
Shirley: Because that’s the whole purpose.
Tonia: Yes but shouldn’t we mention the cause or maybe include a link to a site with information on breast cancer, maybe even a site where people could donate money?
Shirley: Nah, nah, nah. Trust me, it’s better this way.

3. Doing lame crap like this gives people a false sense of action

Telling people that they can help raise awareness about breast cancer by posting something inane on Facebook is counter-productive, because some of those people who wanted to help might have ACTUALLY supported the cause through donating things like time/money/ideas/labour/goods/etc. But instead, they will now sit back on the couch and tune in to Oprah, satisfied in the knowledge that they’ve done their bit for breast cancer.

4. It’s really annoying

Stop it. Not only is it annoying, but you might find that it actually achieves the opposite of what you were dumb enough to think you were doing. Most of the time, when people discover that a particular brand is behind an ad or campaign that they find super irritating, they feel less sympathetic towards that brand. I’m not saying I am pro-breast cancer, but I’d probably chuck my dollars into another cancer charity that wasn’t being endlessly touted by a bunch of idiots.

Of course, having said all that, there is a silver lining. If you are keen to cull your Facebook friends, little initiatives like these will help you sort the wheat from the chaff. (Checking which of your friends have liked the Two and a Half Men page is also a good method.)

“People think that online dating is only for losers. Well, we’re going to change all that.”

“So what do you want me to do?”

“Just plait your hair, put an oversized men’s shirt and toast the computer with a glass of red. We’ll photoshop in your imaginary boyfriend’s hand later.”

“Okay!”

I have learnt that there are certain television shows that cause Ryan to scoot forward on the lounge and moan periodically as though in physical pain. These include, but are not limited to: The Circle, The 7pm Project, anything with Charlie Pickering, and Q&A.

Below is a series of excerpts from his commentary on the Gen Y Q&A episode this week.

Me: It’s Josh Thomas!
Ryan: Annik, anyone who claims to have acquired a full blown Irish accent on a two week holiday is not worthy of your respect or your attention.

Ryan: Oh great, Fuzzy is representing Gen Y. A veejay with an IQ of 14.
Me: The caption says she is music journalist.
Ryan: Really? I’d love to see her fucking “journalism” degree.

Ryan: This is pointless, they’re not actually answering anyone’s questions. The chick in the beanie is just bringing everything back to refugees, and Josh Thomas is bringing everything back to being a giant fag.

Ryan: I think there should just be a rule that comedians are never asked to be on Q&A. Especially when they admit on-air that they have only been reading about refugees for one week. The only intelligent person on this entire panel is the fucking Liberal. Oh my god. I’m so angry.

For more burning insights, you can follow Ryan on Twitter.

—–Original Message—–
From:
Sent: Thursday, 17 March, 2011 8:35 AM
To: Annik Skelton
Subject: Full Moon Fire March 20 + Despacho

Hi all,

I’m back, a little jet lagged, but I wanted to get out a reminder that you are all welcome, once again, to the full moon fire, this month on the 20th March.

Come for the fire about 8pm, we will get going as soon as it is dark enough. We will first sage everyone and then light the fire, there will be no photography this time, everyone will be there to participate fully, and as such we will also have a full despacho ceremony beforehand. This is optional, and if you are unable to make it for the ceremony, you may let me know a prayer to put into a Kintu on your behalf.

I have just come home from the Munay-Ki, and would be delighted to gift anyone with a rite or two if they desire. Please let me know before hand, and we can arrange whether it will be before or after the despacho.

So, the festivities are: March 20th

6:30-7:30pm Despacho & individual cleansing with the folded Despacho
7:30- Break, Sandwiches will be provided, possibly receive a Munay-Ki rite
8:15 or so, light the fire.

I hope to see you all there! Please do invite your friends, and let me know numbers, so I may cater for everyone.

Much Munay

xo

Housies at Halfway Crooks

• they drink a lot of juice.
• they get mad when you hook up with their friends.
• they are ordinarily incapable of organising anything more complicated than a home-delivered pizza, but can fashion a fish tank from an abandoned computer monitor they discovered on the street or prepare an impressive variety of liquor-filled frozen Easter eggs in just a few moments.
• if you have a party, they will get completely blind and then pass out in their bedrooms while you are left to make sure nobody steals the TV or starts a fire.
• they can yell awful, psychologically-damaging things at each other, sit in stormy silence for 45 seconds, and then start chatting again normally as if nothing ever happened.
• when you get dumped and wake them up with your crying, they are pretty useless and will generally just pat you on the back and tell you analogies about boats to try and put things in perspective for you. I guess that still helps though.
• they eat a lot of cereal.

The best part of every episode of Gossip Girl is the show’s clever and unexpected use of irony.

For example, after a lifetime of meticulous avoidance of rumoured carcinogens, Serena develops bowel cancer and shits blood which is gross and all her friends pretend they don’t know her.

Richard was a member of a Contiki tour group my friend Keira and I belonged to during July 2007. When we caught a ferry from Athens to Mykonos, Richard bought a T-shirt with a giant penis on it that said “Give us a kiss!” and he waved to children. One night, he got really wasted and sang karaoke, emptying an entire bar of tourists in 4.5 seconds flat.

These are his stories: