Typical Darlinghurst landscape

• Listening to my neighbours rotate a limited playlist at extreme volumes that would normally be appropriate for Mardi Gras comedown parties, 14 year old girls, and the autistic.
• Seeing an aboriginal guy take a shit on Crown Street.
• Being woken up regularly on Tuesday and Wednesday mornings around 4am when the girl next door would bring home whoever fingered her at the pub and then act coy by chatting to them for 45 minutes outside my bedroom window.
• The tranny who used to steal my mail.
• Calling the police every Friday and Saturday night to come and clear away the hipsters drinking goonbags in the gutter.
• The cockroaches.
• The maggots.
• The wasps.
• The time a rat ran up the stairs.
• Finding a homeless person in my garage.
• Having your front door pissed on.
• Listening to idiots setting off their own car alarm (at least once a day.)

• smells bad
• nothing good to eat
• never much phone reception

UPDATE: Room no longer available (doh!)

This week in Sydney, Maru-evangelist Annik Skelton and edamame critic Hugh Munro went on the hunt for a super cool new flatty. Reports confirm that the room available is a mid-sized south-facing carpeted bedroom with a two-door mirrored built-in wardrobe and a desk/shelf thingy. It currently houses a queen bed, bedside table and coffee table comfortably.

The house is fully-furnished with 1 bathroom, lock-up garage, laundry facilities, 46″ plasma tv, wifi, Nintendo64 (with Mario Kart and Golden Eye), rear courtyard, Juliet balcony and original artwork. The carpet is that lovely colour that a lamb steak goes when you defrost it for slightly too long. The house is professionally cleaned by a local Asian family on a fortnightly basis.

Sources say the house is in a central location, walking distance from CBD, Central Station, Kings Cross, Surry Hills, Little Italy and the Yurong Street Half-way House for Men.

When asked to comment, Skelton described her ideal flatmate as “just a chill bro, really. I don’t give a shit as long as we don’t get a couple, a Scorpio, or anyone who’s a Coopers Red fan.” Munro said they were looking for “anyone who hasn’t auditioned for a reality TV show”. Which could really narrow things down in inner-city Sydney.

People close to Annik and Hugh have even claimed that ex-flatty Julian Cole’s bed is also available at no additional cost. By all reports it is very clean owing to Cole’s lady skills (or lack thereof).

The room will be available from 22nd June (TBC).

Successful applicants will be invited to an interview which will involve testing of your Mario Kart skills.

“We’re really excited about this new phase of the house,” Munro and Skelton added. “We hope we don’t get a shit cunt.”

No alarms

• Either my local church is having AA meetings or they hold a special scumbag service on weekdays.
• During the week, you notice a lot of middle-class junkies around Surry Hills/Darlinghurst. These are the junkies who have graduated to an all-tracksuit wardrobe, but they are not yet living on the street or robbing 7-Eleven’s. They usually go to score with their bf or gf and they’re quite thin and always have a dog.
• There is an entire house full of trannies on the street behind mine.
• My gay next-door neighbour also appears to be unemployed but neither of us is willing to admit it.
• West Wing goes foooorrevvaa.
• Despite having 11 extra hours at my disposal every day, I eat a lot more when I’m not working and I go to the gym less.
• I really like candles and slurpees?
• The scummy workmen around the corner fill our recycling bin with empty chinese food containers every week after garbage night.
• If there’s no real need to shower before 5pm, why press the issue.
• The closest I have come to actual insanity was when my neighbour played this song on repeat for an entire day and a night. I cried and started looking at rental properties online.

SHAMPOO IS BETTER!

Last week, I went for a run. Because I’m fit. As I was jogging through Hyde Park, I noticed a man sprawled on a bench, seemingly unconscious.

“Junkie,” I thought, and continued running. However, as I got closer, I noticed he was reasonably well-dressed and clean-shaven. His head was thrown back and his mouth hung open. Like a corpse. As I jogged past, he did not move at all. When I got to the end of the park, I turned around to look once more. The man still hadn’t moved. I hovered for a few seconds, then a possum ran in front of me and I chased him because I love the possums in Hyde Park. They make me feel like a bush ranger. I ran home, then ate a can of corn and played Diddy Kong Racing. After all,  I am a grown up.

The next day, the man was gone. I wondered whether he’d simply woken up, or been gently pushed into Sydney harbour by the city council. Had I run past a dead body and not noticed/cared? It was entirely possible. I live in Darlinghurst. I pass smacked-out junkies more often than I buy toilet paper. I have frequently seen homeless people brawling, interrupted doorway poops, witnessed various acts of vandalism, and been a spectator to more than a few domestic disputes. On top of this, I get asked for money every time I leave my house. But enough about the Red Cross, because the junkies are pretty annoying too.

Sometimes, I’ll see a couple fighting, and the dude will push or hit his lady around a little. I’ll think, “How could he!” but my default reaction in these situations is to always look the other way. Sure, I’m a post-feminist/alkaline or whatever (I was born under the sign of Taurus), but I’m not prepared to get glassed in the face to save one of my sisters.

Am I a bad person?

Don’t answer that.

I’ve been on the other side of the spectrum too. I was once attacked while waiting for the bus, because I looked at a person. Nobody seemed to mind much. And I once tried to fight someone on York Street, which attracted a few stares, but not so much as a comment from passers-by.

Have we become desensitised? Or are we just tougher?

I don’t know, I’m from the Hills. We used to kill bees when we were bored.