Neekersneakers » Mum http://annikskelton.com my neurosis is your entertainment Mon, 26 Jul 2010 07:35:41 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0 Conversations with my mother (illustrated) http://annikskelton.com/2010/06/02/conversations-with-my-mother-illustrated/ http://annikskelton.com/2010/06/02/conversations-with-my-mother-illustrated/#comments Wed, 02 Jun 2010 01:17:24 +0000 Annik http://annikskelton.com/?p=3129

This was illustrated by the talented and sometimes awkward Mitch Hawkins

]]> http://annikskelton.com/2010/06/02/conversations-with-my-mother-illustrated/feed/ 6 Another instance when it’s probably not advisable to use the phrase “So’s your face” http://annikskelton.com/2010/01/14/another-instance-when-its-probably-not-advisable-to-use-the-phrase-sos-your-face/ http://annikskelton.com/2010/01/14/another-instance-when-its-probably-not-advisable-to-use-the-phrase-sos-your-face/#comments Wed, 13 Jan 2010 23:45:13 +0000 Annik http://annikskelton.com/?p=2525 Mum: Will you be home for dinner?

Me: Not if you’re cooking.

Mum: You’re being really obnoxious right now.

Me: So’s your face.

]]> http://annikskelton.com/2010/01/14/another-instance-when-its-probably-not-advisable-to-use-the-phrase-sos-your-face/feed/ 3 How to ruin Christmas part 2: sabotage other people’s dinner table stories http://annikskelton.com/2009/12/30/how-to-ruin-christmas-part-2-sabotage-other-peoples-dinner-table-stories/ http://annikskelton.com/2009/12/30/how-to-ruin-christmas-part-2-sabotage-other-peoples-dinner-table-stories/#comments Wed, 30 Dec 2009 01:21:04 +0000 Annik http://annikskelton.com/?p=2469 Mum: We had this terrible incident at the hospital a few years ago… A woman who worked there part-time was going around stealing all the nurses’ purses and-

Me: Wait, hang on, the nurses’ purses?

Mum: Yeah, so?

Me: NURSES’ PURSES? That’s hilarious! It sounds like a shitty crime novel. Like, Nancy Drew and the Troubling Case of the Missing Nurses’ Purses. Haha!

Mum’s friend: So what happened then?

Me: Oh who cares. Let’s open another bottle of wine!

]]> http://annikskelton.com/2009/12/30/how-to-ruin-christmas-part-2-sabotage-other-peoples-dinner-table-stories/feed/ 3 Conversations with my mother: part ten http://annikskelton.com/2009/12/21/conversations-with-my-mother-part-ten/ http://annikskelton.com/2009/12/21/conversations-with-my-mother-part-ten/#comments Mon, 21 Dec 2009 06:40:14 +0000 Annik http://annikskelton.com/?p=2438 Mum: Come on, get up, get out of the spa. We’re going to pose for a family portrait.

Me: Seriously?

Mum: Yes, your uncle brought his camera and I can’t remember the last time we all had a photo together.

Me: I don’t want to do that.

Mum: Just shut up and get out. It’s Christmas and we’re going to look happy.

Me: But I’ve had, like, eight beers.

Mum: Well at least you’ll be smiling.

]]> http://annikskelton.com/2009/12/21/conversations-with-my-mother-part-ten/feed/ 4 Conversations with my mother: part nine http://annikskelton.com/2009/12/15/conversations-with-my-mother-part-nine/ http://annikskelton.com/2009/12/15/conversations-with-my-mother-part-nine/#comments Tue, 15 Dec 2009 06:27:32 +0000 Annik http://annikskelton.com/?p=2413 Mum: How’s the new job going?

Me: Good.

Mum: Tell me something about it!

Me: Today I wrote a 30-second radio spot.

Mum: Wonderful! Did I ever tell you I used to write for radio?

Me: No.

Mum: I wrote a jingle for Mr Tickety’s Farm Hire. Mr Tickety’s a friend to you… Mr Tickety’s a friend to meeeeee….

Me: Please don’t sing it.

Mum: That was back when I was teaching in Moree.

Me: What station was it? One-oh-four-point-middle-of-fucking-nowhere? Redneck FM?

Dad: Haha!!

Mum: Don’t laugh at her, she’s nasty.

]]> http://annikskelton.com/2009/12/15/conversations-with-my-mother-part-nine/feed/ 4 Conversations with my mother: part eight http://annikskelton.com/2009/11/23/conversations-with-my-mother-part-eight/ http://annikskelton.com/2009/11/23/conversations-with-my-mother-part-eight/#comments Mon, 23 Nov 2009 04:21:29 +0000 Annik http://annikskelton.com/?p=2323 Mum: What are you doing?

Me: It’s hot.

Mum: You can’t just walk around the house in your underwear.

Me: Why not?

Mum: Because my ladies group from church is coming over in half an hour.

Me: They’ll love it.

Mum: No, they will not.

Me: But I’m made in God’s image and shit.

Mum: Either put on some pants or leave.

Me: Fascist.

]]> http://annikskelton.com/2009/11/23/conversations-with-my-mother-part-eight/feed/ 5 Conversations with my mother: part seven http://annikskelton.com/2009/11/16/conversations-with-my-mother-part-seven/ http://annikskelton.com/2009/11/16/conversations-with-my-mother-part-seven/#comments Mon, 16 Nov 2009 02:38:49 +0000 Annik http://annikskelton.com/?p=2246 Me: Why have there been people standing on our front lawn every morning this week?

Mum: I don’t know. Maybe they’re waiting for somebody to pick them up.

Me: It’s our front lawn, not a goddamn taxi rank.

Mum: Oh Annik, please don’t start ranting.

Me: I want to stand on the porch with a shotgun and tell them what’s what.

Mum: Where on earth are you going to get a shotgun?

Me: I know people who know people.

Mum: Yeah, right.

Me: This is our territory, Mum. We have to defend it.

Mum: Actually I think that part of the land belongs to the council.

Me: So if people started having sex right there on the front lawn, you’d just let them?

Mum: I hardly think that’s an appropriate comparison.

Me: Don’t avoid the question. Stop being such a woman and stand up for your rights.

Mum: Can you go away? I’m busy.

Me: You’re watching NCIS.

Mum: Well it’s important.

Me: I’m going to talk to Dad about this.

]]> http://annikskelton.com/2009/11/16/conversations-with-my-mother-part-seven/feed/ 8 Elevator talk with my mother http://annikskelton.com/2009/10/01/elevator-talk-with-my-mother/ http://annikskelton.com/2009/10/01/elevator-talk-with-my-mother/#comments Thu, 01 Oct 2009 03:26:04 +0000 Annik http://annikskelton.com/?p=1851 Mum: How come there’s no “Level 5″ on that sign? Why does it go straight from “Level 4″ to “Level 6″?

Me: I don’t know.

Mum: Maybe it’s a secret?

Me: Maybe it’s the building manager’s office.

Mum: Maybe it’s like the train to Hogwarts, you know how it leaves from platform eight-and-three-quarters? Or was it nine-and-three-quarters? Do you remember which one it was?

Me: I don’t read shitty books.

Mum: That’s not helpful…

]]> http://annikskelton.com/2009/10/01/elevator-talk-with-my-mother/feed/ 8 Conversations with my mother: part six http://annikskelton.com/2009/09/24/conversations-with-my-mother-part-six/ http://annikskelton.com/2009/09/24/conversations-with-my-mother-part-six/#comments Thu, 24 Sep 2009 02:30:20 +0000 Annik http://annikskelton.com/?p=1790 My brother recently ripped out his shower while he was drunk and as a result, I now have to share my bathroom with him and everyone he has sex with. I complained about this to my mother and she told me that I needed to learn how to share.

Me: Like the Aborigines?

Mum: What?

Me: Collective ownership of property. Plus hardships. Everybody knows that, read a fucking book.

Mum: Why are you even still living here?

]]> http://annikskelton.com/2009/09/24/conversations-with-my-mother-part-six/feed/ 0 Conversations with my mother: part five http://annikskelton.com/2009/09/14/conversations-with-my-mother-part-five/ http://annikskelton.com/2009/09/14/conversations-with-my-mother-part-five/#comments Mon, 14 Sep 2009 03:05:25 +0000 Annik http://annikskelton.com/?p=1748 Mum: You’re going to love Lior’s show. He is an amazing performer.

Me: Shhh I haven’t seen it yet. Don’t tell me what happens!

Mum: It’s a concert, you already know what happens. He plays guitar and sings.

Me: I said, don’t tell me.

Mum: Oh but you should make sure you cheer for the encore. He does something really cool, you’ll never guess what.

Me: He removes all his clothing and fellates himself on stage, then proposes to the sound guy.

Mum: No..

Me: He tells us all to look under our seats, and we each get a midget to take home, then they have fireworks and ice cream.

Mum: No, stop guessing, that was rhetorical. God, you’re so weird sometimes.

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