- Listening to my neighbours rotate a limited playlist at extreme volumes that would normally be appropriate for Mardi Gras comedown parties, 14 year old girls, and the autistic.
- Seeing an aboriginal guy take a shit on Crown Street.
- Being woken up regularly on Tuesday and Wednesday mornings around 4am when the girl next door would bring home whoever fingered her at the pub and then act coy by chatting to them for 45 minutes outside my bedroom window.
- The tranny who used to steal my mail.
- Calling the police every Friday and Saturday night to come and clear away the hipsters drinking goonbags in the gutter.
- The cockroaches.
- The maggots.
- The wasps.
- The time a rat ran up the stairs.
- Finding a homeless person in my garage.
- Having your front door pissed on.
- Listening to idiots setting off their own car alarm (at least once a day.)
UPDATE: Room no longer available (doh!)
This week in Sydney, Maru-evangelist Annik Skelton and edamame critic Hugh Munro went on the hunt for a super cool new flatty. Reports confirm that the room available is a mid-sized south-facing carpeted bedroom with a two-door mirrored built-in wardrobe and a desk/shelf thingy. It currently houses a queen bed, bedside table and coffee table comfortably.
The house is fully-furnished with 1 bathroom, lock-up garage, laundry facilities, 46″ plasma tv, wifi, Nintendo64 (with Mario Kart and Golden Eye), rear courtyard, Juliet balcony and original artwork. The carpet is that lovely colour that a lamb steak goes when you defrost it for slightly too long. The house is professionally cleaned by a local Asian family on a fortnightly basis.
Sources say the house is in a central location, walking distance from CBD, Central Station, Kings Cross, Surry Hills, Little Italy and the Yurong Street Half-way House for Men.
When asked to comment, Skelton described her ideal flatmate as “just a chill bro, really. I don’t give a shit as long as we don’t get a couple, a Scorpio, or anyone who’s a Coopers Red fan.” Munro said they were looking for “anyone who hasn’t auditioned for a reality TV show”. Which could really narrow things down in inner-city Sydney.
People close to Annik and Hugh have even claimed that ex-flatty Julian Cole’s bed is also available at no additional cost. By all reports it is very clean owing to Cole’s lady skills (or lack thereof).
The room will be available from 22nd June (TBC).
Successful applicants will be invited to an interview which will involve testing of your Mario Kart skills.
“We’re really excited about this new phase of the house,” Munro and Skelton added. “We hope we don’t get a shit cunt.”
JC: Shit, I’m coming last. This must be what it feels like to be Ryan.
Ryan: Fuck you.
Me: Why do boys get so angry over a game?
Ryan: FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING FAT FUCK.
Me: Who, me?
Ryan: No, the penguin.
Me: I won!
Ryan: Fuck you.
Me: Maybe you’re just not a very good driver.
Ryan: I’m going to ignore that comment, because it came from a woman.
JC: Don’t worry, Ryan. At least you came third the most number of times?
Me: Yeah, out of three people.
Ryan: I’m going to go outside, kill a turtle, remove its shell and beat you both to death with it.
- they drink a lot of juice.
- they get mad when you hook up with their friends.
- they are ordinarily incapable of organising anything more complicated than a home-delivered pizza, but can fashion a fish tank from an abandoned computer monitor they discovered on the street or prepare an impressive variety of liquor-filled frozen Easter eggs in just a few moments.
- if you have a party, they will get completely blind and then pass out in their bedrooms while you are left to make sure nobody steals the TV or starts a fire.
- they can yell awful, psychologically-damaging things at each other, sit in stormy silence for 45 seconds, and then start chatting again normally as if nothing ever happened.
- when you get dumped and wake them up with your crying, they are pretty useless and will generally just pat you on the back and tell you analogies about boats to try and put things in perspective for you. I guess that still helps though.
- they eat a lot of cereal.
Me: Check out that figure skater!
Him: I could never have sex with her. She’s too graceful. It would be like putting tomato sauce on a really nice steak.
Me: Damnit, my pants shrank.
Him: Are you sure?
Me: Yes, I just got them out of the dryer.
Him: Maybe you’ve put on weight.
Me: I haven’t put on weight. These pants fit perfectly yesterday, now they’re too tight. Clearly, they’ve shrunk.
Him: They look the same to me. That’s all I’m saying.
Him (on the phone): Hey, I’m just at the pub with Annik. Yeah, she’s right next to me. What’s she wearing? Well she’s got what appears to be a curtain wrapped around her waist, tied with a piece of cheap rope; a faded non-descript black singlet; and sunglasses that definitely cost less than $15. In fact, I’m pretty sure she found them on the side of the road.
Him: I literally have nothing to wear. All my clothes are in the wash.
Me: You can borrow one of my shirts, if you want?
Him: It’s okay, all your stuff is too man-ish anyway.
Him: You think I’m some sort of golden goose? That I will just offer you a silver platter of men to bone your way through?
Me: I don’t really think that’s how the story went.
Him: Fuck you.
Him: I just don’t understand why anyone would want you.
Him: Do you want to go to the pub?
Me: It’s Monday.
Him: I know, but I get bored in the mornings. Usually I just masturbate on your bed and then get ready for work.
Him: I think we can all agree that the only real use for the internet is looking at pictures of posh furniture. And porn.
Him: We all have the stupidest jobs. We possess no real valuable skills. If we got stranded on an island, we would just sit on the beach and die.
I live with two boys. They can be quite offensive.
Him: I read your blog post about me.
Me: Did you like it?
Him: Yeah, it was kind of like an unfunny version of ilivewithcrazypeople. Like a poor man’s version of that.
Me: Wait, don’t look at those photos, they’re terrible.
Him: Annik, you don’t have to worry about that kind of stuff with me. I see you looking like shit all the time.
Him: Let’s plug in a red light globe in the lounge room and then our house will look really cool from the street!
Me: No it won’t, it will look like a brothel.
Him: Only if you’re standing at the window.
I live with two boys. They can be quite offensive.
Him: You smell nice.
Him: Yeah… you smell like.. what’s that stuff that you can spray in the toilet after you take a shit?
Me: This is my favourite perfume.
Him: Yeah, like toilet cleaner.
Him: You don’t want there to be any sexual tension amongst housemates. You just don’t want that drama. You should live with people you’re not at all attracted to.
Me: Yeah, totally.
Him: Well that’s the main reason I moved in with you, anyway.
Him: Oh sorry, I should have told you I’d be having friends over.
Me: Why do I need to know that?
Him: Because then you could have put on nicer clothes.