Neekersneakers » Mum http://annikskelton.com my neurosis is your entertainment Tue, 24 Jan 2012 02:18:15 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.1.2 Unintentionally politically incorrect conversations with my mother http://annikskelton.com/2011/07/26/unintentionally-politically-incorrect-conversations-with-my-mother/ http://annikskelton.com/2011/07/26/unintentionally-politically-incorrect-conversations-with-my-mother/#comments Tue, 26 Jul 2011 00:46:09 +0000 Annik http://annikskelton.com/?p=4004

At the terracotta warriors exhibition…
Mum: They say that every warrior was crafted to look like an actual living soldier at the time. Each statue is unique.
Me: Really?
Mum: Well, who knows.. They’re Chinese so they all look the same anyway.

After a trip to Guatemala…
Mum: The toilets over there were awful. The only decent one I found was a disabled cubicle at a restaurant. It had better toilet paper.
Me: That’s weird.
Mum: I know, why bother? It’s not like they can feel the difference.

Upon hearing the news that my cousin and her girlfriend were engaged…
Mum: To do what?

]]> http://annikskelton.com/2011/07/26/unintentionally-politically-incorrect-conversations-with-my-mother/feed/ 6 Recent feedback on my face, without makeup http://annikskelton.com/2011/05/13/recent-feedback-on-my-face-without-makeup/ http://annikskelton.com/2011/05/13/recent-feedback-on-my-face-without-makeup/#comments Fri, 13 May 2011 01:35:49 +0000 Annik http://annikskelton.com/?p=3944

“You look like you’re on holidays!”
- my yoga teacher who never wears makeup

“Wowee, we’re looking very…casual.”
- my chiro, I think he might be gay

“You look nice today.”
- my boyfriend, he is obligated to say this even if I have been awake for 2 days drinking

“Are you ill?”
- my mother

]]> http://annikskelton.com/2011/05/13/recent-feedback-on-my-face-without-makeup/feed/ 1 My parents never made me a fairy garden and I hate them http://annikskelton.com/2011/04/05/fairy-garden/ http://annikskelton.com/2011/04/05/fairy-garden/#comments Tue, 05 Apr 2011 00:50:38 +0000 Annik http://annikskelton.com/?p=3477

During a recent school night session with some old co-workers, the conversation turned to growing up and childhood pastimes.

Claire: So I named my budgies Popcorn and Peanuts, and when they died, I buried them in my fairy garden.

Me: What the hell is a fairy garden?

Claire: You didn’t have a fairy garden?

Me: No?

Julia: I guess your parents just didn’t love you enough.

Claire: If it makes you feel any better, my parents eventually turned my fairy garden into a Japanese stone garden.

Me: No, that doesn’t make me feel better. I hate all your North Shore problems. I played with empty cardboard boxes and tupperware containers as a child. I didn’t even know what a Barbie was until I started school. I had a sandpit full of dirt and everything I owned was a hand-me-down of some kind from my brother.

Julia: Is that why you dress badly?

Me: Fuck you.

———————————————————————————————————–

Too many of my conversations like this. I still want that fairy garden though.

According to the internet, this is what I missed out on.

Ugh so pretty

 

Even worse

 

This is bullshit

 

Now they are just taking the piss

Ugh. My parents were soooo mean. My mother had me convinced that raw cookie dough tasted like medicine until I was old enough to wonder why she was eating it all herself if it was so gross.

Did you have a fairy garden? Or were your parents bad people too? What is the phone number for DOCS?

]]> http://annikskelton.com/2011/04/05/fairy-garden/feed/ 13 My mum’s car broke down on Crown Street last night http://annikskelton.com/2011/02/02/my-mums-car-broke-down-on-crown-street-last-night/ http://annikskelton.com/2011/02/02/my-mums-car-broke-down-on-crown-street-last-night/#comments Wed, 02 Feb 2011 03:59:25 +0000 Annik http://annikskelton.com/?p=3749

On Wed, Feb 2, 2011 at 7:58 AM, Lyn Skelton wrote:

Hi darling,

Spent 3 hours last night stranded in the city with a dead battery. I had a wonderful time! Got a fantastic pizza, which I ate on a park bench that just happened to be opposite my car. Sat there in the mild evening warmth, with my crossword puzzle book, whilst waiting for the NRMA. I obviously looked right at home, as this lovely homeless man came along and offered to take me to the Matthew Talbot for a free dinner. When I told him why I was there, he said he’d bring me some rice pudding back. He was very concerned that I’d be stranded for the night and told me where to find him and his mates, if I needed help or accommodation for the night, as he was very concerned about my safety.

He said, “Why pay for rent and electricity? I have good health – I take my medication for my schizophrenia. I have a medicare card, so I can go to any hospital if I need treatment. The government puts money into my account every week and if I need money, I can go to any ATM with my card. I even use it when I’m overseas.”

I was quite disappointed when the NRMA man turned up and got my car started, as I hadn’t had my rice pudding!

Mum
]]> http://annikskelton.com/2011/02/02/my-mums-car-broke-down-on-crown-street-last-night/feed/ 1 Conversations with my mother (illustrated) http://annikskelton.com/2010/06/02/conversations-with-my-mother-illustrated/ http://annikskelton.com/2010/06/02/conversations-with-my-mother-illustrated/#comments Wed, 02 Jun 2010 01:17:24 +0000 Annik http://annikskelton.com/?p=3129

This was illustrated by the talented and sometimes awkward Mitch Hawkins

]]> http://annikskelton.com/2010/06/02/conversations-with-my-mother-illustrated/feed/ 6 Another instance when it’s probably not advisable to use the phrase “So’s your face” http://annikskelton.com/2010/01/14/another-instance-when-its-probably-not-advisable-to-use-the-phrase-sos-your-face/ http://annikskelton.com/2010/01/14/another-instance-when-its-probably-not-advisable-to-use-the-phrase-sos-your-face/#comments Wed, 13 Jan 2010 23:45:13 +0000 Annik http://annikskelton.com/?p=2525

Mum: Will you be home for dinner?

Me: Not if you’re cooking.

Mum: You’re being really obnoxious right now.

Me: So’s your face.

]]> http://annikskelton.com/2010/01/14/another-instance-when-its-probably-not-advisable-to-use-the-phrase-sos-your-face/feed/ 3 How to ruin Christmas part 2: sabotage other people’s dinner table stories http://annikskelton.com/2009/12/30/how-to-ruin-christmas-part-2-sabotage-other-peoples-dinner-table-stories/ http://annikskelton.com/2009/12/30/how-to-ruin-christmas-part-2-sabotage-other-peoples-dinner-table-stories/#comments Wed, 30 Dec 2009 01:21:04 +0000 Annik http://annikskelton.com/?p=2469

Mum: We had this terrible incident at the hospital a few years ago… A woman who worked there part-time was going around stealing all the nurses’ purses and-

Me: Wait, hang on, the nurses’ purses?

Mum: Yeah, so?

Me: NURSES’ PURSES? That’s hilarious! It sounds like a shitty crime novel. Like, Nancy Drew and the Troubling Case of the Missing Nurses’ Purses. Haha!

Mum’s friend: So what happened then?

Me: Oh who cares. Let’s open another bottle of wine!

]]> http://annikskelton.com/2009/12/30/how-to-ruin-christmas-part-2-sabotage-other-peoples-dinner-table-stories/feed/ 3 Conversations with my mother: part ten http://annikskelton.com/2009/12/21/conversations-with-my-mother-part-ten/ http://annikskelton.com/2009/12/21/conversations-with-my-mother-part-ten/#comments Mon, 21 Dec 2009 06:40:14 +0000 Annik http://annikskelton.com/?p=2438

Mum: Come on, get up, get out of the spa. We’re going to pose for a family portrait.

Me: Seriously?

Mum: Yes, your uncle brought his camera and I can’t remember the last time we all had a photo together.

Me: I don’t want to do that.

Mum: Just shut up and get out. It’s Christmas and we’re going to look happy.

Me: But I’ve had, like, eight beers.

Mum: Well at least you’ll be smiling.

]]> http://annikskelton.com/2009/12/21/conversations-with-my-mother-part-ten/feed/ 4 Conversations with my mother: part nine http://annikskelton.com/2009/12/15/conversations-with-my-mother-part-nine/ http://annikskelton.com/2009/12/15/conversations-with-my-mother-part-nine/#comments Tue, 15 Dec 2009 06:27:32 +0000 Annik http://annikskelton.com/?p=2413

Mum: How’s the new job going?

Me: Good.

Mum: Tell me something about it!

Me: Today I wrote a 30-second radio spot.

Mum: Wonderful! Did I ever tell you I used to write for radio?

Me: No.

Mum: I wrote a jingle for Mr Tickety’s Farm Hire. Mr Tickety’s a friend to you… Mr Tickety’s a friend to meeeeee….

Me: Please don’t sing it.

Mum: That was back when I was teaching in Moree.

Me: What station was it? One-oh-four-point-middle-of-fucking-nowhere? Redneck FM?

Dad: Haha!!

Mum: Don’t laugh at her, she’s nasty.

]]> http://annikskelton.com/2009/12/15/conversations-with-my-mother-part-nine/feed/ 4 Conversations with my mother: part eight http://annikskelton.com/2009/11/23/conversations-with-my-mother-part-eight/ http://annikskelton.com/2009/11/23/conversations-with-my-mother-part-eight/#comments Mon, 23 Nov 2009 04:21:29 +0000 Annik http://annikskelton.com/?p=2323

Mum: What are you doing?

Me: It’s hot.

Mum: You can’t just walk around the house in your underwear.

Me: Why not?

Mum: Because my ladies group from church is coming over in half an hour.

Me: They’ll love it.

Mum: No, they will not.

Me: But I’m made in God’s image and shit.

Mum: Either put on some pants or leave.

Me: Fascist.

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